SEN pre extremely aggressive and I’m starting to resent her
6 answers /
Last post: 05/04/2023 at 12:24 pm
I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve, it may be to hear I’m not alone or some advice. My daughter has global developmental delays, so is basically delayed in many areas. She has always been aggressive bitten me, broken things slammed doors. But as she has entered puberty the aggressive behaviour is more intense, she is walking out the house, saying she wants to die for example today grabbed a plastic bag and said she wants to put it over her head. Previously she has said she wants to jump from a window. I’m at my whitts end, I’ve heard this suicidal talk so much at times I don’t even care and even mock her saying well you know what death is,is it burial or cremation your after. As I write this Easter holidays has started I don’t want to spend time with her, I don’t want her sorry cards, I just don’t like her. She is draining and sucking the life out of me and the family. I’ve spent the last 12 years doing everything a mum should. Pre teaching, supporting, mother daughter days trips out, mother daughter hotel stay, crafted and baked together, films, shopping trips, listened to her read, helped with homework, ensured she had play dates and sorted out friendship issues, listened to her and checked in with her constantly, always tell her how proud I am of her I can’t give anymore. And now today as I write this I can’t stand her, it’s like a wall had been put up and I feel like I’m done. She isn’t improving. She has had CAMHS, is supported in school. The irony is I’ve done a young persons mental health course and at times I can put it into practice and other times I’m literally the worse mum on earth!
Hi Samantha,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - child mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Samantha,
I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. Thank you for sharing so honestly with us and well done for reaching out.
You mentioned ‘ at times I can put it into practice and other times I’m literally the worse mum on earth !’ To me Samantha it sounds like you are trying so hard, but you are feeling really drained. The pressure to be a ‘good mum’ can feel so overwhelming, especially when you are feeling like there is nothing left to give. When we are left feeling this way over a prolonged period it can lead to burn out, sometimes this might leave you feeling emotionally numb, detached and exhausted. I wonder if this resonates with you? Action for Children have some more information about burnout and advice on how to cope here
It sounds like it is a challenge to cope with your daughter’s behaviour, particularly when she is being aggressive and expressing suicidal thoughts. I wonder if you have a chance to get a break? Space away to be able to focus on your own needs is essential to help you to recharge. Are there other family members that might be able to help you with this?
You are also entitled to help as a parent of a disabled child, this is a caring role and you do deserve time for yourself as well. You could look into the possibility of respite care for your daughter, or see what other options might be available to you by getting a carers assessment: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/
You mentioned that your daughter has had support from CAMHS, I would encourage you to get back in touch with your GP for a referral back into their services if this has come to an end. The suicidal feelings your daughter is expressing are concerning and you both need some additional support in place. Are school aware of what is happening, or is this something she will usually say at home?
I hope this information is helpful Samantha, please let us know if we can support you further with this
Take care,
Kayleigh
It's so hard having a child with additional needs. My dd has recently been diagnosed with asd and at times I find it hard to deal with. I've got qualifications in a lot of sen and developmental delays and I work full time with children with complex medical needs so see how hard it is for alot of the families.
Have you Spoken to your gp to see if there is any help for you or your daughter? You could contact social care and ask for a care needs assessment and they may be able to provide respite or a carer to come to look after your daughter to give you some time off.
Please reach out to professionals to get the help you need.
I’m so sorry your having a hard time your life sounds like mine I have 4 children 3 with additional needs. My oldest sounds just like yours and has just started puberty. It sounds like her and she has generalised anxiety disorder does she sleep? Sometimes lack of sleep can also affect moods.
Try and take little moments for yourself even if it’s just putting a face mask on sometime so as parents we get burnt out and our body language and response can reinforce their anxieties. I know this because I’ve been the same. I’m using positive reinforcement at the moment have a look into it. It really helps, and we’ve just things like a vision board of her aims this can be hard but it’s helping with my daughter she wouldn’t leave the house is home educated now and worn black baggy clothes hiding from the world. So her vision board was little things like styles of clothes she likes or places she would go. It helps reinforce positive aims. You could ask for a carers assessment for respite. However for me personally I knew this would make it worse especially if restraint is allowed. My life is like walking on eggshells 🤦♀️ But definitely found positive reinforcement helps we have charts up and lots of verbal praise. Some local charities offer counselling my daughter just had 12 weeks of sessions via phone which helped. Definitely look in your area.
No your not the worse mum and all the other mums out there plus me will be saying your not it could be possible you've done to much to try to make her happy and it's clearly not working this is the age they don't tell you about when you set out to have a little baby who's whole world depends on you and is for most of the time ok and I can't blame you for feeling the way you do my kids swing like a pendulum my husband and I would look at each other to see if the other knew what mood they were in that day my personality completely stood its defiance and I would withdraw attention especially if there was no reason to receive their grumpy hormonal attitude where as my husband tried to soft soap them and only successfully got a result once they worked out mummy dear wasn't in the mood to put up with them that day do not beat yourself up for feeling the way you do its hard its trying and they can drain the life out of you to the point you need to step back and recharge xx
