I am pregnant and partner is starting career abroad
2 answers /
Last post: 17/04/2023 at 6:22 am
Hello! I need perspective from people who might have been in a similar situation.
I am 5-6 weeks pregnant from my partner who has now had to go back to the US (U.K. visa expired). We used contraception so this should not have happened, but now I want to go ahead with the pregnancy.
We have been dating since November, things are good between us but we don’t know each other much after 5 months. He’s a wonderful man for so many reasons though. We like each other, there’s really good and transparent communication between us and we would be a good team, but we just can’t predict how we last long term yet.
He’s at a critical point in his life (finishing a PhD, early career jobs for him are mostly in the USA), and although he has been incredibly supportive of whatever I do, he would be majorly set back in his career if he moved to the U.K. now to support me. He doesn’t want to let me do this alone and wants to be present for the baby. He wants children, but would prefer to have them when he’s started his career and saved up, and when we’ve had more time to build our relationship. I fully get all of that.
I already have a nice career, work with good enough maternity package, supportive friends and family, some savings, etc. I can do this, but I also feel sad that he would have to sacrifice so much more than I do for this. I worry this might bring long term pain and resentment in what has otherwise been a really nice relationship so far. I might be eligible for an employment based US green card so could potentially move there after maternity leave, but this brings a whole new set of worries around cost of healthcare and education in that country.
I don’t want to base my decision solely on what would be better for others though, right now I really don’t feel like I can go through with abortion. I want this child and I’m worried I would regret terminating, even if I know it wouldn’t be closing a door to future children.
I’m wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation to mine? Am I being unreasonable and irresponsible for wanting the baby despite these circumstances?
One word of warning:
If your child is born in the US, especially to a US citizen, that child becomes a US citizen at birth.
If you then wish to move back to the UK, you will find that the child's father has far more rights than you do, and depending on the father, you may find it incredibly difficult to bring the child back with you.
And if you break up with this man, you may find yourself with no right to remain or work in the US.
Is that something you would want to risk for a man who you have known for such a short time, who you didn't especially want a child with in the first place?