Is this an abusive relationship?

Hi Ashleigh,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Ashleigh,

I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you gentle hugs this morning, I can hear how upsetting this situation is for you. You mentioned how scared you are at the thought of not being with your partner anymore but I'm wondering what he brings to your relationship that you are scared of losing?

You mentioned you, 'pay all the bills, rent, childcare, birthday and Christmas presents .' He doesn't work and ' spends £50 every other day on cannabis .' He also says degrading comments to you in front of the children such as calling you ' fat' and saying ' you're a cow '. If a friend was telling you this about their relationship Ashleigh, what would be your advice to them?

You are the one left feeling ' useless as a girlfriend and a parent. ' yet from what you have described you are doing everything for your family and relationship and receiving nothing in return. It can be overwhelming and scary thinking of being alone again but you are not starting from scratch this time like before, you are starting from experience. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for Ashleigh.

Have you considered reaching out to Womens' Aid? They are a great free service who can provide you with expert help and advice about your situation. What you do with it is up to you, there is no pressure to do anything. It may help to have another source of support to lean out to at this time.

Home - Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk)

Do come back and chat some more if we can help further. Take care,

Emma

He's told me he's had a £100 parking fine and I've to pay it I says to him no because I don't drive so I don't no where he should park and we're he shouldn't park. He took his mum out though and he got a puncture but she wasn't to pay for a tyre. If its not petrol it's cannabis or cigarettes that's not including money for my own kids to feed them cloth them and keep them warm. He threatens me with his family how his family are coming down to attack me and my family and how he can do so much better than me.

He has caused arguments with my neighbours and I'm being taking to court for it. Its never ending he won't even make dinner or a sandwich or anything I've to do everything and he doesn't like doing dishes so I need to do them to.

Hi Ashleigh,

I'm Katie, I am also a Parent Supporter, alongside Emma.

Ashleigh, you do not deserve to be treated in this way. You have asked whether you feel this is an abusive relationship - and from what you have shared, it absolutely is. Without a doubt.

As Emma said, you have so much to offer. You are a caring and supportive person and it sounds like your partner is completely taking advantage of that.

The threats from his family sound really scary and it must be awful to feel trapped.

There are people that can help though Ashleigh.

Do you have a safe time to contact a professional for some help?

Emma has added a link for Women's Aid, or alternatively, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. It is a free number and you can contact them day or night.

This relationship sounds so toxic for you and your children and I hope that you feel able to reach out for that support.

Emotional abuse can be just as dangerous and frightening as physical abuse and you deserve some help to end the relationship safely.

Please do keep talking to us here. Also, please remember to keep yourself safe online and log out after using your Netmums Account. It is important to make sure your account isn't linked to any other/shared devices. If we needed to send you a Private Message Ashleigh, would that be safe? Or is your account linked to a shared email address?

Katie x

What a useless comment! Perhaps if her partner wasn't such a lazy, user, disgrace of a man then he could get his hands wet and wash them.

Hi Ashleigh

Please get out of this relationship as soon as you possibly can!! This relationship is 100% abusive. He is absolutely using and taking advantage of you. He has nothing to offer you, please ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. There’s no love, no support, it’s not a partnership. You sound like a wonderful provider for your children and have so much to offer. Please take care of, and love yourself, you deserve so much more than this. Take care xx

How on earth is this helpful?! If it’s meant to be a joke it’s not funny and in poor taste.

Sweet heart youvare not the useless one, he is. He is abusing you financially and mentally. It sounds like this is your place. Tell him to go live with his mom and get out of your house. He has the gall to speak trash towards you but don't pay b the bills or support his own child. He is using you and you deserve better than a miser with nothing to offer you. Not even compassion. You're not weak. It takes a strong woman to do as you have for as long as you have. He's actually the weak one, mooching off you and expecting you to give up your stuff for him. Get rid of him. He will try to bully you into submission and may even use fake compassion to get you to open the door to him again but he doesn't deserve a woman such as yourself. He probably will try to use your child as an excuse as well. If he couldn't do right for you, he sure wouldn't do right for her.

Oh Ashleigh, you are 100% in an abusive relationship, financially and emotionally/mentally. It's something you can now go to the police about if you are trying to leave him, and I sincerely suggest you do. You can also report him for the threats, even if they are empty threats. Womens Aid will be able to help you come up with a plan to safely leave him. I'm going to apologise for saying this but if you can't leave for yourself then please do it for your beautiful children. How do you think they feel constantly seeing someone belittle and demean their mother. Your boy needs to know its not OK to treat women or anyone like this. Good luck and please stay safe and careful.

Sounds like you could be like the same person she's talking about with this stupid comment

You are defo in an abusive relationship. Have you got anyone you can confide in? If so you need to let them know everything that's going on. I'd talk to woman aid as well because it's not going to be easy to just chuck him out etc. Learn your rights and make a secret plan from there. If he wants to see your child then go through mediation so it's recorded and you have a voice of reason. Once you get out of this please try to stay on your own for a while so you can heal and just enjoy yourself and your kids and settle again. Go out with friends. Get your confidence back. I'd also opt for therapy for my 12year old too after they've been involved in this. He sounds awful to deal with and hes enabled by his family who sound equally as awful

He is still a little boy wanting to have a mummy with him. He is no mature man and has zero respect for you. A little boy having tantrums.

This guy is no good sorry.

It’s coming up for a year since you first came here and described some pretty awful behaviour from this man.

It’s not got any better. It seems to have got a lot worse. What he is doing is highly abusive.

You are an incredible woman but this man will NEVER appreciate you and he will never respect you … he will only ever take advantage of you and that is on HIM not a reflection of you. He will not change for you, or for any woman.

It is time to make your safe plans to leave this relationship.

Please speak to Womens Aid again and let them help you get out of this situation. You deserve so much better and you will be so much happier without him once you can finally take that step. You’ve done it once, you know you can do it again… I’m just so sorry that you have to and my heart goes out to you but you must do this. As I say, speak to Women’s aid who will help you do this safely.

All the best xxx

Why are you still with this loser? He treats you like dirt. He categorically will NOT change, ever! He’s lazy, abusive, a scrounger and a complete waste of space. Get out now!