My Fiance hates my kids
31 answers /
Last post: 04/04/2023 at 1:16 pm
I've have been with my partner for almost 2 years. We got engaged after 1 year. We have known each other a long time, prior to us both having children but back then we were young and nothing was serious but a couple of years ago we got back in touch and we are here.
We are both 40. I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old. My 12 yesr old has autism and has very little understanding, doesn't speak but he's actually zero trouble at all. My 14 year old is typical 14 yesr old, bit lazy, bit greedy but a lovely kid, no issues, no trouble with him.
My partner has a 15 year old who lives miles away. We have him on school holidays and he's also a good kid.
From the start My partner has been negative towards kids in general, always saying he shouldn't have had his son as he's too selfish himself, how kids are a hassle etc. He said it pains him to have to be with someone who has kids but if he was with someone younger, they always want kids and he definitely don't want to any more.
He has ZERO positive things to say about my kids. I'm getting so down about it now. He's always calling my eldest son a useless c**t. Not to his face but to me. Literally all day long he's complaining about something, the light has been left on, there is an empty box In the cupboard, he's talking too loud. He says they are both disobedient, rude and treat me like s**t. The thing is, I don't run some strict household, everything here is relaxed, it's not regimental and I like it that way.
My youngest son don't know what day it is, of if he's a boy or girl, he spends most of his time watching TV in his room. He can be a little loud, he turns his TV up but he always turns it down as soon as I tell him. if me and my partner are sat jn the living room and my son comes down the stairs, my partner always says something like, what do you want you little s**t. My son thankfully hasn't got a clue what that means but he does pick up on the tone3 of voice and quite often he scurries back upstairs.
I mean this is constant. Yesterday he went on all day about my eldest son, it's like he can't do anything right.
I have asked my partner to stop being so negative and last night I asked him if he will ever say anything positive about my kids and he said no, they are a pair of f**kwits. It's so upsetting, I've cried in bed before without him knowing.
I love my partner but the way he is towards my kids is a serious turn off.
This morning my younger son woke up about 5am and was a bit loud, I did go in and tell him to be quiet. When we got up my son came down the stairs and my partner said in a shouting tone, you have been so loud this morning you horrible little creature. My son thankfully had no idea what that means but he just went back upstairs. I asked him not to speak to him like that. He said that my son had kept him up all night which was a lie, as he didn't wake until 5. My partner said that's still too early. I told him it's really off putting the eay he is about my kids and he said yeah you're right it is off putting.
He was with a girl before me and she had a son and ther were pictures on his fb of him with her son, taking him football, or out walking the dog. He did make a few comments in the beginning that his ex's son also had no discipline and talked to his mum like crap. He was 6. But looking at the pictures, I can't imagine him ever doing anything like that with my kids. I said to him a few weeks ago, maybe during rhe summer we can get a villa and take all 3 kids away (including his son) and he said, no thanks sounds like hell, and if I wa t ri take kids away I could do it on my own.
Should I end this relationship? I feel stupid asking but I got out of a extremely distressing 15 year relationship with my kids dad and I finaly thought I had found a normal person. I reslly don't want to be on my own but I feel I'm a bad parent If I don't. When he's around I feel like I can't do anything fun i
with my kids As he always wants my full attention.
yes you should end this relationship 🙀 how can you let some monster treat your kids this way,you should of kicked him out as soon as he stared picking on your kids,your babies should always come first,get rid of this discusting abusive man,good luck.
He's got to go and the sooner the better... Your kids need a positive role model not an absolute ***** who thinks it's OK to treat them like dirt!
It probably impacts your eldest behaviour having this man around... Would you really want to be around a man who treats your kids this way? How long til he thinks its OK to treat you like that too... (probably once the rings on your finger and there's no way out!)
Run for the hills
I did see red flags in the beginning if I'm honest, Not with my kids at the time but just in general. I think because I was finally free from 15 years of misery I was just so graful someone took an interest in me again.
I think in my post I have kind of sugar coated things really.
He's said stuff like wow you have bred two Ugly effing kids.
I think that's honestly messed up.
His son (15) is pretty useless, when he's with us I'm forever clearing up after him, making him wash and clean his teeth, he sits and cuts up sweet wrappers in tiny bits and leaves them everywhere. He's used a knife to cut the wrappers direct on my worksurfsce and basically wrecked it. None of it was done maliciously, it's just because he doesn't think, but at no point have I ever caused issue, complailained or said anything derogatory about his son and nor would I, even if I thought it.
My partner likes women to look a certain way too, and I've spent a lot of money (circa 25,000) trying to be more what he likes. But I feel like he still kind of points out things that he doesn't quite like, he says it in a way that is not direct, like "I don't like this" but he says it in a way like "I wish your boobs were more like this" or "you still have a little fat around your back, would you get more liposuction"
Honestly writing this is making me cringe, I can't belive I've even allowed any of this to happen to me.
Whilst I'm not well off, I've always been independent financially, I own my own house, I have a well paid job, but I've allowed myself to get into a bit of difficulty taking out loans to try and make this man happy.
Hi lucy,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi lucy,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Thank you
Hey Lucy,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now - well done for posting on here and for reaching out for support.
Lucy, I think you already realise that what you've described here is an extremely abusive and controlling relationship and you and your kids deserve to be treated so much better.
Sometimes when you're in the middle of something, it helps to have your words reflected back at you.
You said:
'He said it pains him to have to be with someone who has kids'
'He's always calling my eldest son a useless c**t'.
'my partner said in a shouting tone, you have been so loud this morning you horrible little creature'.
'My partner likes women to look a certain way too, and I've spent a lot of money (circa 25,000) trying to be more what he likes'.
How do you feel when you read this back Lucy? How would you feel if you're still in this situation in 1 or 2 years time - would that be an acceptable position for you?
Sadly, there is evidence to show that children who are brought up in abusive environments can go on to be detrimentally affected right through to adulthood, so
you're right to be concerned.
Women's Aid are a wonderful charity who support women every day in similar circumstances and they have experts on their Live Chat service who you can speak to in confidence about how things are. They won't force you to do anything, but they will talk you through what options you have so that you can consider what to do next - does that sound like something that might be helpful right now?
You can access the Live Chat service and find out more about what they do at: Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat
We also have a parent supporter here at netmums who works for Women's aid, so I'll ask her to drop by and offer any further advice.
I know this is scary Lucy, but you've taken the first step by writing to us and we'll support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Yes you should end the relationship. I usually say let the man run the house don't let your kids push you around so much so that the sabotage your future husband interests. But in this case, he truly sounds like a grumpy unfair mean-spirited man, and you don't want that abusive probably violent behavior around your vulnerable children. Even if they don't say it they might resent you later and struggle as adults if they were miserable as children. Question: has anyone in your own life seen his behavior, or does he hide it for at home only? Look for the signs of an abuser. Ask anyone you know, even if the truth hurts you, what they think of him. If your kids are truly in danger, don't wait til it's too late and you're in too deep. From what you've described he doesn't sound like a man that should really be around any children or adolescents.
Hi Lucy
I think you know, deep down, that this man is no good for you (or your children) and, quite possibly, no good for anyone...
It is time he was removed from your life and the sooner the better. Some people are very good at identifying those they can dominate and/or manipulate for their own reasons - usually because it makes themselves feel better. I suspect that this man is one of these people - he saw that you were vulnerable and he steamed straight in...
If I have understood you correctly, you have borrowed money in order to have some sort of cosmetic surgery in order to please him? If this is the case, I would urge you never to do anything like this again. No other person is ever worth subjecting yourself to a medical procedure with the attendant risks and the impact on your finances. If you are in a muddle now over money, I would suggest getting some advice as to how to manage that.
I know it does not feel like it right now, but you have a lot going for you. You have your own home over which he has no rights at all. You have a job and your two boys. I would suggest that you do need some time on your own, even though you seem to be afraid of that, in order to reflect on this relationship and your previous one and work out what you want out of life. There should be no room at all in your life for someone like the creature (I won't call him a man, or your partner, because he is not one) you have described here.
Best wishes.
I did see red flags in the beginning if I'm honest, Not with my kids at the time but just in general. I think because I was finally free from 15 years of misery I was just so graful someone took an interest in me again.
I think in my post I have kind of sugar coated things really.
He's said stuff like wow you have bred two Ugly effing kids.
I think that's honestly messed up.
His son (15) is pretty useless, when he's with us I'm forever clearing up after him, making him wash and clean his teeth, he sits and cuts up sweet wrappers in tiny bits and leaves them everywhere. He's used a knife to cut the wrappers direct on my worksurfsce and basically wrecked it. None of it was done maliciously, it's just because he doesn't think, but at no point have I ever caused issue, complailained or said anything derogatory about his son and nor would I, even if I thought it.
My partner likes women to look a certain way too, and I've spent a lot of money (circa 25,000) trying to be more what he likes. But I feel like he still kind of points out things that he doesn't quite like, he says it in a way that is not direct, like "I don't like this" but he says it in a way like "I wish your boobs were more like this" or "you still have a little fat around your back, would you get more liposuction"
Honestly writing this is making me cringe, I can't belive I've even allowed any of this to happen to me.
Whilst I'm not well off, I've always been independent financially, I own my own house, I have a well paid job, but I've allowed myself to get into a bit of difficulty taking out loans to try and make this man happy.
I'm sorry but he seriously needs to go....if your friend come to you and told you this was what her fiancee was saying to her and her kids, one being autistic,what advice would you give? Then take that.
Please do no marry this guy !! What a horrible and and how are you letting him say all this,stuff about your kids to you they do not need this you boy need love and care from a role model that can help him in life. Please get rid it will only get worse.
Hi Lucy,
This made me feel so sad reading this. I’m so sorry that this man has come into your life and treated you and your children this way. It sounds like you already know you need to leave him.
Anyone who makes your children feel unwelcome in their own home needs to go immediately.
You do not need a man and I’m sure you are an amazing mum. I know we all want to feel desired and loved, but by the sounds of it you’re better off without this kind of attention. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. I hope he’s an absolute oil painting to have the cheek to ask you to change your body.
Good luck with everything Lucy. I wish you and your boys all the love and luck in the world. X
I did see red flags in the beginning if I'm honest, Not with my kids at the time but just in general. I think because I was finally free from 15 years of misery I was just so graful someone took an interest in me again.
I think in my post I have kind of sugar coated things really.
He's said stuff like wow you have bred two Ugly effing kids.
I think that's honestly messed up.
His son (15) is pretty useless, when he's with us I'm forever clearing up after him, making him wash and clean his teeth, he sits and cuts up sweet wrappers in tiny bits and leaves them everywhere. He's used a knife to cut the wrappers direct on my worksurfsce and basically wrecked it. None of it was done maliciously, it's just because he doesn't think, but at no point have I ever caused issue, complailained or said anything derogatory about his son and nor would I, even if I thought it.
My partner likes women to look a certain way too, and I've spent a lot of money (circa 25,000) trying to be more what he likes. But I feel like he still kind of points out things that he doesn't quite like, he says it in a way that is not direct, like "I don't like this" but he says it in a way like "I wish your boobs were more like this" or "you still have a little fat around your back, would you get more liposuction"
Honestly writing this is making me cringe, I can't belive I've even allowed any of this to happen to me.
Whilst I'm not well off, I've always been independent financially, I own my own house, I have a well paid job, but I've allowed myself to get into a bit of difficulty taking out loans to try and make this man happy.
You and your kids deserve better.
the fact he thinks he can talk to you or about your kids like that shows lack of respect.
no man would be calling my kids names.
he has no interest in your boys and never will. Probably waiting for them to leave and I’m assuming your younger might need care for longer.
xxx
You should definitely finish this relationship.
From the way you describe his behaviour, his a narcissist. When will he eventually turn this attitude towards you? When you’re married and he thinks you have no where to turn? I’d put a bet on also, when you do eventually talk and tell him it’s over because of his behaviour towards the children, he’s say “I was only joking” or “it was only banter”
He knew what he was getting himself into, his got kids himself and his exs have had kids.
If he was that adamant he didn’t want kids, he would have done something about it in his younger years - ie vasectomy.
If he was that adamant he didn’t want or like kids, he wouldn’t keep dating women with kids.
He doesn’t give a flying watsit about you.
You’re nothing to him. Even in the rare moments you may feel he respects you or is grateful for you, it’s all a lie.
They’re not men, they’re groomers.
No wonder he’s abusing your kids, he’s getting away with abusing you.
Time for your new life to begin. And go no contact. Your kids will hate you and you will lose them if you carry on with this life. Don’t burden them will those ill feelings and don’t waste another day adding to their trauma.
Run away from the big baby.
I’ve been in your shoes, get out!