I’m absolutely losing my mind. It’s coming up to almost 14 years. 18 months we separated and once I rebuilt myself I was the happiest in myself I’d ever been. My ex came back about six months ago. At this point I’d sold the family home, brought my own and was thriving. No one wanted me to get back with him and I lost some friends and family along the way. It started off good and I remember saying it was the best decision I made. It’s just so so bad at the moment yet I just can’t seem to claw my way out of it again. To put into context some of the things I’m dealing with. The other day he called me fat (I’m a size 10) He told me I think I’m better than everyone else and it was beneath me to reply to my children’s voice note (I was at a conference and listened to it and only 3 mins had passed). I was going to reply as soon as the next event had finished. He has gone for my throat and been in my face over 4 times now in the last few months, each time it’s escalating He picked up a wooden stool and held it to my face and I thought he was going to either throw it at me or out the window (he was completely sober at this point and it was because I’d put a picture on Facebook of my new hair) He mocks me, says I want attention, calls me a *****/***** He said I’m lazy in the bedroom Last week he was so cruel with his words, and the stool incident, and I ended up hitting myself in the head and clawing my face. I was covered in bruises. I couldn’t hit him, as much as I wanted to, so I hit myself because I have so much anger and hurt and I can’t cope. He's living with me and knowing how cruel he was after our last split, just makes me feel it’s easier to just stay and hope he will get better. Can people like this ever change? I find myself trying to find my voice and instil respect by standing up for myself, but it just backfires and he says I think I’m better than him and everyone. I feel like he projects on me how he feels about himself. I just don’t know what to do. I have a full time job and he has to do the school run two mornings when I have to commute to the office. Im absolutely petrified if I upset him and say I want out that he’ll stop helping, just because it would mean I’d lose my job. Which he is incredibly jealous about. Im so worried he will try and get me back and control my life when it comes to the children and if I ended it. Is there any where I could go to get some help to put boundaries in place when it comes to the children if I was to leave?

Chance 999

13 answers /

Last post: 13/04/2023 at 4:22 pm

Katie X(2)

27/03/2023 at 12:00 pm

I’m absolutely losing my mind. It’s coming up to almost 14 years. 18 months we separated and once I rebuilt myself I was the happiest in myself I’d ever been.

My ex came back about six months ago. At this point I’d sold the family home, brought my own and was thriving. No one wanted me to get back with him and I lost some friends and family along the way. It started off good and I remember saying it was the best decision I made.

It’s just so so bad at the moment yet I just can’t seem to claw my way out of it again. To put into context some of the things I’m dealing with.

The other day he called me fat (I’m a size 10)
He told me I think I’m better than everyone else and it was beneath me to reply to my children’s voice note (I was at a conference and listened to it and only 3 mins had passed). I was going to reply as soon as the next event had finished.
He has gone for my throat and been in my face over 4 times now in the last few months, each time it’s escalating
He picked up a wooden stool and held it to my face and I thought he was going to either throw it at me or out the window (he was completely sober at this point and it was because I’d put a picture on Facebook of my new hair)
He mocks me, says I want attention, calls me a *****/*****
He said I’m lazy in the bedroom

Last week he was so cruel with his words, and the stool incident, and I ended up hitting myself in the head and clawing my face. I was covered in bruises. I couldn’t hit him, as much as I wanted to, so I hit myself because I have so much anger and hurt and I can’t cope.

He's living with me and knowing how cruel he was after our last split, just makes me feel it’s easier to just stay and hope he will get better.

Can people like this ever change? I find myself trying to find my voice and instil respect by standing up for myself, but it just backfires and he says I think I’m better than him and everyone.

I feel like he projects on me how he feels about himself. I just don’t know what to do. I have a full time job and he has to do the school run two mornings when I have to commute to the office. Im absolutely petrified if I upset him and say I want out that he’ll stop helping, just because it would mean I’d lose my job. Which he is incredibly jealous about.

Im so worried he will try and get me back and control my life when it comes to the children and if I ended it. Is there any where I could go to get some help to put boundaries in place when it comes to the children if I was to leave?

Katie P(2400)

27/03/2023 at 6:25 pm

Hi Katie,

I'm so sorry that your partner has put you in this position and you are feeling so trapped.

In answer to your question - there absolutely are services that can help you and the children and if you are feeling at risk, the police can also offer support.

This situation sounds incredibly risky and I can hear that it is escalating. Do you feel able to talk to someone over the phone about those incidents that you have shared with us here?

If you call 0808 2000 247 there will be someone that you can share this with and ask for help and support to safely end the relationship.

Home | Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk)

I totally hear you when you say it feels easier just to stay, because you are worried about how it will be if he is gone, but if he intimidates you Katie, you can report this as often as necessary to the police and there are things that they can do to keep you safe, such as putting an injunction in place. Please do ask 0808 2000 247 how you can keep yourself and children safe if you end the relationship. Hopefully this will help you to feel that there is a plan in place and help there for you.

Katie, is your Netmums account secure and not linked to other devices for anyone else to access?

Please do make sure that your log in details are private.

Is it safe to PM you if we ever felt we needed to? Sometimes our private messages are linked to email addresses so I want to make sure that your partner has no access to your emails.

Please do give that number above a call when you get a safe time to do so and let us know how you get on. We are listening and we want to support you as best we can.

Katie P x

Katie X(2)

29/03/2023 at 12:53 pm

In answer to

Katie P(2400)

Hi Katie,

I'm so sorry that your partner has put you in this position and you are feeling so trapped.

In answer to your question - there absolutely are services that can help you and the children and if you are feeling at risk, the police can also offer support.

This situation sounds incredibly risky and I can hear that it is escalating. Do you feel able to talk to someone over the phone about those incidents that you have shared with us here?

If you call 0808 2000 247 there will be someone that you can share this with and ask for help and support to safely end the relationship.

Home | Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk)

Katie, is your Netmums account secure and not linked to other devices for anyone else to access?

Please do make sure that your log in details are private.

Is it safe to PM you if we ever felt we needed to? Sometimes our private messages are linked to email addresses so I want to make sure that your partner has no access to your emails.

Please do give that number above a call when you get a safe time to do so and let us know how you get on. We are listening and we want to support you as best we can.

Katie P x

Hi Katie

Thank you for your message and reassurance. All my emails are private and so is my phone so that wouldn’t be a problem.

I will be sure to call that number and have a talk through things and get some advice.

Just receiving a reply and knowing it’s not usual to be living like this gives me so much assurance and really helps me to understand this isn’t right. It’s so hard when they promise to change and they love you but I know I need to make a change and do what is best for me and the children.

Thanks for such a kind and informative reply.

Catherine M(1132)

29/03/2023 at 6:19 pm

In answer to

Katie X(2)

Hi Katie

Thank you for your message and reassurance. All my emails are private and so is my phone so that wouldn’t be a problem.

I will be sure to call that number and have a talk through things and get some advice.

Thanks for such a kind and informative reply.

Hi Katie,

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks so much for coming back to us. How are things at the moment? Did you get a chance to contact Refuge for some advice?

You are definitely not alone in this and it sounds like your instincts to 'do what is best for me and the children' are absolutely spot on. You've mentioned that you were able to rebuild before and at the time, 'I was the happiest in myself I’d ever been.' Perhaps it might feel daunting but it sounds like you have been really strong in the past. Please do link in with Refuge for some advice too and let us know how you get on. Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support.

Take care

Catherine

SunWorshipper53

30/03/2023 at 7:05 pm

I have been in your shoes, love.

Call the non emergency police and ask to book in a visit to your home to have him removed and explain why.

Historical or not, it’s a present issue and if he is asked to leave you are at risk of harm without police back up.

Following this ‘incident’, contact the national centre for domestic violence and from there on you will have steps to follow.

He has broken the law with abuse and coercion. Don’t worry - all the the evidence is in your being.

Time to go.

As for work - could your children go to breakfast club instead?

He is the not the help you want. He is unworthy.

Lucy L(1087)

30/03/2023 at 8:05 pm

In answer to

Katie X(2)

Hi Katie

Thank you for your message and reassurance. All my emails are private and so is my phone so that wouldn’t be a problem.

I will be sure to call that number and have a talk through things and get some advice.

Thanks for such a kind and informative reply.

It’s definitely not normal and deep down you know this and you have to get out. Just reading your post has made me want to reach out to you. You know you need to keep you and the children safe and he will never change. He is a narcissist and this is what they do. You do not deserve this horrible behaviour towards you and your children definitely don’t want to see it. Be strong again. Follow the safety advice given above and get out and never ever ever let him back in your life ever again. You only have one life and you need to live a happy one, not one where you are being abused and walking on eggshells. Gosh I want to come and rescue you. Please leave. Do not put up with it. You are a strong, powerful, clever, beautiful woman. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.

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Vicky R(435)

30/03/2023 at 8:24 pm

GET OUT NOW

Vicky R(435)

30/03/2023 at 8:26 pm

In answer to

Vicky R(435)

GET OUT NOW

And please update us to let us know you’re safe. PLEASE!

please please please be safe!

Katie P(2400)

31/03/2023 at 6:44 pm

In answer to

Katie X(2)

Hi Katie

Thank you for your message and reassurance. All my emails are private and so is my phone so that wouldn’t be a problem.

I will be sure to call that number and have a talk through things and get some advice.

Thanks for such a kind and informative reply.

Hi Katie,

I just wanted to check in with you this evening to see how you and the children are?

Did you find the support that you need?

Katie x

Katie X(2)

02/04/2023 at 9:28 am

In answer to

Katie P(2400)

Hi Katie,

I just wanted to check in with you this evening to see how you and the children are?

Did you find the support that you need?

Katie x

Thank you so much for your words of advice and for anyone taking the time to message me about my post. Reading the comments really really helps.

Im feeling so much better and my head is so much clearer on what I need to do now, and the help that is out there.

I’ll take up that support and reach out to the non emergency police line too, there was an incident at my old address and they put me in touch with some great support networks.

Thank you to each and every one of you.

Can't find your answer?

Tracey B(344)

02/04/2023 at 3:38 pm

Hello Katie X

We are really grateful for you taking the time to give us an update. Hearing that the advice and genuine care you have had on Netmums has been beneficial means a lot to us, so thank you for letting is know.

You have a plan, and it sounds like a positive one, you are doing well.

If you need to chat at any time again Katie, you know where to find us.

Sending you very warm wishes,

Tracey HV

Lucy L(1087)

02/04/2023 at 3:55 pm

In answer to

Katie X(2)

Thank you so much for your words of advice and for anyone taking the time to message me about my post. Reading the comments really really helps.

Im feeling so much better and my head is so much clearer on what I need to do now, and the help that is out there.

I’ll take up that support and reach out to the non emergency police line too, there was an incident at my old address and they put me in touch with some great support networks.

Thank you to each and every one of you.

I am so pleased that you have posted as I can’t stop thinking about you. Please keep us updated when it’s safe for you to do so. I am so glad you have some clarity and have made some decisions. Things will only get better from here. Thinking of you. 💐

Carly P(182)

13/04/2023 at 4:22 pm

Hi Katie

I’m a few steps ahead of you in a similar situation.

After escalating abuse and support from family and friends I managed to pluck up the courage to get my now ex abusive partner to leave. It was so hard and I carry guilt about him not seeing our 5mth old son and going to the police. But his behaviour has caused this not me.

I went to the police to report his behaviour two days after he left.

They were so supportive and understanding and have referred me to so many diff organisations to help.

If you ever need a chat I’m here and I wish you the best of luck.

You and your children/child deserve to be safe and happy.

As you know it’s hard ending any relationship let alone one of this nature but you will be happy again and so will I.

Best wishes for the future x

Carly