Newly single and struggling

Hi Kerry,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - maternal mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Kerry,

Welcome to Netmums and well done for reaching out for support.

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

I know that lots of our lovely netmums' community will be able to relate to your post and hopefully some of them will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you.

It's important to remember that most parents struggle at some point in their motherhood journey and it's ok to feel that way. It's equally important though, that when you're feeling as low as you describe here, that you access the services available to you.

It's great that you're in touch with your HV, but you can also talk to your GP about how things are right now.

You said: 'I should also mention I am on antidepressants which I’ve been on for years I’ve tried upping them but that made me dizzy so came back down' - can I ask if you changed the dosage in agreement with your GP Kerry?

Anti depressants work differently for different people and there is no 'one size fits all' and they should be reviewed regularly to make sure they're still working as they should. It's vital that you don't make any adjustments without consulting your GP/mental health team because that could be having an overall effect on your mood - does that make sense?

In terms of getting support with your toddler, do you have any family or friends who could look after him occasionally to give you a break or who coukd visit you at home and maybe suggest different ways to deal with his behaviour?

We have some similar historical threads here on netmums that you may find helpful to reaad through. You can access the relevant pages at:

https://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/being-mum-794/toddlers-1-3-years-59/636596-please-help-toddler-behaviour-problems-really-getting-me-down.html

Another possible source of support is a charity called Home-Start. They provide trained volunteers (who are all parents themselves) to visit families with young children once a week to help practically and emotionally. If there is one in your area, your GP or HV could refer you or you could contact them directly and find out more about what they do at: https://www.home-start.org.uk/make-a-referral

The most important thing to realise Kerry is that you're not alone and you deserve to access the help available.

We're also here to chat to every morning and evening if you find it helpful.

Take Care

Loraine x

Trust time

• I sometimes tell family members that I have an appointment, make it kind of sound medical, so that I can have an hour of childcare. Sometimes I go for a pedicure, sometimes I watch Netflix alone in bed
• My kid who is now older must have been very concerned for my bladder, as sometimes when I needed 2 mins, I would pop to the toilet alone

I was a single mum, no co-parent and no relationship with bio dad. I had no breaks ever. You enjoy your breaks and do not feel guilty. Some of us are better parents when we have breaks and “me time”. There’s no shame in that. Everyone needs time to themselves. You listen to your needs. Sending much love ❤️

Hi, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling but I have to say I admire you for going it alone and being a single mum. I can quite understand how you are feeling as I have so wanted to be able to leave my OH & strike out alone for a good few years, and my boy is nearly 4 now! Unfortunately financial circumstances, a gorgeoushouse & the hellish mortgage rates etc keep us together. I have always dreamt of having weekends to myself & get myself back to 'me' again but, like you, I have always feared missing him so much when he would be staying with his dad (& his dads anger at such petty things) annoying reasons keeping me here but I just wish I had the courage like you. And I worry how I will cope when it is just me & my boy as he does have extreme meltdowns/tantrums.

Please don't let your little ones rantings get to you though, it does wear off & I think my boy is now starting to understand 'feelings'....what I find helps is 'distraction' so I found that if, when he started to have a tantrum about something I would pick up the early signals & take myself to one of his other toys & start playing with it & exclaiming really loudly how brilliant it was & he would kind of stop his crying/ anger sniffing slightly & edge over to me & start playing & then eventually get engrossed & forget why he was upset....or alternatively start reading books aloud - he then wants to read too....trick is try not to get too upset/angry (like his daddy who acts angrily straightaway & exacerbates things straightaway in my case), keep calm, teach him & yourself to 'calm down' & take 'deep breaths' (I also use deep breaths like you're in labour for when he can't get poopy out!!) Just trying to be as positive as possible with him & encouraging, speaking as much toddler speak as you can helps.....I have recently bought a set of feelings books by Trace Moroney also, one of which talks about how its OK to feel angry & I think these are helping too

I can assure you, you are NOT a failure, I applaud you as your thoughts sound exactly like mine only I've never had the courage yet i used to be such a confident, single, independent woman (my boy was a peri-menopausal accident, conceived in only a few weeks of knowing his father, but now a very much loved accident, I hasten to add )

There have been many times when I have got upset with my toddler because of toddler things but the trick is to understand that they really don't understand as their brains aren't fully configured so always make sure to cuddle after time out & speak about feelings emotions & why you/he may have got upset.

I hope this may help you, you really aren't alone,

Sam x