Childcare costs AIBU?
24 answers /
Last post: 18/04/2023 at 7:18 am
I am due to go to back to work following maternity leave in a couple of weeks and this evening me and my husband argued over paying nursery fees for our 9 month old daughter (we also have a 4 year old daughter who is at school). I will be returning to work 4 days per week in the NHS and our youngest will be going to nursery 2 days per week as my mum will be looking after her the other 2 days. Our monthly nursery bill will be £448 and we will also have costs of £144 per month for our eldest daughter to go to breakfast and after school club.
I have a lease car through work so after the cost of that has been deducted my take home pay will be £1600 per month. My total bills are £1003 per month so if I pay our childcare bill I will have nothing left at the end of the month. In contrast my husband earns £1500 per week and does pay the majority of our bills but once his bills have been deducted has £3500 left over per month. My husband doesn’t see why he should have to pay our childcare fees because this is something I paid out of my wages with our eldest daughter. I feel that I shouldn’t be left with nothing at the end of the month while he has spare more than double my take home pay. AIBU to expect him to pay the fees?
No, you're not being unreasonable to expect your husband to think of his money as "Family" money rather than "his" money.
Families are support structures. All those who benefit from that structure should contribute what is needed to support the others in that family. Children are children of the family.
In fact, if one member of a family is deliberately creating a situation where another member is financially disadvantaged (for example by making it so that one person has no money, or has to ask for money to pay for essentials) it satisfies the definition of financial abuse.
If your husband believes that leaving you to shoulder a financial burden that leaves you so much worse off than him is a good thing, you might want to ask why that is.
No, you're not being unreasonable to expect your husband to think of his money as "Family" money rather than "his" money.
Families are support structures. All those who benefit from that structure should contribute what is needed to support the others in that family. Children are children of the family.
In fact, if one member of a family is deliberately creating a situation where another member is financially disadvantaged (for example by making it so that one person has no money, or has to ask for money to pay for essentials) it satisfies the definition of financial abuse.
If your husband believes that leaving you to shoulder a financial burden that leaves you so much worse off than him is a good thing, you might want to ask why that is.
Couldn't have put this any better if I tried
The fact you have his and hers money is something that needs addressing
Your both responsible for childcare and all other bills, I can't believe he'd actually leave you with nothing.
I'd refuse to go back to work in that case.
Just tell him politely if that is that case, then he will have to reduce his hours to cover ALL the childcare that is required. And then there is no childcare fees to pay, problem solved.
At the same time, I'd also show him the breakdown of figures that you've shared with us. But use percentages instead of figures and explain this is a partnership and it should be fair. The fact that he pays more is irrelevant because he earns more. Its about what's equitable.
If I've read the post correctly, you are both the parents of your two children.
In my view, they are a 'hoint expenditure' and therefore, at the very least, any costs should be shared.
I’m completely confused? If you’re a family, neither of you should be left with more than the other. You’re a team! A family. A unit. All money in one pot, pay all bills, put aside whatever you need to feed the family, save whatever you want to & anything left is all of yours to decide what to do with together. Honestly, leaving you with nothing sounds like financial abuse & definitely needs addressing. Hope you can find a solution.
Honestly I never get why couples have separate money?
you live together? You love each other? You want to do things together? How can you do that if one’s got money and the other hasn’t? It’s silly!
Whats he going to do with ‘his’ spare money at the end of the month? Go out to dinner on his own? Go on holiday alone? No, he wants to spend it with you, so he may as well share it to begin with?
Its just a weird little power game to make him feel important when you all go out as a family, because he feels like he’s paying 🙄
Tell him to stop compensating, he’s obviously insecure about something 🍆
I can never understand this whole "my money", "his money".... are you a family unit or flatmates?
When I went on maternity I was on statutory maternity pay earning 600-700 a month as opposed to earning the 1600 month I was before.
Even though we had discussed it several times my now ex husband (we split When my twins were 9 months) was fuming I wasn't paying my 'half' of the bills anymore. He kept a running total of what I 'owed' him from him paying more towards the bills and made me transfer every penny of my maternity pay to him for bills. The only money I had was 140 or so a month Child maintenance but I was expected to pay all the costs of nappies, wipes and formula for the twins with this. I had 9 months of no money whatsoever, I'd have to ask him to 'borrow' money if I needed sanitary products or to get bus somewhere with the girls (he drove and I didn't and he worked nights so wasn't around in the day as asleep) I also had to show him receipts to 'prove' what I had spent.
It wasn't til we split and I spoke to a friend and she was horrified and called it financial abuse that I realised that was what it was.
A marriage should be a a communal pot of money. If he earns more he should chip in to pay towards the childcare, it won't be forever as eventually your youngest will start school and childcare will be less.
Maybe you could come to an agreement.... like he pays half or 3/4 of the fees so you have some money left to yourself
It doesn't sound like he would be hard up for money if he paid towards the fees at all and it's not fair he has all this disposable income and you have nothing. The child is both of your responsibility not just yours.
I hope you get it sorted.
When I went on maternity I was on statutory maternity pay earning 600-700 a month as opposed to earning the 1600 month I was before.
Even though we had discussed it several times my now ex husband (we split When my twins were 9 months) was fuming I wasn't paying my 'half' of the bills anymore. He kept a running total of what I 'owed' him from him paying more towards the bills and made me transfer every penny of my maternity pay to him for bills. The only money I had was 140 or so a month Child maintenance but I was expected to pay all the costs of nappies, wipes and formula for the twins with this. I had 9 months of no money whatsoever, I'd have to ask him to 'borrow' money if I needed sanitary products or to get bus somewhere with the girls (he drove and I didn't and he worked nights so wasn't around in the day as asleep) I also had to show him receipts to 'prove' what I had spent.
It wasn't til we split and I spoke to a friend and she was horrified and called it financial abuse that I realised that was what it was.
A marriage should be a a communal pot of money. If he earns more he should chip in to pay towards the childcare, it won't be forever as eventually your youngest will start school and childcare will be less.
Maybe you could come to an agreement.... like he pays half or 3/4 of the fees so you have some money left to yourself
It doesn't sound like he would be hard up for money if he paid towards the fees at all and it's not fair he has all this disposable income and you have nothing. The child is both of your responsibility not just yours.
I hope you get it sorted.
140 or so Child benefit not maintenance sorry!
WOW!!!
I'm sorry to hear this but like everyone says if you're married then you both are supposed to support each other. I am not married, but I have 2 year-old-son with my partner although everything is in my name, we both go halves on EVERYTHING, without arguments if that was me in your situation I would seek advice because it seems to me he doesn't really care although he pays towards bills but surely to see you out of pocket is wrong you have needs too & not seeing his children in an education setting that they need.
He can afford to pay the entire nursery and still be in a good position financially. I’m not sure how you should address it but it definitely seems unfair that he wants to leave you with nothing. Maybe it’s about him being able to control you with the money.
I’m completely horrified reading your experience and anyone else who’s been subjected to such control which takes a huge toll on your mental well being, stability and emotional well being.
your OH sounds like a monster to live with, you must be constantly walking on egg shells, that’s no life at all, frankly you’d be better off financially and mentally if you left him. Sounds like you’re more than capable of funding for everything and he’d be forced to give you CN payments so your life would definitely be better off.
onmy you can make that decision, you have your family shop which so many don’t in these situations and I’m sure they’d be even more helpful if that were the stance you took.
sadly he has a mindset that’s unlikely to change as seems all attempts to date have fallen on his very deaf ears, or should I say, more he doesn’t care what you think or want and will do as he wants anyway. That will continue to be your life, no amount of pleading, coaxing or attempts to reason will be considered.
have a heart to heart with your mum and see what she thinks.. seems right now you’re not ready to face the truth, I hope it comes to you sooner than later…
I'm simply lost for words. What planet is this man on???
You're not asking for money to buy a Gucci bag, these are HIS children, and providing childcare is a part of being a working parent.
With the money he earns, what right does he have to hog it all to himself? Wow just wow.