I think I'm doing the right thing but why do I feel so awful
7 answers /
Last post: 15/04/2023 at 6:34 pm
Hi all, people may remember I posted some time ago about my current partner. It was about some earing he lied about for my birthday then lied about. I got a mixed response really some say I'm overreacting others that its a red flag of other things which I guess it is.
I've finally got my partner to agree to a trial separation last night. He is cordial bit clearly unhappy with me . The reason why is so complicated I think he's depressed, unwell he definitely has a problem with alcohol but won't deal with it. Things came to a head at weekend when he tried to initiate intimacy which he only ever does recently if I'm upset/ angry with him . I think he thinks this will shut me up and solve anything. Anyway he made a comment that upset me . During sex I do something involuntarily which I find embarrassing but generally isn't seen as a negative thing bit he keeps comparing it to peeing on him ( sorry if tmi) and I find that really humiliating and makes me feel as sext as a lady of 90 who is incontinent so puts me right off. This isn't the first time he's said it and he has apologised in the past but then brings it up again and when I complain he knows how it makes me feel then argues biology at me. Anyway this started the motherload of arguments I'm picking of him, manipulate playing the victim ect. Whereas I was like we have wellbeing services involved in our family due primarily to how he is with the children and me and I said its not picking on you its trying to get you to understand that your behaviour has an impact on the whole family and I'm tired of hearing I'll change, help more get help because I've been hearing that for over a year. The next day he got paralytic drunk wet himself on the sofa ( 5/6 th time this year) pulled his shorts down and wondered off upstairs. Spent the majority of the night shouting abuse again in his sleep shes going to get hers etc and mentioning my name . So when he tried again last night to initiate something I was flat out like no highlighted the above behaviour saying this is not normal behaviour. He threw jellwery id bought him at me shouting were are done pulled the stair gate off the wall and basically acted like a psycho. Anyway he claims down maybe an hour or so later and tries to take it back and I was just so done by this point . I said we need a break you need to get help and decide if you want to be here in this relationship or not because your behaviour isn't exactly showing that. He said so many things which made me feel guilty basically he'd have to live in a tent or go off to die in Ukraine ( again he always does this when we argue about separating) and telling me I need a trusted third party and I'm like why? And being like you'll see??? He suggested if we separated temporarily what I would do if he found somone else. I think this is incredibly weird and hurtful thing to say if your trying to save your relationship surely? I told him if he did good luck with that I don't personally think anyone would sign up for someone who barely moves off the sofa but I guess each to their own. He just keeps throwing up these barriers at me about why we can't do this but I genuinely can't continue like this nothing in changes we go round in circles. He gaslights me and turns every argument into how I'm picking on him when I have a legitimate reason to be upset. He's told me things apparently wellbeing services have told him but when I've asked them they've said its completely untrue and tbf what he says sounds far fetched/ b.s but I can't question him because he will just keep elaborating it until I give up like the earings for example. There's a lot more too it but this is just the recent saga anyway I know this is the right choice but I feel awful and guilty like I'm forcing him out . Please tell me I'm doing the right thing because I feel lower then low. :(
Also sorry for the t.m.i and long post.
Hi Adele,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for reaching out and sharing with us. Sending you a big hug this evening.
Adele, what you have described is abusive behaviour from your partner and you deserve so much better. You've described that he has shouted at you, thrown things at you and said thing that 'I find that really humiliating' . You have been really brave in standing firm and insisting on a separation. Can I check he has left your home and you are safe?
Adele, we have a partnership with Woman's Aid and I'm going to ask my Woman's Aid Colleague to drop by and offer support to you. In the meantime, you can contact them for advice and they offer a chat service. Here's the link: I need help - information and support on domestic abuse (womensaid.org.uk) . Or you can contact the Refuge who have a 24 hour helpline on this number: 0808 2000 27.
Hopefully some of our community will be along soon to offer support but in the meantime, please come back to us if you want to chat some more.
Take care
Catherine
Hi Adele,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for reaching out and sharing with us. Sending you a big hug this evening.
Adele, what you have described is abusive behaviour from your partner and you deserve so much better. You've described that he has shouted at you, thrown things at you and said thing that 'I find that really humiliating' . You have been really brave in standing firm and insisting on a separation. Can I check he has left your home and you are safe?
Adele, we have a partnership with Woman's Aid and I'm going to ask my Woman's Aid Colleague to drop by and offer support to you. In the meantime, you can contact them for advice and they offer a chat service. Here's the link: I need help - information and support on domestic abuse (womensaid.org.uk) . Or you can contact the Refuge who have a 24 hour helpline on this number: 0808 2000 27.
Hopefully some of our community will be along soon to offer support but in the meantime, please come back to us if you want to chat some more.
Take care
Catherine
Thanks for your reply.
I know it is but but as I said whenever I call him out on stuff he just puts it back onto me because I'm picking on him? But I think I'm behaving in a relatively normal way i will make comments when I'm frustrated and he's not really helping me . I ask for help or ask him to cut down drinking/ behaviour that's strange etc. He's still here . He has nowhere to go and as I said he makes me feel guilty for making him homeless. He does seem to take on board I'm serious but not done anything really about finding anywhere. I asked my family support worker for advice and she's coming back tomorrow and Friday. He seems to vary between being upset with me qnd acting like nothings happened I'm so confused.
Hi Adele,
I'm Emma, I work alongside Catherine here at Netmums. Thank you for getting back to us with some more info. Sending you a big hug this morning, I can hear how upsetting and frustrating this situation is for you. Adele, from what you have described here and your previous posts regarding your relationship it sounds like you know you are doing the right thing here but are scared to make the initial move out of fear of the unknown and guilt your partner is putting on you.
Making the jump to end a relationship which you know is having a negative effect on your life may feel overwhelming but actually may feel like more of a relief when you make that move considering the heightened state you seem to be in constantly in your relationship with the conflicts, controlling behaviours and criticisms you find yourself facing day to day.
It sounds like your partner is trying everything to manipulate you into staying in this negative relationship Adele. Please take into consideration how strong you are being everyday. You sound like a wonderful, caring person who ultimately seems to be putting everyone's needs ahead of your own right now. It is time to think of your own wellbeing and needs and look after yourself Adele. We have published an article on our site with some guidance on support for single parents if you would like to take a look, Single parent advice - Netmums . Your partner is a grown man who looked after himself before you came into his life and will do so again afterwards. I'm glad your Family Support Worker is helping you right now.
Hopefully some of our other lovely community members will be along shortly too to share their own experiences and help Adele.
Take care of yourself,
Emma
Hi Adele,
I'm Emma, I work alongside Catherine here at Netmums. Thank you for getting back to us with some more info. Sending you a big hug this morning, I can hear how upsetting and frustrating this situation is for you. Adele, from what you have described here and your previous posts regarding your relationship it sounds like you know you are doing the right thing here but are scared to make the initial move out of fear of the unknown and guilt your partner is putting on you.
Making the jump to end a relationship which you know is having a negative effect on your life may feel overwhelming but actually may feel like more of a relief when you make that move considering the heightened state you seem to be in constantly in your relationship with the conflicts, controlling behaviours and criticisms you find yourself facing day to day.
It sounds like your partner is trying everything to manipulate you into staying in this negative relationship Adele. Please take into consideration how strong you are being everyday. You sound like a wonderful, caring person who ultimately seems to be putting everyone's needs ahead of your own right now. It is time to think of your own wellbeing and needs and look after yourself Adele. We have published an article on our site with some guidance on support for single parents if you would like to take a look, Single parent advice - Netmums . Your partner is a grown man who looked after himself before you came into his life and will do so again afterwards. I'm glad your Family Support Worker is helping you right now.
Hopefully some of our other lovely community members will be along shortly too to share their own experiences and help Adele.
Take care of yourself,
Emma
Hi thanks for replying
Family support worker came today and gave him options of temporary accommodation but hes just so angry at me . He says I'm making him homeless and just want him out. He can't seem to understand i need space and so does he because nothing ever changes when we are like this. The whole thing is to try and give him a chance to decide if he is willing to work to make things different but all he can see is me being the problem.
Bit of an update
Its been almost a week he still hasnt gone anywhere. He wants to move into my mums shared house with her friend which I've already told him I'm uncomfortable with . But also I have to ask her??
He spent Friday basically gas lighting me changing the conversation round to things that weren't said asking about private conversations with my family and friends and asked if I could answer without hiding anything. I said I was uncomfortable answering about private conversations and it was unreasonable to expect me to but he said he just wants to understand where my head is . But why should my private conversations be up for grabs? Subsequently he has said he was asleep a
So doesn't remember the whole conversation.
He told me yesterday as he was cutting down alcohol a separation wasn't necessary but I insisted it was. He just said he had realised this was a major problem which it is but he's also made this promise 50 times in last year it never holds. He got really angry with me when I insisted we still needed to separate at least temporarily and stormed off in the kitchen. I feel like he doesn't respect my feelings or boundaries and this is hardly making me want to reconcile things.
He just says when do you want me out when what I've tried to do is give him time to find somewhere to stay but I feel like he's going g to force things to the point I literally have to kick him out then he can blame me for making him homeless yet again.
He also keeps bringing the kids things how are they going to feel? Are they going to blame you..act out which is just super. I am completely emotionally and physically drained I have C.F.S and high anxiety stress can make me really unwell and I can't cope with this prolonged hell. I know things will not change if he stays . I don't think I'm being unreasonable in my request but I'm being demonised. Has anyone ever felt like literally giving up... :(
Bit of an update
Its been almost a week he still hasnt gone anywhere. He wants to move into my mums shared house with her friend which I've already told him I'm uncomfortable with . But also I have to ask her??
He spent Friday basically gas lighting me changing the conversation round to things that weren't said asking about private conversations with my family and friends and asked if I could answer without hiding anything. I said I was uncomfortable answering about private conversations and it was unreasonable to expect me to but he said he just wants to understand where my head is . But why should my private conversations be up for grabs? Subsequently he has said he was asleep a
So doesn't remember the whole conversation.
He told me yesterday as he was cutting down alcohol a separation wasn't necessary but I insisted it was. He just said he had realised this was a major problem which it is but he's also made this promise 50 times in last year it never holds. He got really angry with me when I insisted we still needed to separate at least temporarily and stormed off in the kitchen. I feel like he doesn't respect my feelings or boundaries and this is hardly making me want to reconcile things.
He just says when do you want me out when what I've tried to do is give him time to find somewhere to stay but I feel like he's going g to force things to the point I literally have to kick him out then he can blame me for making him homeless yet again.
He also keeps bringing the kids things how are they going to feel? Are they going to blame you..act out which is just super. I am completely emotionally and physically drained I have C.F.S and high anxiety stress can make me really unwell and I can't cope with this prolonged hell. I know things will not change if he stays . I don't think I'm being unreasonable in my request but I'm being demonised. Has anyone ever felt like literally giving up... :(
Hi Adele,
It's Emma again from the Netmums team. Thank you for letting us know how things are going for you since we last spoke. I can hear how drained you are emotionally and physically but please don't give up Adele, as you said, 'I know things will not change if he stays.' At least if you go through this short term upheaval it brings hope for the future, whereas if nothing changes it sounds like it will continue to be miserable for you and your children with light hope in sight.
Stay strong Adele, lean on friends and family at this time. Your partner is perfectly capable of finding his own accommodation which doesn't involve your family members. It's time to put the needs of you and your children first.
Wishing you strength at this time,
Take care,
Emma