Sexless marriage but perfect life, what do I do?

Have you considered talking to a sex therapist, either alone or with your husband? They could help you understand why this has happened, and help you put in measures to improve things.

If you look at the COSRT website you'll find a list of qualified, experienced, ethical psychosexual therapists who may be able to help.

Good luck.

Hi Ffi

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - maternal mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Fifi,

I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. I understand right now you have doubts about the way your relationship may continue but it sounds like you both wanted this pregnancy and will do an amazing job raising your three children.

I can hear how upsetting the lack of a sexual relationship is for you Fifi. This is unfortunately a very common issue couples find them selves in. We often get so bogged down in the day to day duties we leave little time for re-connection and self care.

You mentioned you suffer with anxiety and depression, I wonder Fifi, do you get any time for yourself and your own needs? It is really important to make space for our own wellbeing so we can feel good about ourselves first before attempting to reach out and re-connect with others.

You mentioned, 'When he does identify an issue, even if that issue disappears, nothing changes. I have nothing constructive to work with.' I can understand how this leaves you in the dark with nothing to work with, often both partners can feel a little lost on how to rekindle that excitement having been together so long. A great couples Therapist John Gottman once wrote about the only difference between couples who have a good sex life and those who do not is commitment . Those happy with their sex life make it a priority instead of the last thing to do after all of their other daily duties, which is sounds like your partner is doing instead of really taking your needs on board.

It's also useful not to focus on sex itself or frequency but instead focus on the issue of desire, intimacy and eroticism. We can force ourselves to have sex but we cannot force ourselves to want it or our partner. When we focus on connection and desire we take the pressure away from the act of sex itself and can re-install some fun back into our relationship. Another couples therapist Esther Perel writes a lot about this also, her book 'Mating in Captivity.' has some wonderful insight how we cannot expect excitement and security from the same relationship as security in essence removes this newness and fun but she details how to keep hold of this in a relationship if you would like to take a look I'll link some info about it here, 7 Lessons I Learned About Relationships From Esther Perel When She Spoke at Mindvalley’s A-Fest

You sound like you have a wonderful relationship full of love and care, you mentioned how your 'friendship is great and we spend alot of time together.' which is incredible and great foundations for being able to build an intimate connection again. Have you considered a couples counsellor Fifi if your partner is willing? I wonder if he really understands just how much this affects you, if he does he may be willing to attend and make more of an effort to improve things in this area. If you can carve out some time together away from the farm and your children to really talk about this and discuss how you want to re-build the lost connection and intimacy it may really help to start the process.

Hopefully some of our other lovely community will be along shortly to share their own experiences also as I know this is an issue many of our members can relate to.

Do come back and chat some more if we can help any further Fifi.

Best wishes,

Emma

Hello.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, that's lovely news.

Secondly I have been in a similar position. I was sexually abused in my first marriage and now have been with my new partner for 4 and a half years.

We went through a very difficult "dry" spell last year. He is affectionate and we cuddle during the day but he just couldn't seem to have any enthusiasiam for sexy times no matter what.

In my partner's case there is a clear medical issue that is the main reason but we've talked many times about how it's the lack of intimacy really got to me.

We have managed to work through things and although not at the stage of having full penatrative sex we seem to have regained our intimacy which gives me hope for the future.

I think your pregnancy may be also magnifying the issue right now. You need to feel loved, appreciated and desired.

Communication is key. Try to keep it light and not critical but open.

I wish you all the best xxx

Hi,

congratulations on your pregnancy!

I’m sorry to hear about your previous relationship, it sounds like it’s had a real negative impact on your thoughts.

I can’t offer advice but as an outside view I wouldn’t count twice a month as a sexless marriage, especially considering all you have going on with children, a farm and working full time, you must both be exhausted! I’d say that’s pretty good going! Maybe if you could get some help with the children and the farm you could take a baby moon just to reconnect and give you the boost you need.

Also when you first started talking about the age gap, saying you were young and he was older I was expecting you to say 20+ years. I don’t think 8 is a significant age difference, especially if he is the older. You would be the same generation.

I wouldn’t leave him, I think you could possibly benefit from some counselling around your previous relationship, to help you with the trauma x

Hiya OP, it actually sounds like you are evoth really really busy and you have a slightly higher set drive than your husband, combined with pregnancy hormones its making you feel pretty rejected sexually. Please do not worry it sounds quite like a normal happy loving marriage. You still have set just not as often as you'd like. Please try not to worry xx

To be completely and bluntly honest, i think twice a month is actually quite decent for a couple with 2 kids and full time jobs but maybe those are my lower standards! I'm exhausted most of the time so I can't really imagine at this point in my having the time or energy to do it more. However having said that if it's bothering you then your feelings are valid. Maybe try talking to a sex or relationship counsellor. It sounds like everything else is great so worth trying.

Having been in a similar situation to you in your first marriage, I think it’s possible that aside from enjoying healthy sex with your now husband you also have issues with sex being used as a weapon, if you didn’t oblige he would cheat, he was also abusive to you so psychological you are seeking reassurance that your husband finds you attractive - I am by no means, saying this is your issue.

I think in many ways you’ve answered your own question in that you’re both very busy with your farm your children and indeed with life and you are pregnant so hormones are all over the place (again not a criticism) but I think you are putting a lot of thought into a situation that once your third child arrives may well change the dynamics all over again.

If I were you I would seek reassurance with intimacy that doesn’t have to be full on sex, and after the birth see how things go.

I rather think that you are seeing outcomes that are potentially a long way off with many steps in between.

I don’t know your age but you say your husband is 8 years older could he possibly be have ED issues?

There is stuff to think about and address but right now I think you would be wise to work with what you have and enjoy the life you live and see how things are when the new baby arrives.

Congratulations on your baby!

I wouldn’t class once or twice a month sexless at all. We go months due to tiredness, kids who co sleep with me etc. and it’s not an issue for us.

however if that is your sex drive and this arrangement doesn’t suit you then I think counseling either alone or together may help. It sounds like some of the insecurities due to your first marriage are still affecting you.

there is a lot to lose if you don’t at least try counseling or other types of support.

hope you find a solution for you both

Hi

I don't agree with people saying "see how it goes" or "appreciate what you have". It won't improve without something being done because he is perfectly happy with the situation. I am in your situation but a number of years down the road. Basically happy, grown up kids, he is older than me (similar gap to yours), husband is a lovely person and my friend, couldn't afford our lifestyle if apart, no sex. And I mean none, for at least 5 years now.

On the surface my life is fine. But I am so, so resentful that he has basically forced me into a life of abstinence which I do not want. It seems so petty when most other aspects are fine and that some people have much worse problems. But I hate it. It affects how I feel about him and about our whole marriage.

If I tackle him, he just says he isn't really interested anymore. He has ED but doesn't even attempt any different intimacy that might satisfy me. He just looks miserable and says "I know I'm useless in that department". What can I do? He won't consider counselling. Basically I think that he only thinks about it when I try to talk about it and otherwise he puts it conveniently out of mind. Sometimes I can do this for a while as well. Other times I absolutely seethe.

You are younger than I am and I think I won't ever get anywhere with this now. I have no answers for you except to say I HEAR YOU sister, and to say that if you don't do something, nothing will get done.

I am sorry, It is miserable. It affects your whole self worth as a woman. I get you. xx

He sounds amazingly normal so yes maybe it's your issue because you associated it with security.

If there is therapy definitely get it. That is not a sexless marriage. He sounds wonderful. Don't let your issue break this.

Also consider how many loving couples express and share intimacy, focus on the little touches and gestures to keep you feeling close. Sex is not just penetration.

I think this is the perfect answer. 😊

Just wanted to say a thank you everyone, it's made me feel so much better hearing this is more normal than I thought!!

Alot of my friends don't have children, busy life styles yet so they always say 3/5 times a week which I think perhaps has made me feel it's not normal!!

I think knowing that has put less pressure on, and will help me move forward.

I think I agree it's a me issue more than him and il explore settling my own ideologies of what is normal first!