I need some advice what could I be doing wrong I feel like I’m not doing enough
8 answers /
Last post: 10/04/2023 at 7:16 pm
Hi people I’m hoping someone can share a little advice or at least let me know if I’m doing something wrong
I met my partner 12 years ago we both have children all teens now but under 18 years old ever since I met them iv raised them as my own loved them as my own we did all sorts together from going out to move nights. However there was a bit of bitterness from my OH’s ex and she for some reason never got on with me there was a lot of issues with her trying to turn the children against my OH (his children) and issues with her partner at the time for things that were not for children to be around (domestic abuse) anyway after a few years of this bitterness things seemingly started to change a little which was great for my stepchildren as they were more happy until last year
since lockdown there was still things happening in the mom’s home and obviously things were getting stressful for the children as not being able to be children and do things was upsetting to them I myself had MH issues all my life but was getting as much help as I could at the time and once things we’re getting back to somewhat normal the children were all teens by this time so spending more time in their rooms or out with friends etc which hey that’s what teens do I think when we become parents of teenagers we become obsolete never see them and our homes are used as hotels lol then last year happened
things took a awful turn when the mom had to make sure her partner at the time couldn’t be at her home due to DV and at the time I myself had a run in with my childhood past that wasn’t supposed to happen so I myself had to get the police involved which obviously stirred things up with my mental health again I sort help and still a year later still no further forward to getting it over with due however because this has effected me on a level I did not expect I have been more quiet than usual and kept a lot from the children as they do not need to know what is going on for them to worry.
but now one of the children has left out of the blue I’m being blamed for things that both me and their father know are not true there was no warning or anything just up and left back to a unhealthy environment iv been called all the worst names possible iv been accused of causing a unhealthy environment and being accused of a narcissist the other child has said that therapy doesn’t work and should not make people act the way they do and I need to grow up I was upset when I heard this come from a under 18 years old mouth
I need to know if anyone can advise me I’m at a loss as even though they are teens they are still children and do not need to know all the ins and outs of what I have been through as it’s too graphic, I always thought I was doing the right thing and protecting them but I’m not sure anymore I have tried to explain but they see it as if their mum can get over with what has happened with her then so should I.
I feel so sorry for my OH as he is at a loss of what to do I’m on the verge of just leaving but I have to think about my own child as they have done nothing wrong in all this but on the other hand I can’t watch my OH loose a child both children are not mentally mature enough to understand the situation only what they see and the trouble is they are only seeing it from their point
im in bits at the moment as something I have had no control over invaded my life and has caused a lot of child trauma to come back which in turn has separated my family and I’m being blamed for it
someone please help
thanks ❤️
Hi Lesley,
Gosh, this situation sounds incredibly difficult and stressful for all of you.
I can hear that you are wondering whether you are to blame for your step child leaving your home, but it sounds like a lot has been going on and parenting is the responsibility of all parents involved, not just yourself Lesley.
Where has your step child gone? Back to their biological mums?
Do you feel they are safe there?
Are social care involved and offering your family any support?
Could a local family support organisation be helpful for you at the moment? Services, such as Family Action can be incredibly supportive Family Support Services - Family Action (family-action.org.uk)
I have asked if your post can be moved over to our 'Unhealthy Relationships' board, just so that if you do want to keep chatting with us, we will be able to chat there.
Katie x
Hi Lesley,
Gosh, this situation sounds incredibly difficult and stressful for all of you.
I can hear that you are wondering whether you are to blame for your step child leaving your home, but it sounds like a lot has been going on and parenting is the responsibility of all parents involved, not just yourself Lesley.
Where has your step child gone? Back to their biological mums?
Do you feel they are safe there?
Are social care involved and offering your family any support?
Could a local family support organisation be helpful for you at the moment? Services, such as Family Action can be incredibly supportive Family Support Services - Family Action (family-action.org.uk)
I have asked if your post can be moved over to our 'Unhealthy Relationships' board, just so that if you do want to keep chatting with us, we will be able to chat there.
Katie x
Thank you for your reply
yes the child has gone back to their biological mums but there is worry about the child drinking, smoking etc at the moment there is no support from anyone I’m at a loss as I don’t want to contact anyone without my OHs say so and with there already having a previous CPO in place it’s difficult as I certainly do not want to cause anymore upset. The only advice that was given to my OH was go to SS and court but we are still sat here without seeing anyone as he doesn’t want to cause anymore trouble so where does that leave us ?
I am trying my best to be supportive and be their but what I am finding difficult is I am having questions brought to me from my OH about what I have said and done this makes me feel like I have not been trusted when I have never caused harm, hurt or upset to my OHs children and my OH knows this, even the SS said in the beginning due to the nature of what the children had been exposed to at their mums everyone had to have a safeguarding check myself included and they could not find fault.
I have said to my OH that with me being blamed for things that I know I have not said and he knows I have not said I’m not happy anymore it hurts to be accused of something that can be proven that did not happen and what has shocked me more than anything is my OH asked his eldest child if he should make me leave. I understand that a child’s wishes and feelings are valued but to ask the other child who also has blamed me feels strange as wouldn’t it be the adult that makes the decisions based on evidence and not the child? I don’t know maybe I am wrong on that but I could never imagine asking a child if the person who has been there for them and raised them, loved them like their own if they should leave especially when all this started with lies.
I feel at the moment I’m having to push my own feelings down and not listen as my OH dosnt seem to see how I am also feeling.
I just don’t know what to do for the best I’m in a catch 22 and feel as though if this cannot be resolved then something has to give I have to not be able to speak to my OHs child as they have blocked me since the day they left but I am still being accused of things and I am unsure why
I really don’t know what to do I want all the children to be happy being here but this started due to not being able to have a few friends stay due there being no room and unfortunately it wasn’t myself who had to say know it was my OH and then all out the blue iv had lies told about me some of it was when my OH was at work and I was on my own, I have been told they don’t want to see me as a parent or a person who says no when I am respecting what my OH asks in the authority part they just want me as a friend and someone who lets them do whatever they wish however I have explained or at least tried that I cannot do that we should all be respectful of each other regardless of age and also respectful with the home but if i allow them to do things that they shouldn’t and stop my own child then my own child will question how is it fair.
Hi Lesley,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships board, so you can get the advice and support you need
Thank you for your reply
yes the child has gone back to their biological mums but there is worry about the child drinking, smoking etc at the moment there is no support from anyone I’m at a loss as I don’t want to contact anyone without my OHs say so and with there already having a previous CPO in place it’s difficult as I certainly do not want to cause anymore upset. The only advice that was given to my OH was go to SS and court but we are still sat here without seeing anyone as he doesn’t want to cause anymore trouble so where does that leave us ?
I am trying my best to be supportive and be their but what I am finding difficult is I am having questions brought to me from my OH about what I have said and done this makes me feel like I have not been trusted when I have never caused harm, hurt or upset to my OHs children and my OH knows this, even the SS said in the beginning due to the nature of what the children had been exposed to at their mums everyone had to have a safeguarding check myself included and they could not find fault.
I have said to my OH that with me being blamed for things that I know I have not said and he knows I have not said I’m not happy anymore it hurts to be accused of something that can be proven that did not happen and what has shocked me more than anything is my OH asked his eldest child if he should make me leave. I understand that a child’s wishes and feelings are valued but to ask the other child who also has blamed me feels strange as wouldn’t it be the adult that makes the decisions based on evidence and not the child? I don’t know maybe I am wrong on that but I could never imagine asking a child if the person who has been there for them and raised them, loved them like their own if they should leave especially when all this started with lies.
I feel at the moment I’m having to push my own feelings down and not listen as my OH dosnt seem to see how I am also feeling.
I just don’t know what to do for the best I’m in a catch 22 and feel as though if this cannot be resolved then something has to give I have to not be able to speak to my OHs child as they have blocked me since the day they left but I am still being accused of things and I am unsure why
I really don’t know what to do I want all the children to be happy being here but this started due to not being able to have a few friends stay due there being no room and unfortunately it wasn’t myself who had to say know it was my OH and then all out the blue iv had lies told about me some of it was when my OH was at work and I was on my own, I have been told they don’t want to see me as a parent or a person who says no when I am respecting what my OH asks in the authority part they just want me as a friend and someone who lets them do whatever they wish however I have explained or at least tried that I cannot do that we should all be respectful of each other regardless of age and also respectful with the home but if i allow them to do things that they shouldn’t and stop my own child then my own child will question how is it fair.
Hi Lesley,
I'm Emma, one of Katie's colleagues' here at Netmums. Thank you for getting back to us and shedding a bit more light on your situation. It sounds like you are trying to juggle everything and keep everyone happy but your own needs are being left unattended to here.
Would you consider reaching out to Family Action as Katie mentioned to receive some support for your whole family? You are right to keep your parenting boundaries in place as you said, you are there to keep your children safe and looked after. That can't always mean being the 'friend' they want you to be. We do have a partnership with GoodLaw Solicitors here at Netmums, if you would like to post in the forum there about this they would be able to advise from a legal standpoint your rights and options ahead.
Netmums announces partnership with GoodLaw Solicitors - Netmums
Lesley have you managed to find time to sit down and have a good talk with your partner how you feel unsupported right now? I can hear how hurtful it felt to have him ask his child about what she wants to happen in this situation but you are a team and should be working together to resolve any family issues. You need to feel supported too.
Hopefully some of our other lovely community members will be along to share their own advice and experiences also for you.
Do come back and let us know how you are getting on Lesley,
Take care,
Emma
Hi Lesley,
I'm Emma, one of Katie's colleagues' here at Netmums. Thank you for getting back to us and shedding a bit more light on your situation. It sounds like you are trying to juggle everything and keep everyone happy but your own needs are being left unattended to here.
Would you consider reaching out to Family Action as Katie mentioned to receive some support for your whole family? You are right to keep your parenting boundaries in place as you said, you are there to keep your children safe and looked after. That can't always mean being the 'friend' they want you to be. We do have a partnership with GoodLaw Solicitors here at Netmums, if you would like to post in the forum there about this they would be able to advise from a legal standpoint your rights and options ahead.
Netmums announces partnership with GoodLaw Solicitors - Netmums
Lesley have you managed to find time to sit down and have a good talk with your partner how you feel unsupported right now? I can hear how hurtful it felt to have him ask his child about what she wants to happen in this situation but you are a team and should be working together to resolve any family issues. You need to feel supported too.
Hopefully some of our other lovely community members will be along to share their own advice and experiences also for you.
Do come back and let us know how you are getting on Lesley,
Take care,
Emma
Thank you for your reply
I think the main problem I am having at the moment is not so much the lies about myself or the bitterness that it has come with but there is a child who I see in danger when the child stayed with us while staying at their mums so many nights a week they were attending school getting good grades, polite, respectful, with the added teenager rebellious side now and again but nothing out the ordinary done what I would say every teenager does hang out in their room all day or go out with mates and only speak with one word answers lol but then after going staying at their mums full time a few months ago now their attendance has dropped dramatically, rudeness, then smoking, smoking drugs, drinking alcohol every night with their mother.
I know that it’s not right with CPO in place it states that dad is main caregiver and children spend so many days/nights at mums however i don’t have any authority to go and ask for the order to be looked at again get safeguarding checks in place etc only my OH can do that but was informed from advice given if that happened then it could cause the child to want to permanently stay at their mums.
I want to help so much as these are the children I have raised as my own for so long now I care so much about them I would move heaven and earth just the same as i would with my own biological child but being advised that it could cause more strain and more upset and also getting proof this is going on as years ago when the order was placed the mum worried the children to keep quiet about what was going on with the drinking and drugs and violence in her home with her and her partner at the time otherwise they would be taken away for good (the children did eventually tell me and their dad but refused to tell the SS) so it leaves me wondering how do I prove it how can it be proved.
the mum has subjected the children to so much over the years and we told the SS CAFCASS but they refused to listen and aloud her to have shared overnight/day stays and with what is going on now I personally think legal action needs to be taken.
any free legal advice would be helpful as sitting and talking with the mum and child would be pointless it hasn’t worked before I think something needs to be done before there is more serious risk and god forbid the child ends up in hospital.
the last time the SS were involved they didn’t care that her partner at the time didn’t complete his course on drugs or mental health and aloud him to stay as he has a child with the mum and that child also lives with her permanently but that child is much younger not even in secondary education and things just carried on with drinking,drugs etc.
I just feel frustrated as I know what the right thing is to do but without providing the actual proof or the mum scaring the children into being silent about what is going on what chance does my OH have
thanks for listening x
Thank you for your reply
I think the main problem I am having at the moment is not so much the lies about myself or the bitterness that it has come with but there is a child who I see in danger when the child stayed with us while staying at their mums so many nights a week they were attending school getting good grades, polite, respectful, with the added teenager rebellious side now and again but nothing out the ordinary done what I would say every teenager does hang out in their room all day or go out with mates and only speak with one word answers lol but then after going staying at their mums full time a few months ago now their attendance has dropped dramatically, rudeness, then smoking, smoking drugs, drinking alcohol every night with their mother.
I know that it’s not right with CPO in place it states that dad is main caregiver and children spend so many days/nights at mums however i don’t have any authority to go and ask for the order to be looked at again get safeguarding checks in place etc only my OH can do that but was informed from advice given if that happened then it could cause the child to want to permanently stay at their mums.
I want to help so much as these are the children I have raised as my own for so long now I care so much about them I would move heaven and earth just the same as i would with my own biological child but being advised that it could cause more strain and more upset and also getting proof this is going on as years ago when the order was placed the mum worried the children to keep quiet about what was going on with the drinking and drugs and violence in her home with her and her partner at the time otherwise they would be taken away for good (the children did eventually tell me and their dad but refused to tell the SS) so it leaves me wondering how do I prove it how can it be proved.
the mum has subjected the children to so much over the years and we told the SS CAFCASS but they refused to listen and aloud her to have shared overnight/day stays and with what is going on now I personally think legal action needs to be taken.
any free legal advice would be helpful as sitting and talking with the mum and child would be pointless it hasn’t worked before I think something needs to be done before there is more serious risk and god forbid the child ends up in hospital.
the last time the SS were involved they didn’t care that her partner at the time didn’t complete his course on drugs or mental health and aloud him to stay as he has a child with the mum and that child also lives with her permanently but that child is much younger not even in secondary education and things just carried on with drinking,drugs etc.
I just feel frustrated as I know what the right thing is to do but without providing the actual proof or the mum scaring the children into being silent about what is going on what chance does my OH have
thanks for listening x
Hi again Lesley,
We do have a particular board for support around social services, and sometimes Goodlaw Solicitors are able to offer free legal advice over there, so it may be worth putting any legal questions together and posting over there Social services - Netmums Forum
The Rights of Women helpline can also be really helpful and is free Get advice - Rights of WomenRights of Women
You mentioned that you don't feel you have the authority to raise concerns and that it would be your partner that would need to do this, but anyone can raise concerns around the safety of a child Lesley. If you feel the child isn't safe at her mum's long term, you can also talk to the NSPCC for some expert advice on what you can do. NSPCC | The UK children's charity | NSPCC .
I do understand that you are stuck feeling unsure of what to do for the best, but your gut instinct is so important to listen to and reaching out to the NSPCC will give you a clearer idea around your options and the support available to you.
Katie x
Hi again Lesley,
We do have a particular board for support around social services, and sometimes Goodlaw Solicitors are able to offer free legal advice over there, so it may be worth putting any legal questions together and posting over there Social services - Netmums Forum
The Rights of Women helpline can also be really helpful and is free Get advice - Rights of WomenRights of Women
You mentioned that you don't feel you have the authority to raise concerns and that it would be your partner that would need to do this, but anyone can raise concerns around the safety of a child Lesley. If you feel the child isn't safe at her mum's long term, you can also talk to the NSPCC for some expert advice on what you can do. NSPCC | The UK children's charity | NSPCC .
I do understand that you are stuck feeling unsure of what to do for the best, but your gut instinct is so important to listen to and reaching out to the NSPCC will give you a clearer idea around your options and the support available to you.
Katie x
Thank you for your help
I will definitely give all these a try at the end of the day as long as I know the child is safe that’s all that matters yes it could possibly cause more problems but i could deal with being possibly hated for the rest of life than sit back and wait for something terrible that might happen
i would also like to say that I’m pleased to know that I’m not alone in this and all advice that I have been given so far has been helpful it’s more than we were ever given when all this started years ago.
thanks again for listening I suppose I was judging myself too hard on what is happening but after the help I have received it’s a blessing to know that I still can do something even if it’s just putting the help to my OH
in the meantime I will put a few questions together and see where we stand on the legal side of things
thanks
Lesley x