Husband left for another women crisis

Hi Natalie,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - Unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need

Thank you

Hi Natalie

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for reaching out - sending you a big hug this morning. It sounds as if your husband's behaviour has left you feeling really hurt and shocked, is that right Natalie? Have you been able to reach out to any friends or family for support?

Would you consider linking in with some counselling for you Natalie to chat through how you are feeling? I'm going to link the RELATE website - they offer lots of different counselling options, including individual and I wonder if it might be helpful to chat to someone neutral to work out what it is that you want and need? Here is the link: Counselling services | Relate

How is your 10 year managing with the changes? Have you been able to chat to them about what is going on? I'll link an Netmums' article that might be a useful read Helping Your Child Through A Separation Or Divorce - Netmums

Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please come back to us if you want to chat some more.

Take care

Catherine

Hello Catherine.

Thank you the reply. I have been signed off with work and the doctor has given me some links to counselling but I will look at the website you have linked as might help me process what is happening.

Although he has moved in with his other women and he 12 year old son, he has now told me if has found a flat to rent as he is not allowed to take my daughter to this women's house so comes here to see twice a week. I'm not sure if it is true but he has told me of some stuff he wants from the house and has starting taking things.

Both me and my daughter are so shocked by his behaviour he used to be such a kind and generous man and now has turned cold towards me and only messages my daughter every other day on her ipad. My family who loved him as if he was there son are disguted with how he is talking to me let alone the fact he has moved in with someone else.

My daughter knows everything as she is extremely switched on and he hasn't tried to hide where is currently living. She hates him at the moment and I can't see how this will work out well in the long run.

Stupidly I still love him and want all this to stop but I can see how happy he is with his new girlfriend and family life whilst he just sit on the sidelines

Xx

Hi, I'm sorry your going through this.

Sometimes when someone dies you realise how short life is and make that big change you've always wanted to. It's not about having a crisis or anything, maybe as he said your relationship hasn't been quite right for a while he's decided he needs to find happiness. Wether that be lust with this female colleague or actuall relationship material. Either way you have to try and get help to move on unfortunately. Focus in your child and give her the best life :-)

Yes I agree, his mum's death has definatley been a factor. It's hurts even more the fact I supported him so much when she was dying and looked after his dad aswell and then to be thrown away like a piece of rubbish. I am trying to worried about my daughter only but it's so hard when he was the bread winner and the divorce will hit me so hard I don't know what my future holds. Xx

Is my maths saying that you got married after finding out about the baby whilst he was busy chatting to another woman?

No we already had a baby ang had the wedding and then he started talking to her after our wedding.

Hi Natalie,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can hear how painful this is for you & your daughter.

I could give you all the advice in the world but really none of it would be any use right now as all you can do is get yourself through each day.

I think most people would say the same things, and it's all so generic, but that's because that's how it is, it's just time. With time it will get better, you will be better off without him, find new hobbies - maybe things that will get you out meeting new people (not a new partner) begin to build your life as an "I" "me" rather than the "we" you have been for all those years.

It sounds like you have a good network of family & friends that can carry you through this, so do use them for support.

Do use the counselling services, if you do start counselling and it feels like it isn't working don't give up, ask to try another counsellor - it's about finding the right fit for you.

I think any counsellor will begin at getting you to think less about him, I mean in the way of you wondering why he is "acting out of character" questioning "why did this happen, why did he do it?" and get you to focus your energy on just yourself & your daughter & building yourselves back up.

You will have lots of questions that you will never know the answers to he may one day give you some reason (excuse) especially if things don't work out with this other woman.

This is what brings me to your question, "has anyone had something similar happen, what was the outcome?" From experience I'd say something to be emotionally prepared for is this.....

Now this may never happen he could well love this other woman & they could become a long term couple, but what this is, is him playing the pity card - turning it around so he is the victim. He will be wanting to make you feel sorry for him, in the hope you take him back. From reading this you've already given him an excuse for his behaviour, which he would likely use (I don't mean you've said this, but in that he will know you well enough to know this angle could work) the grief of losing his mum (so his behaviour is excused) you had both drifted apart, you hadn't been giving him the attention he needed for a while, he'd been thinking you didn't find him attractive anymore, he had started to lose weight to get you to fancy him again, but it didn't work, he thought you maybe didn't love him anymore (putting the blame at your door), so he turned to her for support, she took advantage when he was at a low & weak point in his life (putting the blame at her door) he doesn't know why he did it, why he couldn't say no to her, he was confused, he was low not thinking straight, he was "not acting himself" (he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions)

Unfortunately it sounds like you have issues with other things outside the emotional difficulty, which is his contributions/maintenance, I'd say to start, sit with a friend, come to a realistic amount of maintenance, put this to him & if he won't amicably agree to this then don't delay going down the official avenues.

Take care of yourself, do lots of things you & your daughter enjoy, be with your friends & family, be kind to yourself, allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of your relationship. Our children are surprisingly resilient & as long as you are ok, she will be too.

Sending you some (((hugs))) x

Hello Marie.

Thank you for replying to me.

He has already told me he is in love with her and has always had something for her over the last 10 years. This hurt like hell but I'm not surprised. He told me he loved me within a few weeks of us getting together so he definitely falls in love quickly. Maybe he falls as quickly out of it aswell.

We have had so any arguments over the last few weeks and qith solicitors involved as he doenat want to help woth the bills at the house as he has now said he is moving into a flat. I asked why if he is happily living with her and he said as I wont let my daughter go there.

He is right I won't but she also doesn't want to as she knows her Dad left for another family as he didn't hide it.

Whether this is the real reason i don't know but i think so.

He has started to remove stuff from our house and wants to take the bbq. I said no as that isn't going to your flat its going to her house.. its a massive expensive one.

He just seems to wnat to hurt me mire each day. He is treating like a stranger which hurts most as we were so close and I did di much for him. He never talks to me apart from to shout and seems to think I'm being a ***** about the money.

The emotional attachment to the other women is the worse as I have always supported him in everything and now he hates me.

I'm trying to sta positive and yes have lots of great support. It's just so hard being rejected in such a mean way as if I never mattered to him at all.

Xx

This happened with my ex husband. Lots of people tried to convince me that he was having some sort of breakdown. He wasn’t, he just wanted the care free life and this new woman. It was awful, he walked away one night and disappeared to her house and we didn’t know that. I had a nine month old baby and a two year old. Now I’m grateful that we aren’t together as we couldn’t be more different and my husband now treats me so well. But I wish he hadn’t done it like he had. My point is that he is treating you appallingly and especially as the mother of his child. Let him go. You do not deserve this one bit.

Hi Maxine. Did he end up staying with this nee women? Do you have a relationship with him at all for the kids?. I know I don't deserve any of this but its still very hard. X

He did yes, he is still with her. It’s only been a few years though. She’s done similar before so it might not be forever. It’s been very hard as they’ve made it very difficult on occasions and he doesn’t put my children first but we do try and get on for the children now. But it’s taken a long time. Thankfully my new husband is helping me recover. You deserve someone like that! But I know it’s heart wrenching at the time, I felt like I’d literally been hit by a bus. Sending love x

Glad you found a new husband who treats you well. I feel the same barely functioning some days. I hope I have a happy ending at some point. All I'm after now is a heartfelt apology but I doubt I will get one xx