Adult "children" taking liberties

Rather than just removing the key from the key safe you need to sit them down and talk to them like the adults they are and tell them that they are now independent adults and need to act as such. By letting them move in and you doing all the cooking/cleaning/running around for them you allowed them to be the adolescents they were when they were last living at home. You made the mistake of not apportioning a share of the jobs and the bills to them back at the start. I think if you just remove the key from the box you are risking them feeling rejected without knowing that what you need now is privacy, you've done your bit and now you need your home back....then take the key out of the box or change the code.

I think a trip to a café and a quiet word with your son is in order. Not public, not a show down, just a gentle 'we feel unappreciated and we are sad to be left out of your new lives', then move the conversation on. Understated. Then see what happens.

You weren’t invited to their house warming??? Why not? I would flip my lid tbh, how ungrateful. Remove the key, tell them it’s your home not a free hotel for them to come and go as they please, that may make them open their eyes to the fact they’ve behaved like selfish, spoilt children. I’d be raging.

Change the key safe code no way should they be coming in when your asleep!!! I live next door to my mam I have a key I only go in when she's away to water her plants I wouldn't dare go in while she was out without her knowing and I certainly wouldn't go in when they were in bed!!! So change the code and tell them it stops now and tell them how hurt you were that you weren't invited when your the ones who helped them get where they are xx

I second the café suggestion, no point in locking them out without an explanation otherwise you’ll have misunderstandings for years and potentially break the relationship between the two generations.

A nice way to start such a conversation is to ask their permission to be upfront i.e. “can I be straight with you?”

There may be a simple reason they didn’t invite you to the housewarming - maybe it was intended for friends their age and they thought you wouldn’t enjoy it?

Good luck with the conversation 🙂

I think other people's family dynamics are a really difficult thing to comment on. My mum and dad are my best friends, myself and my sister have always been assured that our family home will always be open to us and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I could walk in any time day or night. They would do anything for me and I know I am absolutely unconditionally loved. I have a house of my own and 2 children, we didn't have a house warming but I'm not sure if we'd had one it would have dawned on me to invite my parents or my partners parents to a gathering of our friends. They wouldn't have known many of our adult friends and I would have found it difficult to balance myself between my parents and my friends as, honestly, I would likely have ended up chatting to my mum all night and ignoring everyone else. So...from my perspective...if my mum locked me out of the family home without telling me I'd be absolutely heartbroken. It would, for me, take the floor from underneath me and absolutely destroy my trust as it would go against everything I understand. I think you really need to sit down and discuss this without making any rash decisions. Only you know what your family culture is and whether they are being ignorant, neglectful or whether they've just gotten used to taking you for granted and you also need to be clear about what you would like to change. Good luck x

Yes take the safe key away you really need to stand up to them this will not stop till you say "this is enough now" draw a line from this point onwards for your own sanity each parent wants to help their kids I think you have done this and then more well done for doing so but now it's time to put yourselves 1st it sounds like they have now sorted themselves out so there is no need to allow them to drain your finances and time any more good luck xx

I personally would sit down and let them know how you feel. Sounds like you have a good enough relationship with them enough for it not to get bitter and hopefully they will understand why you are upset.

Hi Hilary

I am not surprised you feel as you do.

I assume that you did not set this key safe up so that they could let themselves into your home as and when they felt like it in order to borrow things. Do they wake you up to ask; or do you wake up to find that something has been removed from your home? Are you coming home to find that something has been taken? Are these things returned to you in the same condition; or do you never see them again?

I would suggest saying to them, "Oh, by the way, there isn't a key in the key safe at the moment" after having removed it and make sure that it is never put back. It is your home and your key - you don't have to keep an existing arrangement if you don't want to. If they say to you "What if we want to borrow something?"; then you could say that you would prefer to be asked first if they can borrow something from you; rather than find out when you wake up or come home that something has been borrowed...

What you did during those 6 years was extremely generous and it is a pity that they don't seem to appreciate it. Not inviting you to a house-warming party was a very unkind thing to do - how did you find out about it?

Best wishes.