Sons gf -princess attitude causing me worry

25 answers /

Last post: 17/04/2023 at 6:04 am

LEIGHH
LeighH
10/04/2023 at 6:47 am

My DS is 25 but still “my baby “. His g f is similar age and they’ve been together a few years.She goes abroad many times per year for pleasure to see family /friends and when she’s at home she hardly lifts a finger .My son does cooking most nights plus after the meal he’s shopped for , prepared and cooked

she doesn’t jump up even to clear pots from table and deffo not to wash up.The house is grimy and whilst she does clean when they do it together I fear her major focus is on herself .she runs a self help therapy business which doesn’t bring in money and is basically an extension of her very busy social life .I’ve talked with him about the business not being viable but he is in denial .He is also in denial about being chief cook n bottle washer even tho he admitted when he came home he wanted a rest from cooking.They share finances but her trips and social life must eat away at their savings.

Im struck by how my sons self esteem seems to be being eroded.These days he often looks dishevelled despite being a professional.His g f of course looks like a ..princes.advice anyone ?

0
LORAINE N(4)
Loraine N(4)
11/04/2023 at 8:46 am

Hi LeighH,


I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.


Thank you for posting on Netmums and sharing your concerns so openly - hopefully, some of our lovely community will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you.


In the meantime, it can be so difficult to watch our children grow up and (as we see it), make their own mistakes when all we want to do instinctively is to protect them from anything going wrong in their lives - but that is exactly what we have to do to allow them to grow as individuals and develop their own relationships.


You said: 'I’ve talked with him about the business not being viable but he is in denial. He is also in denial about being chief cook n bottle washer even tho he admitted when he came home he wanted a rest from cooking'. - I'm wondering whether he is in actual denial or whether he just sees thing differently to you Leigh? Could he be happy with the domestic arrangements at home? Have you considered what happens when you're not there?


If he is in denial and acting defensively, then sometimes it's worth considering how you approached the conversation. If for example, you tell him you're a bit worried about how much he's taking on as opposed to perhaps inferring that he's being taken advantage of, you may get 2 completely different responses - does that make sense?


Relate have so many good tips and advice on their website about building family relationships including potential counselling sessions if you thought that would be appropriate.


You can access the relevant pages at: https://www.relate.org.uk/which-service-right-you


As parents all we can do is love our children, make sure they know we're there for them when they need us and guide them as much as we can, but as adults, it's their decision how they live their lives.


I hope things work out for all of you.


Loraine x


1
VICKY C(305)
Vicky C(305)
14/04/2023 at 11:24 am

Hi, I can understand your worry and unfortunately I have no advice to give as I am in the exact same situation with my son who is 26 and his gf and it is causing me lots of anxiety. I have had a quiet word with my son but it falls on deaf ears. Feel free to message if you need to talk.

0
SARAH I(268)
Sarah I(268)
14/04/2023 at 11:46 am

Your son is old enough to make his own decisions and mistakes. You've voiced your opinion on his girlfriend and that is enough. These are life experiences that will help him with growth and so on. It may not last but it may do. Personally I don't see what the issue is with the gf going on holidays and so on. She is young etc and life is for living and making new experiences especially if she's not got children. I have 4 daughters myself, one who is 18,who I encourage to go out into the world and find herself, make good memories, learn about diff cultures. Aslong as your son and her are happy with their relationship I would recommend stepping aside. If your son has openly come to you for advice then advise. Other than that he is a full grown man now who has to make his own choices.

2
LOUISE R(700)
Louise R(700)
14/04/2023 at 12:18 pm
In answer to
Sarah I(268)

Your son is old enough to make his own decisions and mistakes. You've voiced your opinion on his girlfriend and that is enough. These are life experiences that will help him with growth and so on. It may not last but it may do. Personally I don't see what the issue is with the gf going on holidays and so on. She is young etc and life is for living and making new experiences especially if she's not got children. I have 4 daughters myself, one who is 18,who I encourage to go out into the world and find herself, make good memories, learn about diff cultures. Aslong as your son and her are happy with their relationship I would recommend stepping aside. If your son has openly come to you for advice then advise. Other than that he is a full grown man now who has to make his own choices.

This is her son and she’s concerned he’s being a doormat to this princess. Would you sit back and not say anything if your daughters were being treated this way? Yes, he is a grown man but if she’s anything like me with my sons if I see something isn’t right I’ll speak up. There are ways to get things across that you don’t see as being right without interfering. Sometimes when people are in relationships they don’t see things clearly, it’s only when taking a step back or having it pointed out that things become clearer and if his own Mum can’t point things out for him, who can? I’m all for young women having their independence, finding themselves and not being treated like slaves as in bygone days but not to the cost of young men being treated this way instead.

2
SARAH I(268)
Sarah I(268)
14/04/2023 at 2:42 pm
In answer to
Louise R(700)

This is her son and she’s concerned he’s being a doormat to this princess. Would you sit back and not say anything if your daughters were being treated this way? Yes, he is a grown man but if she’s anything like me with my sons if I see something isn’t right I’ll speak up. There are ways to get things across that you don’t see as being right without interfering. Sometimes when people are in relationships they don’t see things clearly, it’s only when taking a step back or having it pointed out that things become clearer and if his own Mum can’t point things out for him, who can? I’m all for young women having their independence, finding themselves and not being treated like slaves as in bygone days but not to the cost of young men being treated this way instead.

I didn't say she could not say anything... It's normal to say something BUT he has made a choice to stay with the gf at the moment. There is nothing she can do other than sit back and let it run it's course and be there when he needs her. Of course it's not nice to see but again our children have to learn certain lessons on their own. Plus It is not fact that the girl is using all their finances to go on her trips either 'she must' is not fact. She has her own business etc and mum may not be being told everything as the gf has a side too. What I would do is encourage him to start doing more things for himself to make him feel good, go out with friends, weekends with the boys and see how the gf feels when he's also living his life and housework isn't done

1

Pssst!

Get the day’s best CHAT sent straight to your inbox

I have read and understood Netmums' Privacy Notice and Terms & Conditions

ELAINE E(116)
Elaine E(116)
14/04/2023 at 4:01 pm

She sounds a bit high maintenance but if he wants to be with her there's nothing you can really do. You say her trips must eat into their finances but it's not your business what she spends her money on as long as they are sharing the finances. (Sorry if that sounds blunt). Could it be his job that's making him looks dishevelled? Because cooking each night isn't a huge task, he could do easy meals sometimes. Ask him if he's happy, if nothing else it may make him question things but he will have to make the decision in his own time about staying with her long term.

0
JADE L(298)
Jade L(298)
14/04/2023 at 6:10 pm

Hello ,

this sounds so toxic it’s unbelievable. Your son is a grown man and old enough to make his own decisions. God help his partner when he finally decides to have a child of his own because she will need a man not a manchild. Behaviour like this will hold your son back in life and he’s probably going to end up a single dad still living at home with his mum. What his partner does with her life is her choice and if I’m honest it sounds like you’re jealous. Maybe perhaps your partner made you feel restricted and you envy her life ? I think it’s lovely your son looks after her and you should try flip your perspective on it and see it as he is a caring person who looks after their partner other than making out he’s a doormat. If it was the other way round no one would bat an eyelid because it’s seen more like the woman’s job to do all of that. I think it’s refreshing to see a man take care of his partner and you should be proud he wants to do this instead of having such a nosey input on their relationship. Unless he’s in harm or being abused then leave them to it and take a leap back :-)

2
AMA M(3)
Ama M(3)
14/04/2023 at 6:11 pm

If I were you, I would be more careful before intruding more in their relationship. Your son is old enough to know what he wants and if he wants the relationship, and believe me if word goes to the girlfriend that you are intruding, if they marry later and have a family of their own, you will not really be welcomed.


They are young and trying to live their life and find their way, you did your best raising your son, now it's time to lay back, not what you see when you are over is what happens all the time, and you are out of the relationship and what is your son gaining in it, so don't trouble it.


I have a MIL that wants to intrude into everything, whatever I do is not enough for her "baby boy". We are now 8 years together, moved abroad together and have 2 kids and we barely see her as she made my life hell with her intruding to the point that I had depression and anxiety and it took me two years not seeing her to get over it. And it was her son's idea to move abroad to save everything. Since then we got back the peaceful relationship we used to have.


I will tell you another side of the story which has had similar arguments.


We were engaged, living together, he was winning 3 times more than I, we were saving his full salary to make a down payment for a house together, I was still winning a good salary and I was paying all our living expenses and fun things and going outs, my husband was using the second card to my salary account to even go out with her and she still felt the need to interfere on how we spent the money I was winning, saying I didn't know a thing on saving money and that her son was getting so tired to win those money. And even though it was explained again and again how the situation was, she didn't believe it and continued interfering to the point I was avoiding going out with her because she was insisting I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu while her baby could have the most expensive as he was getting so tired to win those money(actually my money and I always have had this thing to give him the best part of anything and have less for myself, because that is my love language, but she was out of the relationship and didn't know this). If she ever saw my husband touch a thing at home she was running to tell him to leave it for me because he was doing too much, while on her eyes I was lazy and doing nothing. What she really saw was a partner trying to do more when his family was around so he wouldn't leave all the load to me, as he saw it unfair that I had to do more while it was his family that was around. I was doing whole week more than he as he had more commuting than I and when he came home he was dead tired. And she said he was tired because he was doing more at home, because she was not there to see our everyday, and when she saw she still was talking rubbish about me to my husband, have heard it with my own ears.


And the person she called lazy and that was keeping her son back, is now winning more than her son, we are growing 2 kids in a foreign country without any support and while my husband is supporting a lot at home, I am taking them sports, playdates, organizing everything for them and doing most of the cooking.


Your son loves you and wants to have a nice relationship with you, but if he really loves her, and if she is giving him what his heart really wants, then you will be the one to lose, you will be kept away so they can keep their peace.


Be gentle and understanding, if it was your daughter that had a loving and supportive partner, you would be happy for her and not go and tell her partner that he is doing more than her.

3
NATALIE E(55)
Natalie E(55)
14/04/2023 at 6:24 pm

This would worry me too if it were my son.


It almost sounds as though he's doing everything he can to hang on to her for fear she'll find someone else?? Do you think he feels as though he's 'punching' and almost lucky to have her?? If so, this would indicate that his self-esteem is pretty low.


Could you maybe have a gentle chat with him and explain your worries, without running her down/being negative about her, so he doesn't become defensive?

0
Can't find your answer?
MICHELLE S(1956)
Michelle S(1956)
14/04/2023 at 9:37 pm

I understand she sounds very selfish and all for herself and enjoyment and doesn't think about how things affect your son. It's difficult because you don't want to seem like you're interfering in their relationship - maybe when having a general conversation with your son you could drop in your concerns and about how things seem one-sided.

0
LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:24 am
In answer to
Loraine N(4)

Hi LeighH,


I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.


Thank you for posting on Netmums and sharing your concerns so openly - hopefully, some of our lovely community will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you.


In the meantime, it can be so difficult to watch our children grow up and (as we see it), make their own mistakes when all we want to do instinctively is to protect them from anything going wrong in their lives - but that is exactly what we have to do to allow them to grow as individuals and develop their own relationships.


You said: 'I’ve talked with him about the business not being viable but he is in denial. He is also in denial about being chief cook n bottle washer even tho he admitted when he came home he wanted a rest from cooking'. - I'm wondering whether he is in actual denial or whether he just sees thing differently to you Leigh? Could he be happy with the domestic arrangements at home? Have you considered what happens when you're not there?


If he is in denial and acting defensively, then sometimes it's worth considering how you approached the conversation. If for example, you tell him you're a bit worried about how much he's taking on as opposed to perhaps inferring that he's being taken advantage of, you may get 2 completely different responses - does that make sense?


Relate have so many good tips and advice on their website about building family relationships including potential counselling sessions if you thought that would be appropriate.


You can access the relevant pages at: https://www.relate.org.uk/which-service-right-you


As parents all we can do is love our children, make sure they know we're there for them when they need us and guide them as much as we can, but as adults, it's their decision how they live their lives.


I hope things work out for all of you.


Loraine x


Thanks so much Loraine -truly appreciated

0
LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:24 am
In answer to
Michelle S(1956)

I understand she sounds very selfish and all for herself and enjoyment and doesn't think about how things affect your son. It's difficult because you don't want to seem like you're interfering in their relationship - maybe when having a general conversation with your son you could drop in your concerns and about how things seem one-sided.

Thanks Michelle

0
LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:28 am
In answer to
Jade L(298)

Hello ,

this sounds so toxic it’s unbelievable. Your son is a grown man and old enough to make his own decisions. God help his partner when he finally decides to have a child of his own because she will need a man not a manchild. Behaviour like this will hold your son back in life and he’s probably going to end up a single dad still living at home with his mum. What his partner does with her life is her choice and if I’m honest it sounds like you’re jealous. Maybe perhaps your partner made you feel restricted and you envy her life ? I think it’s lovely your son looks after her and you should try flip your perspective on it and see it as he is a caring person who looks after their partner other than making out he’s a doormat. If it was the other way round no one would bat an eyelid because it’s seen more like the woman’s job to do all of that. I think it’s refreshing to see a man take care of his partner and you should be proud he wants to do this instead of having such a nosey input on their relationship. Unless he’s in harm or being abused then leave them to it and take a leap back :-)

Hi Jade


im truly not jealous .I adore my son and want what’s right for him.No I don’t think being unequal in a relationship is fair .in fact I’ve had words with my daughter over a similar unequal balance in her relationship with her bf.relationships should be nurtured by both sides .I actually like my sons gf as apart from her selfish ways she’s a very likeable person .I am a feminist and believe in equal rights .not men being putt down !!

0
LEIGHH
LeighH
15/04/2023 at 6:32 am
In answer to
Natalie E(55)

This would worry me too if it were my son.


It almost sounds as though he's doing everything he can to hang on to her for fear she'll find someone else?? Do you think he feels as though he's 'punching' and almost lucky to have her?? If so, this would indicate that his self-esteem is pretty low.


Could you maybe have a gentle chat with him and explain your worries, without running her down/being negative about her, so he doesn't become defensive?

Thanks so much Natalie .That may be the case about punching .Although he is very good looking and works on tv sometimes presenting on national tv so she regards him as a bit of a star! But tbh he’s quite scruffy in his appearance ( not in front of the camera fortunately) and that’s a sign of low self esteem isn’t it ? I do think he’s scared of being alone .he more or less told me that

0
1
2