Coming to terms with ending an abusive relationship

Hi Carly,

I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. Every step you have made so far has taken a lot of courage and you should be really proud of yourself. You have done everything right to make sure you and your children are safe, but I hear you that you are left feeling guilty. It sounds like part of you knows you shouldn’t feel that way, but this doesn’t take away the feeling. One very difficult aspect of domestic abuse is that although the relationship is abusive, you are still leaving a long term relationship and it can take time to adjust. It is normal to feel a whole range of emotions as you come to terms with all of this.

Women’s Aid have a page here about support the impact of abuse after leaving a relationship that might be helpful: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/#1667819554726-2a338e96-a12e

I wonder if you have received any support through all of this Carly? You deserve to have help as you heal from the abuse you’ve been subjected to. Women’s Aid have a live chat where you can get expert advice on what help is available for you. Many local domestic abuse services will have specialist workers called Independent Domestic Violence Advocates who will be able to support you through the court process.

Victim support have some help available as well, they offer an online course for women who have suffered domestic abuse, with a focus on the importance of self-worth and taking care of yourself: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/more-us/why-choose-us/specialist-services/imatter/

Hope some of this is helpful Carly, please let us know if we can support you further with this

Take care,

Kayleigh

Thank you. I am being supported by an IDVA and child services and hopefully housing as have a section 21 as my landlord is selling. It is due to expire on Tuesday so am facing homelessness too. I need to move anyway for safety so my ex doesn’t know where I will be living.

How can I explain to my ex’s parents that I can’t allow contact with their grandson as don’t trust them to return him or to stick to mine and child services wishes/advice of not allowing my ex/their son access to him.

Any advice would be appreciated

thank you

carly

Hi Carly,

I’m sorry to hear about your housing situation, have you been referred on for some help for housing support by your IDVA?

I imagine it is difficult to face demands from your ex’s parents for contact. Your concerns are completely valid Carly. Your ex’s parents don’t have an automatic right to have contact with your son and you are restricting this because you need to keep your son safe. If you felt comfortable to do so, you could consider allowing indirect contact, such as a phone call. If they continue to put pressure on you about this, you could consider getting some legal advice as well.

There is some further guidance from here that may be helpful too, including how to access legal advice: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Protecting-my-children

Take care,

Kayleigh

Thanks for replying again.

I have been referred for support for housing but just seems it will be very last minute and is just very stressful.

I just have no control.

I have two older boys 14 & 12 and the son I share with my abusive ex is only just 5mths old. So I’m not really sure phone/video will work. Also not sure if his mum would remain civil with me and would prob try to manipulate or persuade me to change my mind.

I have sent photos every couple of weeks so have tried to do the best I can within safe limits.

I’m sorry if I’ve repeated anything or rambled.

thanks again

Hi Carly,

It’s understandable things are feeling stressful right now whilst there is a lot of uncertainty around housing, I’m sorry to hear it is feeling very last minute. If you are unsure what happens next now you have been referred, this may leave you feeling even less in control of the situation. Shelter have some information about what you can expect here which may be helpful: https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/get_help_from_the_council/personal_housing_plans

Because you have been given a section 21 notice, you are entitled to help right away, you should hear from housing support soon, they will assess your referral based on priority and how quickly you will need help. Because you have children, you will automatically be considered as having a priority need which means you would be entitled to emergency housing as well.

It sounds like phone calls would not work well for you and you’re worried about how his mum might be over the phone, don’t feel you have to push the boundaries you have set, you are trying to accommodate in a way that feels safe by sending over photos. You aren’t obligated to do anymore than this, though I understand it must be hard to face pressured from them for visits.

You are having to juggle many stressors at the moment Carly, do you have family or friends nearby you feel comfortable sharing with? You deserve to have someone to lean on as you navigate this. We are listening too if you’re finding it helpful to share here

Take care,

Kayleigh