Regret having baby! Will I ever enjoy motherhood

Hi Sarah. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. I can’t pretend to understand, but I was wondering if you’ve spoken to the health visitor or your GP? You said it’s not PND, and your counsellor agrees with you, but perhaps a course of antidepressants might help in the short term maybe? How were you feeling during your pregnancy? Do you have a supportive partner/family/friends?
Babies can be hard work, especially in the early days. Would you be able to return back to work earlier? Not all mums prefer staying at home all day, everyday with their LO’s. Do you get out much, either with the baby or just on your own, maybe catching up with friends?
I loved the baby stage, but had friends who found it monotonous. They much preferred it when their children were toddling, becoming more independent etc. It may well get better for you then. x

Hi Sarah,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

Thank you for posting your feelings so honestly on here and well done for seeking advice and support from other mums.

The first few weeks and months of motherhood can be so difficult to adjust to for some women, especially if it's your first child and you had no idea what to expect. Lots of mums will be able to relate to your post.

It's great that you've already got some counselling in place - did you arrange that yourself Sarah or was it through your HV or GP?

I'm glad you've already received some good advice from Leigh and I agree that it might be a good idea to talk to your GP or HV about how you're feeling so that they can make a proper assessment.

You said: 'I hate every second of being a mother and having a baby'.

and 'but I feel no love'.

PND can affect new mums in all sorts of different ways and some of the feelings you've described do relate to this condition, so it's important that you at least have the conversation with your GP, even if it's just to rule it out.

We have some really good information on our site that you may find interesting to read. You can access the relevant pages at www. netmums.com/support/pnd-signs-and-symptoms and if you scroll down to the bottom, you can read 'how does PND affect how I feel about my baby?

It can't be easy feeling this way every day Sarah, but hopefully, more of our mums who have been in a similar situation, will be along soon to share their experience and advice.

In the meantime, keep chatting here if you find it helpful and we'll try to get you the best information that we can.

Loraine x

Hi Leigh/Lorraine

I have spoke with my HV, she is the one who referred me to counselling.

My counsellor doesn’t believe I need antidepressants but said it’s something I can still look into if I wanted but so far it’s not something I’ve considered doing.

I do have supportive friends and family but they are no where near us, at least an hours drive to the closest family and we are the first of all our friends to have a baby so although they are supportive they don’t understand.

Again my partner is supportive but works a lot so 8-6 Monday-Friday I’m on my own. I get out a bit but he’s so fussy and unsettled when we’re out I don’t do it much because it’s never worth it and I always have a horrible time.

I can’t go back to work earlier as we have no childcare available until I’m due to go back so I’ve still got 3 months to go.

I will look at the website for advice thanks

Hi Sarah,

It's Loraine again.

Thanks for coming back and giving us some more information.

Im glad you're going to have a look through the information on our website, I think you'll be surprised at how many of the symptoms mentioned are similar to those you describe.

I just wanted to drop by this evening and make you aware of a charity called Home-Start.

They provide trained volunteers to visit families with young children at home who may need some additional support, especially if you don't have any family or close friends nearby who can help.

They could just be another adult to talk to or they could accompany you to the park or a playgroup with your baby and just be another pair of hands - is that something you might be interested in?

If there is one in your area, your HV or GP could make a referral on your behalf or you could contact them directly and find out more at www.home-start.org.uk/make-a-referral

Let us know how things are Sarah - we're here to listen and support you in any way we can.

Loraine x

I don’t think the symptoms are the same. Yes some statements sound similar but I don’t feel the way it’s described in that link.

I do not want children. Now I have one. I now have a life that I don’t want and there is no way to change that. I regret having a child, as it was a mistake on my part.

That’s it! Why can’t people understand that women don’t want to be mothers. That people who think they want kids are bad at it or find that actually it’s 100% not for them. Stop branding me as depressed and ‘mentally ill’ because mothers aren’t supposed to feel this way.

Some do! I do! I do not want my child but there’s nothing I can do about it. My partner and both families love him and I can’t put him up for adoption and take him out of everyone’s lives because it’s not just mine that it will effect. I can’t leave, I love my partner and don’t want to leave him but if I did I’d put him in a position where he has to quit his job and move miles away to move in with his mum just to be able to keep his son or go through putting him up for adoption on his own as he can’t work and live in the current place he does and keep the baby. That’s not a position I want to put him in.

My only choice is to leave and live with the guilt or stay and hope that eventually it might get better in the years to come. But I don’t know how long I could keep doing this for if it’s going to take years. And it doesn’t help being branded as mentally ill because people don’t believe you could change your mind or feel this way

Hi Sarah. I honestly don’t think anyone is telling you that you’re mentally ill or depressed. I think what has been suggested, like speaking to your GP, or making contact with Home-Start, is just for you to get some support.
You’re right, not all women want children, and like you, after having a baby, they then realise that it isn’t what they wanted. No one is judging Sarah. We are all made differently.x

Hi Sarah,

It's Loraine again.

I'm sorry you feel like you're being 'branded as mentally ill' - that most definitely was not my intention.

As Leigh said, I just wanted to point you in the direction of information and support that you may or may not decide to pursue.

I really wish you luck with your counselling and hope that you start to find a way through this.

Take Care.

Loraine x

everyone says it will get better and it’s not it just gets harder. He no longer sleeps and is up hourly, I can barely open my eyes but that doesn’t matter, someone still needs to look after him.

I feel like I’ve died and I’m just a shell of a person. A zombie just going through the motions of looking after him.

I’m not myself anymore. I never will be. I don’t feel like me - mentally or physically. I don’t look like me. I don’t get to wear my own clothes, they don’t fit and he’d just spit up on them anyway. I no longer look nice, my hair isn’t washed or even brushed, I look like I’ve got black eyes because of how sleep deprived I am.

My life is no longer mine. I knew about how hard it would be and the sleepless nights etc. But I didn’t know I’d literally have to give up my entire life. I can never have a proper career as my job will have to be close to home and have flexible hours for childcare and school. I can’t do overtime or travel with work anymore because I have to look after him. I can’t go to the gym or go out with friends, I’m exhausted and don’t have the energy. Even if I did, there is no one to look after him apart from my partner who is only home in the evening and I want to be able to go to bed early not go out.

I can’t go on holiday. We booked and paid for a villa for me, my partner and his mum over a year ago, currently she’s there with her friends, we’re at home looking after a baby we don’t want because he’s too fussy to be able to enjoy a holiday. Yet I need the break more than I ever did in my life.

I can’t even sleep. Any little sleep I did have is now gone. I can’t eat a meal in peace, I can’t have a nice relationship. I will never have time alone again.

I can’t move around whenever I want, I have to think about the house and the area and the schools. I can’t ever be on time for an appointment, even important doctors ones. I can’t just nip to the shop, I have to take him and take an hour to get us both ready. I can’t just enjoy a coffee or a good book.

I know it’s selfish but I don’t care. I will never be my first priority again and that kills me.

I’m not a good mother and it’s not making me a better person, it’s making me angry, hateful, resentful and constantly cry.

I don’t know what’s worse, trying to be a good mum but the baby growing up in a home where he’s not loved or wanted. Or leaving and having him grow up without a mum because she abandoned him.

Hi again Sarah. You sound absolutely exhausted, and it’s no wonder you feel the way you do. Loraine mentioned Home-Start. Have you looked into this? If it’s in your area, they are there to support you. Even if it’s just someone to talk too. Would you consider this?
I used to take my son into the bathroom with me, he’d sit in his chair, and I’d chat or sing. That way, you know he’s safe and he can still see you.
Does your partner help out at weekends, night feeds etc?
I would also consider having a chat with your GP/HV. Tell them exactly how you’re feeling Sarah.
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. Having a baby is definitely life changing, and it is hard work, but once a routine is established, it can and does get easier. I know you can’t see that now, but take any help and support that you can. xx

Good morning Sarah,

It's Loraine again.

You sound really low today Sarah and I think you really could do with some support right now - do you think you could contact Home-Start today to find out if there is one in your area? The link again is www.home-start.org.uk/make-a-referral

How about contacting your HV again just to talk through what you have shared here - is that an option?

I'll ask one of our health visitor/parent supporters to drop by and offer you some advice too.

Keep chatting here if you find it helpful to offload - we're here and we're listening.

Loraine x

Hi Sarah. How are you feeling this evening? xx

Hello Sarah

Loraine has asked me to see if I can offer you any more support that may perhaps help how you are feeling. I will do my best.

Motherhood is such a unique thing. It can mean so many different things to different people. For some the transition into parenthood is a dream, for others it can be the complete opposite. Some women become very unwell, to the extreme, but for others their lives suddenly take on a real meaning. Neither one is right nor wrong, however we feel belongs to 'us', but its how we manage it that matters as we all have our lives to lead. I have been a Health Visitor for over 20 years Sarah, and I have seen a lot. I have listened to others who have the same story as you have.

Like Loriane and Leigh have pointed out, you have done well speaking so openly. Your GP knows, as does your HV who rightly referred you for counselling. You have also motivated yourself to attend the sessions which shows you have a drive to take time to pay attention to how you are feeling. I hear that using the words 'mentally ill' has caused you some upset. I wonder can we look at that a different way. Using the term Mentally 'ill', perhaps defines your thoughts as being 'unwell', which they aren't are they, as they are real for you. What we all need is a positive mental health, and what that looks like and how that makes us feel.

Right now how you are feeling is no good for you, and its not good for your little boy either. Do you know if your area has a Perinatal Mental Health Team available for you? They offer support up to 12 month after birth. What i think would be a good idea to explore and work with is attachment and bonding with your baby, which perhaps would allow you to continue to work through your thoughts so you can begin to put them all in place. I'm not saying this is to try and 'fix' you Sarah, and make you love being a Mummy - not at all - but more about allowing you to really think things through.

Attachment and bonding is talked about here too, and offers Parents ways to try to find that connection and emotion that just doesn't come https://www.familylives.org.uk [...] your-baby/

You can also explore more here https://maternalmentalhealthal [...] -families/

Your life is not over Sarah, it just feels overpoweringly so right now. You say so many times in your posts 'I can't', and perhaps those things do feel impossible as its all so new to you. You can change that thought into 'I can if....' but that will come in time if you wish and if you allow. Please take some time to have a look at the links and come back to us, and also explore the Perinatal Health Team in your area. I hear how things are for you, and we will do our best to continue to support you in whatever way that feels for you.

Best wishes

Tracey x

The perinatal team are the ones doing the counselling, they do baby massage sessions with me and other stuff and I just don’t think it’s going anywhere bond wise. It just makes me feel more and more like I shouldn’t be doing this.

I try bonding with him, I feed him and change him, play and read and talk and sing to him, cuddle him, bath him, massage him, take him swimming sometimes but to be honest I hate it all and I just don’t want to do any of it anymore. It’s not fulfilling it’s not rewarding I don’t enjoy it, it just makes me miserable and makes me not want to be around him. I just don’t love him at all.

I don’t like skin to skin contact it just makes me uncomfortable.

It’s been 14 weeks of absolute hell and every day just gets harder instead of easier. I’ve got no hope for the future, The idea of doing school runs or kids clubs or teenage years just makes me feel sick not feel like it will get better. I just want to be as far away from this as possible

Hi Sarah

It sounds like you have good support in place from the Perinatal team. It can take time for things to improve. Are you able to be honest with the team involved how you are feeling?

Do keep talking on here, we are listening,