Sons gf -princess attitude causing me worry - Page: 2

25 answers /

Last post: 17/04/2023 at 6:04 am

LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:39 am
In answer to
Ama M(3)

If I were you, I would be more careful before intruding more in their relationship. Your son is old enough to know what he wants and if he wants the relationship, and believe me if word goes to the girlfriend that you are intruding, if they marry later and have a family of their own, you will not really be welcomed.


They are young and trying to live their life and find their way, you did your best raising your son, now it's time to lay back, not what you see when you are over is what happens all the time, and you are out of the relationship and what is your son gaining in it, so don't trouble it.


I have a MIL that wants to intrude into everything, whatever I do is not enough for her "baby boy". We are now 8 years together, moved abroad together and have 2 kids and we barely see her as she made my life hell with her intruding to the point that I had depression and anxiety and it took me two years not seeing her to get over it. And it was her son's idea to move abroad to save everything. Since then we got back the peaceful relationship we used to have.


I will tell you another side of the story which has had similar arguments.


We were engaged, living together, he was winning 3 times more than I, we were saving his full salary to make a down payment for a house together, I was still winning a good salary and I was paying all our living expenses and fun things and going outs, my husband was using the second card to my salary account to even go out with her and she still felt the need to interfere on how we spent the money I was winning, saying I didn't know a thing on saving money and that her son was getting so tired to win those money. And even though it was explained again and again how the situation was, she didn't believe it and continued interfering to the point I was avoiding going out with her because she was insisting I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu while her baby could have the most expensive as he was getting so tired to win those money(actually my money and I always have had this thing to give him the best part of anything and have less for myself, because that is my love language, but she was out of the relationship and didn't know this). If she ever saw my husband touch a thing at home she was running to tell him to leave it for me because he was doing too much, while on her eyes I was lazy and doing nothing. What she really saw was a partner trying to do more when his family was around so he wouldn't leave all the load to me, as he saw it unfair that I had to do more while it was his family that was around. I was doing whole week more than he as he had more commuting than I and when he came home he was dead tired. And she said he was tired because he was doing more at home, because she was not there to see our everyday, and when she saw she still was talking rubbish about me to my husband, have heard it with my own ears.


And the person she called lazy and that was keeping her son back, is now winning more than her son, we are growing 2 kids in a foreign country without any support and while my husband is supporting a lot at home, I am taking them sports, playdates, organizing everything for them and doing most of the cooking.


Your son loves you and wants to have a nice relationship with you, but if he really loves her, and if she is giving him what his heart really wants, then you will be the one to lose, you will be kept away so they can keep their peace.


Be gentle and understanding, if it was your daughter that had a loving and supportive partner, you would be happy for her and not go and tell her partner that he is doing more than her.

Thanks very much for your opinion..it’s given me food thought.so sorry to hear about your MIL .I would never go that fer she sounds crazy and possessive.I had a similar MIL which is why I bite my lip over his gf.Actuallly she travels so often that mostly she’s not even there when I go, so that’s another worry if she would be a mum ..lol

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LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:42 am
In answer to
Loraine N(4)

Hi LeighH,


I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.


Thank you for posting on Netmums and sharing your concerns so openly - hopefully, some of our lovely community will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you.


In the meantime, it can be so difficult to watch our children grow up and (as we see it), make their own mistakes when all we want to do instinctively is to protect them from anything going wrong in their lives - but that is exactly what we have to do to allow them to grow as individuals and develop their own relationships.


You said: 'I’ve talked with him about the business not being viable but he is in denial. He is also in denial about being chief cook n bottle washer even tho he admitted when he came home he wanted a rest from cooking'. - I'm wondering whether he is in actual denial or whether he just sees thing differently to you Leigh? Could he be happy with the domestic arrangements at home? Have you considered what happens when you're not there?


If he is in denial and acting defensively, then sometimes it's worth considering how you approached the conversation. If for example, you tell him you're a bit worried about how much he's taking on as opposed to perhaps inferring that he's being taken advantage of, you may get 2 completely different responses - does that make sense?


Relate have so many good tips and advice on their website about building family relationships including potential counselling sessions if you thought that would be appropriate.


You can access the relevant pages at: https://www.relate.org.uk/which-service-right-you


As parents all we can do is love our children, make sure they know we're there for them when they need us and guide them as much as we can, but as adults, it's their decision how they live their lives.


I hope things work out for all of you.


Loraine x


Thanks so much

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LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:45 am
In answer to
Vicky C(305)

Hi, I can understand your worry and unfortunately I have no advice to give as I am in the exact same situation with my son who is 26 and his gf and it is causing me lots of anxiety. I have had a quiet word with my son but it falls on deaf ears. Feel free to message if you need to talk.

Hi Vicky

oh poor you .actually now I think about it ,over the years many work colleagues have told me similar .It seems years ago women fought for their rights not to be oppressed on the home , but these millennials/gen z generation of females think that they can literally not cook or clean and are entitled ! It’s not right

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LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:48 am
In answer to
Sarah I(268)

Your son is old enough to make his own decisions and mistakes. You've voiced your opinion on his girlfriend and that is enough. These are life experiences that will help him with growth and so on. It may not last but it may do. Personally I don't see what the issue is with the gf going on holidays and so on. She is young etc and life is for living and making new experiences especially if she's not got children. I have 4 daughters myself, one who is 18,who I encourage to go out into the world and find herself, make good memories, learn about diff cultures. Aslong as your son and her are happy with their relationship I would recommend stepping aside. If your son has openly come to you for advice then advise. Other than that he is a full grown man now who has to make his own choices.

Thanks Sarah

i for west your saying .it’s just when the holidays are every month (they live in kiosk flights are cheaper ) and even so it’s costly .call me old fashioned but. I know they’re saving for a home but her trips are just excessive

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LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:50 am
In answer to
Louise R(700)

This is her son and she’s concerned he’s being a doormat to this princess. Would you sit back and not say anything if your daughters were being treated this way? Yes, he is a grown man but if she’s anything like me with my sons if I see something isn’t right I’ll speak up. There are ways to get things across that you don’t see as being right without interfering. Sometimes when people are in relationships they don’t see things clearly, it’s only when taking a step back or having it pointed out that things become clearer and if his own Mum can’t point things out for him, who can? I’m all for young women having their independence, finding themselves and not being treated like slaves as in bygone days but not to the cost of young men being treated this way instead.

Thanks Louise .exactly .young women need freedom and fun not like the by gone days.but men also need equal treatment in the home

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LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 7:03 am
In answer to
Jade L(298)

Hello ,

this sounds so toxic it’s unbelievable. Your son is a grown man and old enough to make his own decisions. God help his partner when he finally decides to have a child of his own because she will need a man not a manchild. Behaviour like this will hold your son back in life and he’s probably going to end up a single dad still living at home with his mum. What his partner does with her life is her choice and if I’m honest it sounds like you’re jealous. Maybe perhaps your partner made you feel restricted and you envy her life ? I think it’s lovely your son looks after her and you should try flip your perspective on it and see it as he is a caring person who looks after their partner other than making out he’s a doormat. If it was the other way round no one would bat an eyelid because it’s seen more like the woman’s job to do all of that. I think it’s refreshing to see a man take care of his partner and you should be proud he wants to do this instead of having such a nosey input on their relationship. Unless he’s in harm or being abused then leave them to it and take a leap back :-)

Yes my partner didn’t just a finger .that’s why I left him.I do t want my son to be similarly put on .how is that fair .plus I’m not being toxic caring for my son .I’ve never spoke to them about it so she had no idea -hence not toxic.try not to assume

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JADE L(298)
Jade L(298)
15/04/2023 at 8:01 am
In answer to
LeighH

Yes my partner didn’t just a finger .that’s why I left him.I do t want my son to be similarly put on .how is that fair .plus I’m not being toxic caring for my son .I’ve never spoke to them about it so she had no idea -hence not toxic.try not to assume

Sounds abit like jealousy then. The fact you’re calling your grown man of a son your baby seems toxic to me and especially having such an option on his relationship. He is an adult

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LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 9:22 am
In answer to
Jade L(298)

Sounds abit like jealousy then. The fact you’re calling your grown man of a son your baby seems toxic to me and especially having such an option on his relationship. He is an adult

What option on his relationship ?

all my kids are my babies .doesnt mean I call him that.that would be weird .my don left home at 19 he’s not a man child .

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SARAH I(268)
Sarah I(268)
15/04/2023 at 10:43 pm
In answer to
LeighH

Thanks Sarah

i for west your saying .it’s just when the holidays are every month (they live in kiosk flights are cheaper ) and even so it’s costly .call me old fashioned but. I know they’re saving for a home but her trips are just excessive

Sometimes it is because its a diff generation. There's no harm you showing concern at all. You love your son. Just unfortunately we have to let them learn their life lessons. It helps them learn to navigate relationships properly and have boundaries and so on. Positive thing is though that he talks to you and is open with you. Have you maybe thought about going out with his gf for a couple of hours alone having some women time and just having a general convo...seeing where she's at etc and so on. It might put your mind at ease if you get on a level with her. Plus build a bond too

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LEIGHH
LeighH
17/04/2023 at 6:04 am
In answer to
Michelle S(1956)

I understand she sounds very selfish and all for herself and enjoyment and doesn't think about how things affect your son. It's difficult because you don't want to seem like you're interfering in their relationship - maybe when having a general conversation with your son you could drop in your concerns and about how things seem one-sided.

Thanks Michelle

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