Too old to start over?
12 answers /
Last post: 12/04/2023 at 8:07 pm
I’m 33 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is 34. I want to get married and have children in the near future but I’m worried my boyfriend isn’t on the same page as me and I feel overwhelmed at having to start over.
If we disagree about anything my boyfriend refuses to talk to me about what is causing the arguments. He gives me the silent treatment, storms off and goes out for hours without telling me where he is going or when he will be back. When I have wanted space during in argument I have told him where I am going e.g. I’m going for a walk, I will be back soon.
He also shouts at me despite me asking him to stop. This often makes me cry as I don’t like being shouted at. Whenever I am upset he will either continue shouting or he will leave the room instead of stopping or comforting me.
The last time he shouted at me I asked him to go out earlier (he was going out later that day anyway). I said if you’re going to keep shouting at me I don’t want you in our home right now. His response was ‘I’m leaving you and never coming back if I go out earlier’. He then began emptying cupboards and collecting his things. He put them all back and then blamed me for ‘making’ him pack his things.
He never apologises without me asking for an apology and will say things like “I wouldn’t have behaved like that if you didn’t argue with me”. The day after arguments he will often lay in bed and refuse to get up and help out. If he is at work he will get up, sort himself out and leave without saying much to me.
I’ve spoken to him about marriage and children and he will say ‘it will all happen when it’s meant to’. We’ve been together 3 years, live together and we’re in our thirties. I don’t really know what he’s waiting for and it worries me that deep down he doesn’t want the same things as me.
I feel so overwhelmed as I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t on the same page as me but I also can’t face dating again and feeling under time pressure because I am now older…
Hi Bea,
I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. How are you feeling today? It sounds like you and your partner have completely different communication styles when it comes to dealing with conflict and this is causing a big problem for you both. Although conflict is expected and healthy for a couple, it needs to be addressed in a way that can help to resolve and diffuse, not escalate the issues. Have either of you ever considered couples counselling before to help with your communication during these times?
I'll link to an article we published here on Netmums about dealing with arguments in relationships if you would like to take a look Bea, How To Defuse An Argument With Your Partner - Netmums
I can hear that you are worried your partners wants and needs may not be the same as yours in terms of when to start a family or get married and this is concerning for you. Has he communicated what his reasons are for not wanting to start trying for a family as yet? Sometimes fear of the unknown and change can be a big factor in postponing life changing decisions, if you can find a good time and space to sit down and really share your feelings, hopes and worries together it may help to understand where each one is coming from.
I'm wondering Bea, if your partner did want to start trying for a family soon, would you still be considering leaving given the other issues? Do you still have connection, fun and intimacy in your relationship? 33 years old is still very young these days as people tend to start families older. The world is your oyster, if you could remove fear, what would you like to do?
I know your situation will resonate with many of our other lovely community members here too so hopefully they will be along shortly to share their own experiences also.
Take care,
Emma
I can understand your fears about the future and how today presents itself.
Firstly being early 30s is no age at all so no one is past it. Sure people have aims and goals for life but being an adult is pretty dynamic and things change.
Its unhelpful your partner is shouty and sulky or it’s “his way or no way.” It takes two in a relationship and everyone is different. I get the impression that you find his behaviour intimidating to an extent and relationships should be enjoyed.
Sure couples argue and disagree but not to the extent that you want to keep apart for a bit.
The prospect of children is daunting to many and to plan almost means there is a finality to it all. With my three children they just happened and were great. No pressure on either of us.
My then wife had first one at 33 and last at 38.
You need to try and understand if partner wants children and whether your needs and wants are materially different.
Plus I’d want to iron out this argumentative side which upsets you. I never argued with ex-wife but we did disagree. With my subsequent girlfriend we rarely argued as well but we’d squabble for a bit. It was Give and take and respect to each other.
You need to look at your happiness. Starting over is daunting but it suddenly becomes exciting. An opportunity to “reset” and do new things. I was very happy at my new found liberty at 50! Different scenario I know but I assumed it was daunting and I’d never be happy again.
Good luck…
Hi Bea,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships board, so you can get the advice and support you need
I can understand your fears about the future and how today presents itself.
Firstly being early 30s is no age at all so no one is past it. Sure people have aims and goals for life but being an adult is pretty dynamic and things change.
Its unhelpful your partner is shouty and sulky or it’s “his way or no way.” It takes two in a relationship and everyone is different. I get the impression that you find his behaviour intimidating to an extent and relationships should be enjoyed.
Sure couples argue and disagree but not to the extent that you want to keep apart for a bit.
The prospect of children is daunting to many and to plan almost means there is a finality to it all. With my three children they just happened and were great. No pressure on either of us.
My then wife had first one at 33 and last at 38.
You need to try and understand if partner wants children and whether your needs and wants are materially different.
Plus I’d want to iron out this argumentative side which upsets you. I never argued with ex-wife but we did disagree. With my subsequent girlfriend we rarely argued as well but we’d squabble for a bit. It was Give and take and respect to each other.
You need to look at your happiness. Starting over is daunting but it suddenly becomes exciting. An opportunity to “reset” and do new things. I was very happy at my new found liberty at 50! Different scenario I know but I assumed it was daunting and I’d never be happy again.
Good luck…
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it's useful to think of things from a different perspective.
Do you actually want to get married and have kids with him? What are the good things that you love about him? Or are you more worried about wanting these things in general and being aware of your age/ like your post asks- are you too old to start again? - If you were 5 years younger would you be more willing to start again? If so there's your answer.
What kind of things are you arguing about and how often?
It doesn't sound like you're very happy with him, but you might just be focussing on the arguments/bad sides in your post. The last thing you want it to have kids in an environment with shouting/arguing, it's not fair and you'll likely end up splitting up and then being tied to him forever
Do you actually want to get married and have kids with him? What are the good things that you love about him? Or are you more worried about wanting these things in general and being aware of your age/ like your post asks- are you too old to start again? - If you were 5 years younger would you be more willing to start again? If so there's your answer.
What kind of things are you arguing about and how often?
It doesn't sound like you're very happy with him, but you might just be focussing on the arguments/bad sides in your post. The last thing you want it to have kids in an environment with shouting/arguing, it's not fair and you'll likely end up splitting up and then being tied to him forever
Bea, I totally agree with Tim, its never too late to restart your life.
Maybe do a list of pros & cons & where you see your life 5 years down the line.
You only get one go at this life so make sure it’s what you want & with who you want to be with.
Maybe next time you can help him pack?
Sorry, that was flippant, But when you met him did you get that feeling of this is definitely the one? I told my mum that I had just met the man I was going to marry!(this was within an hour if meeting him!) 2 years later we did & now we have 3 fantastic adult children & are about to celebrate 25 wonderful years of marriage.
Enjoy your m’lovely
Lx
Hi, its sounds like your not in a very happy relationship to be honest, marriage will not fix anything and children will put more strain on the relationship, don't settle just because you think thats where you should be at your age, 33 is no age at all. Im 32, i thought me and my ex partner of 4 years were ready to take the next step despite us arguing alot, he was very much like your describing your partner. We broke up when i was 4 months pregnant. I now have a 6 year old, yes shes my world but i have done it alone. 2 years ago i thought i was destined to be alone forever, I'm now in a very happy loving relationship and engaged. Your life can turn around at any moment when you least expect it, but don't hang around waiting for things to get better if you don't believe he is willing to work on things, good luck xx
Hi Bea.
You are in no way too old to start again, and it sounds like you’re in a relationship which is making you anxious and unhappy. I was divorced at 39, having gone through many unsuccessful rounds of IVF and then planning to adopt. I discovered an affair while we were waiting to be matched with a child, and called time on the marriage. A year later I’d met someone else, who I’m now happily married to, and was pregnant with our child. It’s never too late to choose to prioritise yourself, your happiness and your future. You’re still young, and have lots of time, spend it with someone who deserves you.
Helllll noooo it's not too late!!!! You're still young!!! Im 37 and still feel young so please do not entertain the "too old" stuff. You're at a really good age! And it only gets better from what I've heard from women in their 40s, 50s and so on. Only thing I will say is if your partner is making you feel that bad then leave. Do not waste anymore time
Does he bring you joy? Does he make your heart sing? Does he care for you? Do you feel loved? Do you see yourself growing old together? Ask yourself these questions. He sounds like a narcissist and if I were you I’d run for the hills. He sounds like someone’s worst nightmare. Get away, safely as fast as you can. You know deep down it’s not right. Trust your instinct. You are not old. You have so much time ahead of you. Please leave, now. X