Mum in law expects me to do it all
19 answers /
Last post: 14/03/2023 at 10:07 pm
Hello all, just come for a little moan really and to ask. Was parenting different 40 years ago? How did mums manage to do all the cooking and cleaning and still look after kids?
i do all the above but find it so hard to keep on top of all the housework with an 11 month old baby. I get mad and frustrated that the mother in law can’t understand why I struggle to get it all done. Apparently she did it all no probs with 4 kids 🙄🤯🤦♀️
Ugh get your partner to tell her to butto out!
40 years ago most of the women she knew would also have been off work with kids, often times grandparents too.
They also didn't have the knowledge we do on stimulating baby, as many baby classes (usually just a play group) and everything that ges with it. Babies were popped in prams whilst mum got on with it. We know better than to do this now.
I'm 33, mum had 3 kids and our house wasn't always tidy. My dad often talks of coming home.from work to my mum in tears where he would take over. But my parents have always dhared the load more than most of the time.
women were taught they had to do it all, that was their role in life. Now we value our mental health and the fact that raising kids is hard work.
Next time.she criticises j would say 'I really don't appreciate when you criticise me, times have changed in the last 40 years'
Or maybe 'did your mother in law criticise you when you had your babies? How did that make you feel' (cos she probably did)
Or my personal favourite is 'listen, I live with the child you raised I wouldn't be getting too smug if I were you'
My mother in law commented on the amount of freezer food I'd gotten in when I had my newborn and I went 'yes that's because you didn't teach your son how to cook anything else. What did he eat Growing up?' That shut her up lol he was raised on the stuff.
Firstly you are doing a great job .
I think that looking back on things you only remember the good times . I have 4 kids and can honestly say hand on heart that the house and kids are never clean at the same time !! My oldest is 15 , youngest is 6 so I remember the nights up all night with sick or teething babies , then only having the energy for the bare minimum the next day . I'd be telling the mil not to visit for a while unless she's going to be helpful and keep her thoughts to herself
Hi Mandy,
You were not there to see if she really did it all or did what she in her mind thought was all needed.
My husband and I almost split when our son was born, because of statements like this from my MIL. My husband really thought she did it all and as MIL was saying I was just being lazy. Then he and my son lived for 2 months with her and then my husband alone with her for another 7 months while I was preparing our new home in another country and he never mentioned to me again that I was lazy or not doing enough. When I went back after two months to pick up our son, the apartment they were living in was clearly suffering for a cleaning. And when they left the apartment 7 months later so my husband could join me, the landlord called me to complain about the apartment being handover dirty.
The other thing that I have seen with my mother, my mom really had a village, my father's parents were all the time helping with childcare and other things. They had other family members around and I remember us kids spending often time at each other's homes, and babies everyone was offering to care for them a few hours even when the moms had nothing to do, so they had plenty of time to do things around the house, we kids would entertain with each other and never needed parents to entertain us. While with my son, I almost never have a place to take him when I need to do something, if my husband can't care for him, he is always with me, he also needs entertaining and basically is tied to my leg, if I try to cook he will get between me and the counter, even now that he is almost 5. This adds a lot to the mental load and mom being all the time tired.
Oh don't worry, apparently mine worked full time and the house was still spotless. I work full time and my house is upside down. You don't have to be constantly doing housework either, you're entirely to have a sit down, spend quality time with your child, do stuff for yourself. Who knows, maybe they just worked there fingers to the bone and spent no time with their kids. Or maybe they have just forgotten......
What a cow! She probably didn't work or spend any quality time with her kids, she just spent all her time cleaning and cooking for the man of the house, being a bloody martyr. Tell her if she doesn't like it she's welcome to come round and get the hoover out-hopefully she won't end up with it jammed up where the sun don't shine the cheeky old bag.
They had a village we have bare minimal with grandparents who do not bother in most cases. They didn't have to parent alone most grandparents back then looked after their grandkids weekends holidays etc parents had a break and a chance to get their life together. When kids were a little older they were out playing with friends no parent in sight they got a break and didnt have to work and raise kids and look after a home we as i have seen alot are the generation who parents didnt parent and therfore do not grandparent who have to raise kids a home and work to live things are very different they had it easy, honestly do not think half of them know how hard it actually is. Ignore your mil shes an idiot.x
You have to make sacrifices somewhere, no one is doing everything perfectly!
I’ve got a 3 year old, and a severe ASD, non-verbal, 7 year old. I also work, separate from that I am on a solicitors placement, and I’m a full time uni student…
but I’m a ***** mum 👍
People ask me how I do it all, all the time. Truth is I don’t, I shout at my kids, bang chicken nuggs in the oven, and try not to have a breakdown! My house is also an absolute *****, and last week I sent my son to school in a normal jumper because I had no school jumpers washed 😂😂
Oh and the icing on the cake, I forgot world book day didn’t I 🙄😂
Look on my social media though, and I’m super mum honestly 😂
NO ONE is actually doing it all, no matter how much it seems like they are!
My mum had 3 kids under 5, ran a full time business 6 days a week from home, the house was spotless and we had home cooked food every day. My dad did sod all at home except performatively clean the car every Sunday, and, lucky her, drive her to the shops once a week. It was an extremely old fashioned, gender divided marriage. But she did NOTHING with us or for herself. Neither of them took us to any clubs or activities, we were left to our own devices most of the time, they had no idea what was going on at school, gave no support or encouragement around exams, Uni wasn’t even discussed. So your MIL is most likely painting a VERY once sided picture of what it was like in her day. I’d always choose having an untidy house to spend time with my kids - they’re only little for a really short time, enjoy it.
Please don't take her comments to heart, things were very different back then and I also think people easily forget the bad parts as time goes by.. my MIL told me once that she had 3 kids under 4years old and her house was always spotless and all of the babies slept through from just few weeks old! Yeah right!! I think she is remembering through Rose tinted glasses! I let her say her bit and shrug it off because I don't think my MIL means any malice in what she says but she is remembering what she wants to.
I hear you it's not constructive of her to say this but YOU and your kids know you're doing everything you can for them so that's all that matters! X
Children were not always priority 40 years ago. I’d rather sit and play with my 11 month old and make sure he is happy and content and we build that bond than shove him in pushchair all day so my house was presentable, but for who? Probably just my husband 😂
All joking aside I do get stressed if house gets on top of me, I do also have a 11 month old but also a 14 & 17 year old who probably make more mess than my 11 month old 😂
i started to have set days where I would do one room or one job each day. I always clear downstairs as priority just in case you have that one unexpected visitor but guarantee my upstairs will look like a bomb has gone off.
Just ignore your mother in law, times have changed and many can’t see that or accept it.
Ugh get your partner to tell her to butto out!
40 years ago most of the women she knew would also have been off work with kids, often times grandparents too.
They also didn't have the knowledge we do on stimulating baby, as many baby classes (usually just a play group) and everything that ges with it. Babies were popped in prams whilst mum got on with it. We know better than to do this now.
I'm 33, mum had 3 kids and our house wasn't always tidy. My dad often talks of coming home.from work to my mum in tears where he would take over. But my parents have always dhared the load more than most of the time.
women were taught they had to do it all, that was their role in life. Now we value our mental health and the fact that raising kids is hard work.
Next time.she criticises j would say 'I really don't appreciate when you criticise me, times have changed in the last 40 years'
Or maybe 'did your mother in law criticise you when you had your babies? How did that make you feel' (cos she probably did)
Or my personal favourite is 'listen, I live with the child you raised I wouldn't be getting too smug if I were you'
My mother in law commented on the amount of freezer food I'd gotten in when I had my newborn and I went 'yes that's because you didn't teach your son how to cook anything else. What did he eat Growing up?' That shut her up lol he was raised on the stuff.
Thank you so much Georgie, your message means so much to me and has made me feel so much better. The mother in law and father in law are both very old fashioned. They can be lovely at times but I do have to bite my tongue a lot. Have a wonderful week x
Firstly you are doing a great job .
I think that looking back on things you only remember the good times . I have 4 kids and can honestly say hand on heart that the house and kids are never clean at the same time !! My oldest is 15 , youngest is 6 so I remember the nights up all night with sick or teething babies , then only having the energy for the bare minimum the next day . I'd be telling the mil not to visit for a while unless she's going to be helpful and keep her thoughts to herself
Hello Lorna, thank you so much for your message, much appreciated. I think you are spot on with what you say, times & research have changed so much but some people are so set in their ways I guess. I will take her comments with a pinch of salt from now on. Have a great week x
Hi Mandy,
You were not there to see if she really did it all or did what she in her mind thought was all needed.
My husband and I almost split when our son was born, because of statements like this from my MIL. My husband really thought she did it all and as MIL was saying I was just being lazy. Then he and my son lived for 2 months with her and then my husband alone with her for another 7 months while I was preparing our new home in another country and he never mentioned to me again that I was lazy or not doing enough. When I went back after two months to pick up our son, the apartment they were living in was clearly suffering for a cleaning. And when they left the apartment 7 months later so my husband could join me, the landlord called me to complain about the apartment being handover dirty.
The other thing that I have seen with my mother, my mom really had a village, my father's parents were all the time helping with childcare and other things. They had other family members around and I remember us kids spending often time at each other's homes, and babies everyone was offering to care for them a few hours even when the moms had nothing to do, so they had plenty of time to do things around the house, we kids would entertain with each other and never needed parents to entertain us. While with my son, I almost never have a place to take him when I need to do something, if my husband can't care for him, he is always with me, he also needs entertaining and basically is tied to my leg, if I try to cook he will get between me and the counter, even now that he is almost 5. This adds a lot to the mental load and mom being all the time tired.
Hello Ama, thank you for your reply. So greatly appreciated. So sorry to hear you had bad time of it to. I think most husbands just believe what their mothers say and no woman can match up to them. I thought she was being old fashioned but just needed it confirmed lol
have a great week x
Oh don't worry, apparently mine worked full time and the house was still spotless. I work full time and my house is upside down. You don't have to be constantly doing housework either, you're entirely to have a sit down, spend quality time with your child, do stuff for yourself. Who knows, maybe they just worked there fingers to the bone and spent no time with their kids. Or maybe they have just forgotten......
Thank you for your reply Elaine, you have made me feel much better thank you. She can be lovely at times but I think she is just so old fashioned. Totally agree, playing with the kids is much more important. Have a great week x