It’s 6 years now since I’ve slept or smiled
7 answers /
Last post: 04/04/2023 at 2:45 pm
I’ve never been a dramatic person, but this morning, at 6am I burst into tears purely because my son spoke to me.
I have a serious chronic illness , I’m tired all the time , I’m in pain all the time and I’m alone apart from this boy. For all his beauty in this world he is an actual pain in the *****. He doesn’t sleep , not really , sometimes he’s still awake at midnight / 1am and still be up again at 5/6 am. He talks constantly , sometimes coherent conversation sometimes he just makes noises for the sake of it. He can be aggressive , he’s punched me to the ground before over some trivial thing, he regularly vandalises the house ,weekly I repaint walls . he’s only 6.5 and wears clothes aged 10-12. His hands and feet are bigger than mine , his legs are thicker than mine. He has closed down my world . I haven’t socialised in any way for 4 years , not a coffee not a chat , nothing. I can go weeks at a time without speaking to another adult. I can’t work anymore, I’m too depressed and dysfunctional. I don’t see family. I have literally zero friends I couldn’t name a single neighbour or school mum, I spent all of my money on care for him so that I can get a break and some sleep and now am destitute, I literally have nothing to live on in the days before payday to the extent I don’t even eat . I once had a good job, I once went on holidays and read books and had lots of friends. I had a partner and a happy relationship but we split because this boy made me so difficult to live with he told me I hadn’t smiled for two years ( which was true) when he left.
no body apart from me ever cares for him that isn’t so expensive that I have to go without something to afford it. I have 6 siblings and healthy parents local but no one would ever take him none of them have ever watched him since he was a small baby and then I think it was just the once .I stopped getting invited to anything because of him, His father once bought him to the hospital when I was coming round from surgery and wanted to leave him with me, there on the ward .
I’ve been having work done on the house and I’ve been sick and today, all I wanted was to sleep in, just to wake up naturally and maybe have a coffee , but there he was , 4 hours after going to sleep , next to my pillow , screaming into my eyelids he’s just peeled open that he was hungry. And I have just burst into tears and haven’t stopped crying since . I hate weekends , they really are hell. At least Monday he has school. I often drop him off and think I won’t collect him, I’ll just make something happen to myself so I don’t have to ever do it again.
and still we wait , we wait for a doctor , a psychologist anyone to diagnose him but the appointment never comes. I miss my gorgeous daughter who I never see now because she lost her mum when this boy arrived. She moved out . She just isn’t here anymore and I’d give anything to go back in time and have our old life back. Anything. I don’t need advice.because I won’t take it, I’m never going to be able to have a normal life again and the issues here are too complex for anyone to work out , I just needed to vent, I’ve not spoken to a grownup for probably 4 weeks now and all I think about is him being old enough to leave and go somewhere and me getting some sleep. But then, when he does I’ll have no idea what to do with myself. So life’s over either way.
Hi Liv,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - maternal mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Liv,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you so much for reaching out. I know you're said , 'I just needed to vent' but I could hear how tough things are and I want to respond so you know you are heard. Sending you a big hug this evening.
Liv, it sounds like you are finding things are a real challenge lately - would that be right? Has it always felt this tough or have you noticed it has seemed harder more recently? You also sound like you have a lot going on with your own health and caring for your little boy. I know you've mentioned that your family aren't keen to care for him, but would you be able to chat to them about how you are feeling? Could you reach out to your daughter and let her know you are missing her? Perhaps you could meet her when your little one is in school?
Would you consider linking in with your GP, Liv? Firstly for yourself, both physically to see if there is anything they could help with, but also because you sound a bit low - would that be fair to say? Your GP will be keen to support you and might know of local support services that could help you both. You've mentioned waiting on appointments for your son - could you go back to them to let them know how tough it has been lately or could the GP do this for you? It can be really hard if you feel he may need the extra supports but you are on a waitlist. I wonder also whether you might consider linking in with your local Children's Services? I know lots of people might be worried about doing this but they are there to support you and I notice you mention paying for care for your child. Your local Children's Services may be able to assess if you would be entitled to some help with this too to lift the pressure on you financially.
I'm going to share a link here for Family Lives. They have some really useful information on primary school age behaviour here https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/primary/behaviour/challenging-behaviour/ and also a parent helpline if you feel it could help to speak to someone over the phone or live chat.
Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please do come back to us if you want to chat some more
Catherine
You’re not alone, Liv.
Private message me ☮️💪❤️
You sound like you have reached the limit of what you can personally do, have you looked into residential care for him, no-one would blame you.
Oh Lord. This brings back memories. My son is not as severe, but i did spend years utterly exhausted to the point of losing my sanity. He's 18 now and still hard work. He did get diagnosed eventually. And yes, his dad also left us, he chose the easy life.
Once your son gets diagnosed, i wonder if you'll be entitled to some sort of a respite?
What is the school saying, have they made any guesses / suggestions as to what his potential diagnosis might be?
I have a disabled child with complex needs. I have been there, I still am there, having lost all my friends and have no respite at all as he can only manage 1 hour in school and even then I have to wait for him in the School Reception so he doesn't have a meltdown. Message me if you need to talk, I get it, I truly do x x