Husband and mother in law
4 answers /
Last post: 16/04/2023 at 7:17 pm
I'll try to make this post as short as possible, I knew my mil had issues but now it's affecting me more and my children, my husband thinks I'm ungrateful and I don't like the way he reacts when she does something unreasonable. He's never on our side, he lets her treat our children badly or asking them to literally shut up. I never say that to them and when I told him he barely said anything.
Before we had kids, I had a pretty good salary and I asked him to buy a house to what he said no as he wasn't ready to commit to a house at that time. Fast forward a few years when we had our first child, we bought a house and as I wasn't working full time, we had to borrow some money from my mother in law and because of that everything she does, the way she behaves sometimes, I can't say anything,. I kind of hold that against him as if we had bought a house when I first suggested we wouldn't have to go through this with his mum.
It's been nearly 9 years of constant judging, my husband favours her and his sister and nieces. He is constantly undermining what our children do, they're never good enough in his eyes, I'm never a good enough mum.
We are living abroad at the moment and my mil is visiting us but staying in a hotel so I asked him what days she was coming to see us so I could get some food and organise the house for her and her friend and my husband literally had a go at me, saying that his mum was allowed to come whenever she wanted as it was his mum and she helped us, that I was ungrateful, that I was always giving her a hard time,. What I've realised and it's making me upset is that is not really about her, it's my husband's attitude towards us and her.
I don't know what to do, I don't feel happy ATM but I must say that when I'm on my own with the children I feel really good, they behave well and we have a nice time. When he's around sometimes I'm just waiting to see what he's got to say... sorry for the long vent and I appreciate your support.
Hi Adriana,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Adriana,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for reaching out and sharing with us.
Your relationship with your mother in law doesn't seem like it has been easy at times and you have realised that 'it's affecting me more and my children'. It has led to you reflecting on your relationship with your husband and it sounds like you don't feel happy in how things are at the moment between you. Would that be fair to say, Adriana? You've mentioned 'It's been nearly 9 years of constant judging, my husband favours her and his sister and nieces. He is constantly undermining what our children do, they're never good enough in his eyes, I'm never a good enough mum'. That sounds really tough - sending you a gentle hug this evening.
Adriana, have you always felt this way? You've told us you are living abroad at the moment and I wonder does your husband behave this way when your mother in law isn't there? What is it that you want and need from your relationship?
Relate provide a counselling space around relationships for individuals, as well as couples. Given you're living abroad at the moment, you might not be able to access their counselling services but you might like to have a look at their website and blogs. Here is the link: Get Help | Relate
Hopefully some of our community will be along soon to offer support but in the meantime, please come back to us if you want to chat some more.
Catherine
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You say that when you are on your own with your children you feel really good and the children are happy. That tells me you’re a really good mum.
Your husband and mother sound codependent. At the very least I’d investigate ways out and a return home. Doesn’t mean you have to act on anything but may take you from hopeless to hopeful and your attitude around your husband may naturally become more assertive.
You can confront the situation and state your boundaries. But I would suggest researching narcissism because if you find anything resonates with you and you discover that actually it’s relevant and abusive, the pros on this strongly advise not confronting and just making an escape.
You don’t honour your vows by staying in an abusive marriage (if it is one) but you certainly honour yourself and your children by living a peaceful, happy and stable life.
It may be that a ‘holiday’ is booked to visit home and unbeknownst to husband you don’t plan on getting on the return flight and after researching and finding evidence that abuse is going on, you stay with family and find legal representation and support from agencies like women’s aid and NCDV.
If it’s not abusive but you’re still not feeling emotionally safe or content then merely deciding that the marriage doesn’t work any longer is ok too. You don’t have to put up with this ***** on any level and your children may have things on their minds they don’t feel they can share until circumstances change. They may adore Dad, they may feel unhappy with the way things are as they are now though.
Whatever you want to do, it’s ok ☮️💪