Wish I had have been prepared for these feelings to surface before
8 answers /
Last post: 15/04/2023 at 10:17 pm
Basically, I got pregnant to a man I was casually dating. We both wanted the baby so decided to keep. He has a child with an ex, and I'm finding it a lot more difficult to come to terms with that I initially thought. I know you guys are gonna say 'you should have thought about that' but I really didn't, I'm not looking for sympathy, just whether these feelings are common or not. Now I'm coming to terms with the fact that the baby I'm carrying will share her dad with another family, and I'll share him with another woman. He's only ours until the ex requires him, and he goes running off to help which of course he's going to, that's his child, he's even said himself 'nothing compares to holding your first child for the first time, I can't wait till you get to experience it' and it was clear what he meant, it's a once in a lifetime experience for him and the baby I'm carrying won't feel like that for him. I am drowning in unhappiness and the feeling that for me, this is the most incredible experience in the world, and for him it's just a repeat. I really want to call it off and embark on this alone rather than share it with someone who doesn't share the magic of it with me. I just want to run away with my baby so I don't have to be constantly upset. But I don't know whether it's my hormones that are making this sting a little more than it would if I wasn't so emotional.
Hi Charli,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - maternal mental health board, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Charli,
I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy, fantastic news! I can hear you are feeling overwhelmed with thoughts right now about your partner maybe not feeling as excited as you or being able to share in this magic with you but I'm wondering if you've thought about how he really feels about this baby you have coming? You said you both wanted it and he sounds like a caring man who can't wait for you to join in on this magical parenting journey together.
Perhaps he didn't think about how it may sound when he said ' nothing compares to holding your first child for the first time, I can't wait till you get to experience it.' Many parents comment on how incredible the arrival of their second, third, fourth child etc is as every birth and child is so unique and different and cannot be compared.
Maybe you can look at your situation slightly differently, instead of you are 'sharing him with another woman and family', what if you see he 'chose you and this baby and the life you are creating together.' You and this baby were a conscious choice for him and he sounds excited by it. The fact he takes the time to see his child and look after them only highlights his positive qualities as a person and a Dad.
I can understand this may not be the ideal situation you wanted when you dreamed of having a family but are you happy in your relationship? Do you envision being loving parents to your baby together? If the answer is yes then hopefully you can build the trust in your relationship that you and your baby are just as important to him.
Are you doing things for yourself during this pregnancy to make you feel good and take some much needed 'me time'? Self care is vital during pregnancy, especially with all of the hormones raging around.
Hopefully, some of our other lovely community members will be along shortly to share their own advice too Charli.
Wishing you all the best,
Emma
I've had 5 and every time I've had them feelings exactly the same as any of my others so trust me once this baby comes he will feel the same about this one!! Like what does his ex request of him and how regularly do you spend time with his child too xx
He won’t feel any different with the second as he did the first. If anything, the second is even better cos the fear of the unknown isn’t there and all the joy that comes with having a baby is still exactly the same. My boys Dad cried as much with our second as he did our first. Nothing compares to it whether it’s your first or your tenth! See how things go, it may just be hormones making you feel this way. I would definitely communicate how him running off is making you feel though and I think it’s quite reasonable that this would make you feel insecure.
Hi Charli, congratulations on your pregnancy! I’d personally take these points as huge positives- he’s supportive of his ex/mother of his child even though they aren’t together (which a lot of men are not when realistically they should be) and he is clearly a devoted father- you mentioned how much joy the birth of his first child brought him and he can’t wait for you to experience the same thing. It sounds like he’s happy for you, a loving father and happy that you’re pregnant. I know it can be easy to feel insecure and vulnerable when you’re pregnant- but please instead look at these as qualities of a man who will make a wonderful partner and loving father. I bet that he will be as overjoyed with the birth of your baby as he was with the birth of his firstborn
I think he was trying to explain how great it feels holding a child for the first time to get you excited, not that he won't feel that same love too for your child together.
Talk about these anxieties with him and he should be able to put you at ease.
I got 4 children and honestly you get the first burst of ohmygod it can't get any better than this when you hold your first. Alot of people, myself included, go through the guilt of how could I love them the same as the first, do I have enough love to share between more than one child.
In regards to running to his ex, is it always in reference of his other child or are there issues of her not having boundaries and he goes running for everything?
Are you sure he said "first" child for the first time and not just your child for the first time? He doesn't know yet what its like to experience it for a second time anyway! It will be just as special! I think he is just trying to tell you that it's amazing and wants you to look forward to that moment. It's good that he is a doting Father as you can see that he will be the same with your child. He probably feels a bit of guilt on his other child at the moment and is trying to make sure he gives them lots of love and attention. If you stay together the likelihood is he will spend more time with yours. I'm pregnant with my second and going through all sorts of emotions, feeling guilty that my first will have to share ke but also happy she will have a sibling. And i know holdin the baby will be just as special as holding our first.
As for wanting to run away and do it alone... separate the situation from your relationship, do you want to be with this man?