Abusive ex is on the streets should I help?
5 answers /
Last post: 17/04/2023 at 9:30 am
I have a restraining order on my children’s father, he was abusive and after 18 years I stood up to him and cut contact and moved on. He didn’t take it well and stalked me, harassed me and posted revenge porn online. He served 4 months for breaking a restraining order but after being out for a couple of weeks he broke it again and had to serve another 6.
I live alone with the children, I have no family, I live in an area where I don’t know many people but we like it, and after moving 17 times in as many years due to the ex’s addictions we’ve now had 4 years in this house. However it’s a small town and my drunk drug addict ex cannot survive here because everyone knows everyone. He can’t manipulate his way out of trouble. During the past year my 17yo started to have mental health issues. She would drink, self harm, and try end it. Shes now on antipsychotics which are helping. My 5 yo and 14 yo have both been diagnosed with autism this year too. As you can imagine it’s been full on and recently I had a full mental breakdown. The ex got out of prison early January and broke the restraining order immediately, and my 17 yo has kept in contact with him. However she blocked him 2 weeks ago, this led to him having a freak out cuz he had no way of knowing what I was doing so he started to email me multiple times a day, I ignored unless it was a direct question about a child that he needed to know an answer to. Then he started to ring the house phone. I have to answer during the day incase it’s a medical call, anyway I answered 4 days ago and he begged me to listen saying he was homeless and living under a bridge on a dual carriage way. When I didnt respond he got angry and blamed me saying it was all my fault but it was ok for me as I’m at home comfy and warm with his children while he’s sleeping rough and starving.
I feel like all the hard work I’ve done over the past 18 months is at jeopardy cuz can I really just allow my ex - the father of my kids to sleep under a bridge? My teenage children all have him blocked and have confirmed they don’t want contact. My 5yo is no contact by court order until he contested it but since he got out of jail he hasn’t had the money to reapply, he has had the money to drink and do drugs tho.
I know his end goal is me, and he’s always survived until now but I’ve chose to live in the one place he can’t behave the way he does without him getting consequences. Now he’s calling and saying he loves me, asking me to call the police and get him done so he can go jail and have a roof over his head. I don’t know if that’s considered as helping him. He has no where to go, nothing to his name, and I’m having the guilt trip only he knows how to trigger.
should I change my phone number so he can’t contact me and just let him figure it out. I have 3 more years on my restraining order and he owes drug dealers near me so he shouldnt come to my area but he has no one else now he’s stole and lied to everyone he’s known and now no one has time for him so for some reason I feel like it’s my responsibility
Hi Samantha,
I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Gosh this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation you are in, trying to do right by everybody. I can hear what a caring and kind person you are not wanting your children's Father to be homeless, however at what detriment will this be to you and your children if you help him right now as you mention he has previously been abusive?
Samantha, has your ex reached out to any help services for homeless people? Crisis are a great charity supporting those facing homelessness or currently homeless. Get help: Crisis Skylight centres | Crisis UK
Furthermore, Citizens Advice will be able to provide free guidance and info on his options also, Homelessness - Citizens Advice
As for your own wellbeing Samantha, Womens' Aid are a partnership of ours who offer great free support to people like yourself in these situations if you would like to reach out to them, Home - Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk)
Do come back and chat some more if we can be of any further help.
Take care,
Emma
My advice:
Either change your number, or block him on everything.
If he has breached his restraining order, report that to the police, and explain the circumstances fully.
You owe him nothing. You are not responsible for him.
It is not your fault that he is in this situation.
Whatever you do in this case, he will try to use it to abuse you further, so take the action that helps you remain safe.
The best thing to do is exactly what he's said... Report him, get him done and that's it.
You don't owe him any help, he's treated you really badly and is still continuing to do so by trying to tug on the heart strings for you to help him then when you don't trowing everything you have worked for without him in your face... Yes you are warm and safe in your home that you have worked for, life isn't easy for you as it is with the challenges you have going on with your kids you don't need this.. None of this is your fault he's made bad choices and now is living with the concequences.
Next time he emails asking for help send him this link to shelter
Hi Samantha,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need