To support partner through no contact with children
10 answers /
Last post: 16/04/2023 at 6:31 pm
I am looking for advice on how to support my partner, who's ex girlfriend has cut off contact with his two children, due to him being in a relationship.
The backstory is they broke up three years ago. Since then, he has consistently seen and paid directly for, their two children. He also has an adult daughter by someone else. He has an amazing relationship with this child, as well as always remaining amicable with her mum. He had shared custody of her growing up.
Around 14 months ago, we began dating and took things slow, getting to know each other well and generally building a healthy, honest relationship. After 9 months together, we discussed meeting each other's children; by this point I'd met his oldest daughter several times.
We arranged to take our younger children to a play barn two weeks from a certain date, both agreeing that his youngest childrens mum must agree, and giving her some time to ask any questions, contact me if she wished to etc. However, it didn't go well and she got extremely upset. Up until this point, my partner and his ex had continued to do an awful lot together, taking the kids out regularly together, putting them to bed in her house, and so on. My partner had tried for over 18 months to rekindle their relationship, but she was always adamant it could never be saved.
Fast forward to him asking permission for me to meet them, the answer was a firm no and she wanted to get back together. He declined and she began messaging me stirring a pot of lies basically. It put a massive strain on us and for two months we took a break. I really struggled with the constant messaging and slander. It took me by surprise, as she seemed like such a middle class, homely, well rounded woman. I did understand her being upset the thought of someone coming into the lives of their children, but the reaction was quite extreme.
Moving on, my partner and I have rekindled our relationship, and really got back to a great place. Unfortunately, his ex has caught wind of this and has now stated he has been physically violent towards her, and that his children no longer wish to see him (they are 5 and 8). She has blocked all forms of contact, telling people he is harassing her. I really didn't think it would continue, but it has gotten so much worse. He has now not been allowed to see his children for two months. She has done so much out of spite, and it has really mentally impacted on him.
It has come to the point I feel that I must end things, as if I am the problem. It is so upsetting to see him in the state he is. He's been off work sick and cries himself to sleep some nights. I always make time to listen to him, don't push him to talk unless he brings it up. He's got details of a mediator now, which has given a glimmer of hope I suppose, but I really am hurting for him and just want to support him without being too much, not enough, too pushy and so forth.
I've never been in this situation before, and really just want to help in some way because it is heartbreaking to see. If anyone has been in this situation, please leave some helpful advice. It really would be appreciated.
Thank you x
Hi Sara,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Sara,
I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you gentle hugs this morning, I can hear how upsetting this is for you to see the man you love go through this upset when it feels you are at a lose end how to support him right now.
It's great that your partner has a mediator involved now and hopefully that will be a huge step in the right direction for some positive communication between him and his ex. Family Action are another wonderful free service which aims to help whole families resolve issues together for the benefit of all involved if you would like to connect with them, even for your own wellbeing right now Sara. Family Action, Building stronger families (family-action.org.uk)
I know it must feel like the only option is to end things but your partner would be in this situation with yourself or down the line if he was to find himself in another relationship so ultimately it doesn't seem like the resolution, only a short term fix to what needs to be resolved between them so he can have a relationship with his children.
Just by being there for him you are probably doing more than you know to help him right now. When we can't do anything to control the situation we are in, it is important to lean out to others for support. Talk to friends and family members so you feel supported during this difficult time Sara and hopefully some of our other lovely community members will be along shortly too to share their own experiences.
Take care,
Emma
Hi Sara,
I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you gentle hugs this morning, I can hear how upsetting this is for you to see the man you love go through this upset when it feels you are at a lose end how to support him right now.
It's great that your partner has a mediator involved now and hopefully that will be a huge step in the right direction for some positive communication between him and his ex. Family Action are another wonderful free service which aims to help whole families resolve issues together for the benefit of all involved if you would like to connect with them, even for your own wellbeing right now Sara. Family Action, Building stronger families (family-action.org.uk)
I know it must feel like the only option is to end things but your partner would be in this situation with yourself or down the line if he was to find himself in another relationship so ultimately it doesn't seem like the resolution, only a short term fix to what needs to be resolved between them so he can have a relationship with his children.
Just by being there for him you are probably doing more than you know to help him right now. When we can't do anything to control the situation we are in, it is important to lean out to others for support. Talk to friends and family members so you feel supported during this difficult time Sara and hopefully some of our other lovely community members will be along shortly too to share their own experiences.
Take care,
Emma
Thank you for that Emma, I'll take a look at their website. Any suggestions of similar charities are gratefully received. The mediator has stated as long as his ex doesn't report the apparent assault to the police, he'll be able to go through mediation, should his ex agree to do so. I'm not too hopeful though.
It angers me so much that people behave this way, as there are so many mums and dads out there who have been in genuine, horrific situations, and it adds to the stigmas that are so apparent in society.
I shall continue to listen when he wants to talk, and just be there when I can in general.
You're right, it's not personal about me, it would be whoever he got with and settled down with. There is some bitterness there, as he had a gambling problem when they were together. He has since been for counselling and put it all behind him, one of her comments were that he'd fix himself for me, but not for her. It was never about fixing himself for either of us, he did this before we got together off his own back. I'm sure the competition will continue in varying forms in due course. She has even got the girls to say they're afraid of their dad, this has broken him.
Hes sounds like a lovely man and father and his ex sounds bitter like she didn't want him until he had someone else so she doesn't want him but no one else can have him!! What she is doing is so unfair on the children I had a similar thing when I was single 13 years ago his younger kids were excited to meet me etc but the 15yr old was a nightmare then the ex got involved and slated me to the kids and threatened to stop him seeing them so we ended it and he git back with her but he was never happy again and from what I've heard she continued like this for years saying she didn't want him then when he met someone using the kids against him some women are just like that!! The best way forward is to do it formally if she's being so unreasonable and making things up about your partner!! Not only is it upsetting for you and him it's upsetting for his kids to not be seeing their daddy!!
Women like this won’t stop until their power is taken away. She won’t let him see the kids which I appreciate must be absolutely heartbreaking but it is what it is. It’s this or her dictating his life to him for the next 15 years. women like this make my blood boil, playing stupid games with other peoples lives, stupid b!tch. Take it through the courts, take her power away. Do not give in to this pathetic excuse for a woman and allow her to destroy your relationship if ur happy together.
I am so grateful for your comments, thank you.
Unfortunately, this does seem to be an uncommon thing for many dads. Very sad, and emotionally damaging for many involved.
I will keep your advice in mind, and use it when needed. It's so difficult to stay within boundaries when someone so undeserving is treated so unfairly.
I appreciate your time. Thank you again.
I am so grateful for your comments, thank you.
Unfortunately, this does seem to be an uncommon thing for many dads. Very sad, and emotionally damaging for many involved.
I will keep your advice in mind, and use it when needed. It's so difficult to stay within boundaries when someone so undeserving is treated so unfairly.
I appreciate your time. Thank you again.
Hello - I have been there!
My partner and his ex split up when their son was a baby - we got together when son was 7.
she immediately stopped contact even though he saw him 3 times per week.
These women are narcissists.
Apply for contact through the family court. You do not need a solicitor you just pay court fees which are a couple of hundred pounds. We did it ourselves - no legal help and because of her behaviour we actually have his now 14 year old with us 70% of the time.
keep all text messages and print them off for court. Go total grey rock with her. Give her no ammo.
my partners ex still attempts to control certain aspects of our life but she is literally ignored even when she’s email insults and threats she is met with pure silence!
I have several pieces of advice:
- Document everything. Start a note book, keep a written record of every interaction, save everything she writes. Create a printed, dated record. This is called 'contemporaneous notes' and is admissible in court.
- Tell NO ONE except your solicitor you are keeping this record. No one ... you don't want her to know about it and someone will tell her.
- Make sure he says nothing ever to her in anger or unkindness. There must be no record of him behaving poorly, and this is most easily achieved by him never treating her badly no matter what.
- Keep all communications in writing as far as possible.
- Go immediately for medication and then a court order. Unreasonable people do not start behaving reasonably. The mediator can testify in court, make sure the mediator says you are always reasonable and calm.
- Say nothing to the children negative about their mother. Ever.
I've advised him not to speak with her and keep communication as a paper trail, but she has blocked him and will only unblock him to phone him. In messages she sends to his family, she stated how the children are scared of him. She has blocked me on social media also.
He's meeting with a mediator next week to draw up a document. Hopefully, this will help things along. She gets her friends to call and give him grief, so he no longer answers the phone to them. She's really put him through the mill.
I will advise him if everything you've all been good enough to suggest. Thank you all.