Am I Being Controlling or Over the Top?

If things have escalated can they be brought back to normal? I totally get why you feel if she's lied about something so serious how can you trust her with your baby. It's difficult as it would have been great to have you mother mind her own grandchild but I think I'd feel the same as you.

sorry to hear of this painful issue .

Despite your best efforts your mum clearly feels attacked .I don’t think because she lied over her drinking it would follow that she could lie about anything else in regard to your baby.

In fact she probably lied about her drinking so you wouldn’t lose trust in her to babysit and it backfired.

if you don’t have worries about her present levels of drinking and she clearly is able to care well for your child, then I think you can ignore the lie.Lying about how much she drinks isn’t affecting her as a grand mum -as in her ability to care .Sit down with her and discuss how and why you are worried ,letting her know (again) that it’s up to her if she wants to have a drink but not when she’s babysitting .personally I think thr lie she told isn’t big enough to warrant a family rift and the sooner it’s solved the better .But only if she agrees not to drink when babysitting .hope that helps

Can you be certain that she wouldn't drink or be badly hungover whilst looking after the baby? Has she drunk during the day before ?. It's not clear from the post the extent of her drinking problem but that would be my worry if she was a high functioning alcoholic and she didn't think it affected her ability, ..

I dont think your being over the top and whilst I appreciate it's a really difficult situation to deal with, and she's bound to feel bad I don't think you should let emotions affect what you decide to do

All you can do is apologise to her if she was offended. However, if she was going to be caring for your child then you have every right to feel how you feel. It can either be that she’s offended because she has regrets about that period of her life and feels ashamed or she is defensive because she knows she’s been lying. If she isn’t willing to accept your apology you may just have to leave her alone and give her time to sort her emotions.

Sounds like she’s responded maliciously and ironically in a controlling fashion.

I take heart that you are reaching out for advice ahead of your wife - you’ve got your head screwed on and all concerns for your family in the right place. I’d continue to follow my instincts if I were you because this (really if you look at it objectively) is just about boundaries and she’s violated trust and now corralling others to gain support in the face of her misdemeanour, thereby making you and your family the scapegoats and her not responsible for her behaviours.

I wouldn’t say hurting her feelings is where your focus needs to be. Stick to your boundaries, find alternative childcare and rebuild your relationship with your mother over time without the baby factor.

She’s made her bed. In no book on alcoholism does it say incorporate childcare to assist recovery. You’re absolutely doing the right thing and not being over the top. Thank goodness for fathers like you 🙏

You aren’t controlling or over the top at all. This is your child’s welfare. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t leave the child at a child minders who you knew to have drink issues or a nursery where the staff drink on the job, so why shouldn’t you have confronted her about this? Because she’s your Mum? Rubbish. Nothing is more important than your child, if she doesn’t like it then tough. She should be pleased she’s raised a son who’s willing to speak out when something isn’t right and if others can’t see that then that’s their lookout. I hope you get things sorted out for the best but you have absolutely nothing whatsoever to question about your own actions in this.

No. I have personal experience with alcoholics in my family and please don’t take the risk. An alcoholic who is lying to you demonstrates she cannot be trusted with a baby- if ANYTHING were to happen when your baby was in her care it would be awful. You can’t sugar coat this, your child’s safety comes first before anything- before your relationship with her/any other family and it definitely comes before her feelings. If she wants to alienate herself that’s on her

She has proven that she can’t be trusted and the risk is definitely higher with an alcoholic, it’s not worth the risk please don’t chance it. The potential consequences don’t bear thinking about

Hi Neil

This is the problem - you believed what she was telling you about not drinking and not missing it, only to find out that she was still drinking... How are you supposed to believe what she tells you now? Incidentally, did you find this out or yourself or did she tell this?

I was under the impression that it is not possible to "manage" a drink problem with just occasionally having a drink, because that may be one step on the "slippery slope", so to speak. Giving up alcohol means giving it up entirely.

Yes, your child's safety is the priority here. You know now that your mother is prepared to lie to you if it means she can have things on her terms. You have made it clear to her that this is not acceptable to you: she does not seem prepared to take responsibility for this and chooses to involve other members of your family. I would suggest making other arrangements for your child's care and not discussing it with her again.

Best wishes.