Loves gone

Hi Sarah,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships board, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Sarah,

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing with us - sending you a gentle hug this evening.

It sounds as if you have been a bit blindsided by what your husband has told you and it has left you feeling that 'I am struggling with how it's got to the point he no in love with me'. I wonder if your husband not wanting anything to change has left you feeling uncertain of where you stand? Perhaps a little bit like he has left you in limbo - would that be fair to say?

Sarah, it's so important that what you want and need isn't lost. Have you been able to chat to any friends or family about what is going on? l wonder if you might find it helpful to chat to someone neutral to help explore what you want for the future? Relate are an organisation that offer counselling to individuals, as well as couples, about relationships. I'll link their website here in case you want to have a look: Individual counselling | Relate

Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but in the meantime, please come back to us if you would like to chat some more.

Take care

Catherine

He is adamant he doesn't think it will come back. One minute he says he wants to try and then it won't work its gone too far. He never realised it was happening but he wants everything to stay the same. How I can pretend that, I do not know. I'm hoping he's just lost his way a little as I know he struggles woth anxiety and things . He doesn't have any real friends apart from this new woman he met chatting on online groups. Now he's chatting near enough 24/7 with her.

It sounds like he's wanting best of both worlds, and I strongly suspect something will be going on with this woman friend, even if it's not happened yet. I don't want to generalise too much but I think men are much less likely to leave a relationship to just be on their own cos they aren't happy. - there is often the meeting of someone to motivate that change, even if it's just feelings, I'm not saying he's having a full blown affair.

But I don't honestly see how he can opt out of the relationship side of things with you/ the love/romantic side but keep everything the same - so hes free to do what he likes but doesn't have to deal with any of the negative fallout that always comes from a break up - practically in terms of him moving out, financial etc etc.

Whether he's having a wobble and will come around, I don't think he'll come to his senses while you're there in the background allowing him to do what he chooses., I'm not saying you should make things difficult for him deliberately to spite him, but if he doesn't love you then you should break up and you should sort out your living arrangements. Only then will you be in a better position to move on, and he will see in the cold light of day what he's losing,.. maybe his feelings don't change, - and hard to see it now while your feeling so rubbish, but you deserve more than this

Absoloutely no. This is the exact definition of keeping your options open. He's asking you to hang around whilst he dips his toe in the water and if he likes it, he will then be the one to decide to break up the family??!! Anyone would be utterly shocked snd blindsided with this request. If the love has definitely gone as he is saying, then HE needs to make alternate living arrangements and go down the right channels. You, although devastated need to give him very clear boundaries here that you won't be treated like a doormat and most certainly don't do second place. Tell him to pack his bags and move into a hotel or somewhere else whilst he gets his head in order or whatever it is he wants to do. His request to be out of the marriage with you in that way is all or nothing. Not half in, living at home, half out. If he had/has a problem in the marriage, the grown up, non hurtful way to deal with this is to be a man and act in the way that aligns with what he's saying end of. Although incredibly painful and as hear broken as you might be, park it and get him out. Then get your glad rags on, get dressed up, act like you don't care about him whatsoever and say to him. If you don't want to be with me, then I don't want to be with you....why would I?He will soon wonder what hit him, and why you look all hammed up ready to go out when he comes over snd font answer his calls all the time. If he is no longer in the relationship then you have no requirement to be either. The thought that you are capable of moving on and CAN live without him, I bet will suddenly snap him back into reality but by no means let him have control over you. He's in or out and that means living the reality of not having you around, not being at his beck and call, not answering your phone all the time and knowing where you are 24/7, he looses that luxury. Instead he will panic, and be wondering where you are and who with, not in la la land eating his stupid cake. I would also go and get some therapy to support you as this is an awful thing yo have to deal with but, he cannot be allowed to mess around with your life like this. Would he accept these conditions...if you brought a boyfriend home...I doubt it xx

He sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I strongly suspect that if he hasn’t already had a relationship with this other woman, it will happen at some point.

so just to clarify, he wants to stay in the marital home, with you living like you always have but no longer together whilst he dates other women?

hold you head up high and tell him to get out of the house. It’s his issue he never got help but he’s playing you for a fool.

Don’t take his crap. Take him to the cleaners. See how popular he is with women then.