Husband and depression
3 answers /
Last post: 10/04/2023 at 1:01 pm
Hello.
In need of some advice/ support . It’s a bit of a long one so if you make it to the end then thank you .
I’m a 33 year old mum of 2 DD’s one 12 ( with potential adhd ) the other is 7 . I have been with my husband for 10 years , married for 5 . My husband suffers with severe depression, he is medicated and having therapy . When he is good he’s amazing , really good dad , husband , friend ect but when he has his dark times they are bad and i often get the brunt of it . When he is struggling , he will get angry and irritable , distance himself from all of us , there’s been times when I’ve been scared he will lose control ( one time when driving and he was upset he threatened to drive the car into a wall with us in it ) this was many many years ago but still . He has attempted suicide a few times during our relationship. I’ve been back and forth to the doctors to get him the help he desperately needs and things go ok for a while but then it’s back to that. I’ve been feeling miserable for some time now and finally plucked up the courage to talk to him about it 2 weeks ago in which he told me he will end his life , gave his daughter a cuddle and off he went . He got drunk and was messaging me saying this was it , that he loved me but couldn’t do this anymore ect . I got he kids to my mums then I called the police and reported him as missing , I kept him talking so that the police could track him down and they finally caught up with him and brought him home to which I told them he wasn’t staying her because I was too angry and upset . His mum collected him and took him back to his sisters house ( an ex mental health nurse ) I thought he would be looked after and safe whilst everything calmed down. His sister then kicked him out so he ended up walking 35 miles to get to my brothers house ( they are good friends) where he has stayed since . When his sister kicked him out he had left his phone at her house , he said he got lost ( didn’t know the area ) so that’s why he walked so far but I didn’t know any of this and his family has reported him missing again !! So I spent 9 hours frantically worrying that he had killed himself , mentall preparing myself again to tell my kids that he had died 😭 I was so relieved when I found out he was safe however I am now left reeling , my anxiety is through the roof , I’m physically poorly because of the stress . He has apologised for all of it and promised to get proper help but I fear this is all lip service again as I still don’t think he’s mentally in the right place and I’m on constant egg shells that he’s going to do something . I’m trying so hard to keep it together for my kids , my 12 year old had a huge meltdown and self harmed 😭😭 so we went to the GP about all of it and are getting help .
i just don’t know what to do now ? We have a mortgage ( his name is on it not mine ) and my dad also lives with us . There’s so much going through my mind at the moment 😭😭 I hate depression and I hate what it’s doing to my family . It’s the most heartbreaking situation I’ve ever been in because he’s a good man he’s just struggling however I know me and my kids cannot live like this anymore , I’ve been mum and dad pretty much for a long time now . I’m trying to mange working full time ( I work in an SEN school and love my job ) as well as maintain everyone’s sanity at home and im struggling . I’ve asked for support to help me and my kids but I’ve heard nothing .
Thank you if you got the the end 🖤
Hi Charlotte,
I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. Thank you for sharing with us. You have been through so much in all of this, you absolutely need some more support in place. You did so well in reaching out to your GP, I imagine this was not an easy step to make during this distressing time and I’m sorry to hear you have not heard anything further yet.
GP appointments can feel very brief, I wonder if they explained what would happen next or if any referrals were made for you? Hopefully you will hear more soon, you don’t deserve to feel alone with this.
Whilst you are waiting to hear back, Young Minds have guidance for parents on how to help your child with self-harm that you could have a look through: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/self-harm/#Helpingyourchildwithselfharm
You may not label yourself this way, but as you’re supporting your husband with his mental health you would be considered an informal carer and you are entitled to help. As you know firsthand, supporting someone through mental health difficulties can be emotionally draining and you need help to be able to continue to do this. You can find out more about support services for carers in your area here: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/support-where-you-live/
You sound like a very caring person Charlotte, when you are so focused on supporting your husband and children, I wonder if your needs are coming last at the moment? Please remember that your wellbeing is important too. You mentioned that ‘my anxiety is through the roof , I’m physically poorly because of the stress’ do you think you could benefit from mental health support as well? You may be able to self-refer for talking therapy, you can find out more about this here: https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service/
Please let us know if we can support you further with this
Wishing you all the best,
Kayleigh
Charlotte, I’m so sorry you’re contending with this. I had a poorly Dad, (single man) I had to get him sectioned twice. Sounds like an assessment for capacity is needed and most certainly some attention paid towards his script - might need adjusting.
It sounds like a stint in a psychiatric hospital is necessary. Keyword to use in all exchanges with those you call is ‘safeguarding issue’.
There are so many breaks in communication between agencies and very little joined up thinking so we have to assert and enforce it on them to be heard.
Always keep a log of what happens too.
The police are pants with this, understaffed, uneducated etc but it’s still necessary to make the calls and document ref numbers and what happens.
Better still though, is the Crisis team (even when you think they’ll say it’s not got that far yet just pretend it has and don’t give away anything that’s ‘manageable’ because they’ll assume you’ve got it covered).
Failing that, an Ambulance - they can him to a psych Hopsital.
You can also ask school to write to his GP to highlight the impact on and concern for the kids’ welfare to back you up a bit.
The system is ***** but if you shout loud enough you get their attention and they take responsibility for the poorly patient.
I’d also recommend therapy for yourself. When I was drowning in it all that weekly session made all the difference.
And pray, love. Even without faith it calls out our inner strength when we’re depleted ☮️💪❤️