Unsupportive partner in pregnancy
10 answers /
Last post: 06/04/2023 at 7:22 am
I am 5 months pregant with my 2nd child and have a very unsupportive partner. I am working 5 sometimes 6 days a week from 8am till 3pm whilst taking my 7 Year old to school in the morning and picking her up, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I feel every day is a struggle and im constantly exhausted.
I am not enjoying this preganncy or excited one bit, Its not like the feeling i got with my 1st born. i have to self inject blood thinners twice a day due to previously having DVT and finding things really hard.
My partner does not work, sits on benefits and does a few handy jobs here and there which is not a regular income.
I am constantly paying for everything as soon as pay day comes, all bills, food shopping, clothing for my 7 year old as well as buying things for the new baby. I have just spent £400 this month while he contributes nothing. We argue all the time about money.
Every 2 weeks he receives a benefit payment and he spends it on his bills which consist of a phone bill,motorbike insurance and rental. If he ever has a handy job and contributes 30nto 40 quid Inever hear the end of it and should be eternally gratfeul.
He parties alot with his friends which lasts for 2 days at a time on a weekly basis, will soend money on alcohol but.moans about contributing for a meal out. He is angry all the time and im reduced to tears every day. I cant even mention anything about money. He throws giving me money in my face if hes ever given me 40 or 50 quid i dont hear the end of it.
I am struggling daily and feel all alone in this pregnancy with no family support myself. My mum passed away 7 years ago and have no support network.
I'm out the door every morning at 7.30with my 7year old to bring her to school while hes just rolling over in the bed, wakes up when i am on my lunch break at 12pm. I look at him in disgust. He will do a few dishes if i am at work and make the bed that's about it. I have laundry piled up where he doesnt help with this as he thinks its a womans job to do this. His mum has done everything for him and still does his washing at 33 years old.
I feel reallt depressed highly stressed and not enjoying being pregnant one bit. I find out the babys gender in 2 weeks and not excited one bit. I have already spent hakf my wages in one weekendas ive had to purchase loads of baby items.
I dont know what to do?
Hi Sam,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Sam,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.
Sam you said 'I dont know what to do' and 'I feel reallt depressed highly stressed and not enjoying being pregnant one bit' - it's hardly surprising you're feeling this way as your hormones will be all over the place and you're trying to deal with everything on your own. Anyone would feel the same in the circumstances you've described here.
Unfortunately, none of us can control how other people behave. The only control we have is how we choose to respond to that behaviour. Sometimes it helps to fast forward in your mind 1 or 2 years from now and think about how you would feel if nothing had changed and you have 2 children to deal with instead of 1 - would that be an acceptable place for you Sam?
I'm wondering if you've spoken to your midwife or GP about how things are and about the emotional impact it's having on you? It's really important that you don't go through this entire pregnancy feeling stressed and exhausted. Your midwife or GP would be able to talk to you about what support you can access.
There is also a wonderful charity called Women's Aid who support women every day who are living in abusive environments. Abuse might sound like a harsh word, but it can take many forms, including emotional abuse which is what you've described in your post.
Women's Aid were set up to help women in these circumstances, find out what options are open to them and they offer emotional as well as practical support.
They have a Live Chat service where you can speak with one of their advisers in confidence. You can access the details at: Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat
Hopefully, more of our lovely netmums' community will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you, but in the meantime, keep chatting here and we'll try to support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Hi Sam,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.
Sam you said 'I dont know what to do' and 'I feel reallt depressed highly stressed and not enjoying being pregnant one bit' - it's hardly surprising you're feeling this way as your hormones will be all over the place and you're trying to deal with everything on your own. Anyone would feel the same in the circumstances you've described here.
Unfortunately, none of us can control how other people behave. The only control we have is how we choose to respond to that behaviour. Sometimes it helps to fast forward in your mind 1 or 2 years from now and think about how you would feel if nothing had changed and you have 2 children to deal with instead of 1 - would that be an acceptable place for you Sam?
I'm wondering if you've spoken to your midwife or GP about how things are and about the emotional impact it's having on you? It's really important that you don't go through this entire pregnancy feeling stressed and exhausted. Your midwife or GP would be able to talk to you about what support you can access.
There is also a wonderful charity called Women's Aid who support women every day who are living in abusive environments. Abuse might sound like a harsh word, but it can take many forms, including emotional abuse which is what you've described in your post.
Women's Aid were set up to help women in these circumstances, find out what options are open to them and they offer emotional as well as practical support.
They have a Live Chat service where you can speak with one of their advisers in confidence. You can access the details at: Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat
Hopefully, more of our lovely netmums' community will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you, but in the meantime, keep chatting here and we'll try to support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Hello, so sorry to hear of your awful circumstances. If I were you I would leave. You do and pay for everything anyway, you get no financial, emotional or physical support from this person, so why stay?
It will be the same circumstances if you leave, except you won’t have to put up with his sh*t, you will have peace of mind that, yes it’s hard, but at least you won’t have to take the lack of respect and abuse you are now receiving.
Hello, so sorry to hear of your awful circumstances. If I were you I would leave. You do and pay for everything anyway, you get no financial, emotional or physical support from this person, so why stay?
It will be the same circumstances if you leave, except you won’t have to put up with his sh*t, you will have peace of mind that, yes it’s hard, but at least you won’t have to take the lack of respect and abuse you are now receiving.
I agree, one less person in the house means 33% more money for you and 33% less work and stress.
Please dump his sorry *****, no one who designates all the housework as 'womens work' and makes his partner do it all deserves to be a parent. And the bonus of being separated is that you can make him take a turn at looking after his own children while you get a break.
I’m sorry your going through this, you don’t deserve it.
Im not one of these people who suggests to leave the partner normally but I honestly think you should, kick him out change the locks if your struggling with money just think with him not being at your home every day you won’t have to heat it until your home even then you might be able to go a few days without turning it on or leaving the heat on low, minimal electricity will be used while your working those will reduced costs, you won’t have extra food to buy you won’t be paying for his weekends. your already doing it alone it might be hard at first but it will get easier or you might feel like a weight has been lifted and feel free.
you may even qualify for universal credit if you do, you may even be able to claim on childcare so it shouldn’t be as expensive if you need it after maternity leave.
as someone already said look to your future even 6 months after baby is born if nothing chances how do you feel about it.
if you do kick him out he can have the kids while you have a rest and some time for yourself.
do what is best for you and what is best for you will be better for your children.
It sounds to me like he brings absolutely nothing but upset to you. If I were you I would get rid of him, you are effectively “single parenting” your daughter already and it will likely be exactly the same when your new baby comes along. He gives you 40 quid and acts like you should be grateful? Who does he think he is? It’s his duty to be providing for you and his children!!! It might feel scary but you are basically on your own anyway, kick him out he’s a waste of space!
I think you know the answer here really...I see a lot of these posts and usually have sympathy for both sides but this is so cut and dry. He needs to move out, support himself and only speak to you again when he's prepared to contribute positively towards the family. You absolutely shouldn't be in this situation. You would likely be entitled to more money just by him not being there and thus would be infinitely better off. Think about 5 years from now and who and where you could be. He is literally dragging you down, leave now before you lose all self worth and start thinking you can't.
Send him back to his mum then change locks. You know if it was your daughter asking this question what you'd say to her.
Why are you with him?? It's clear that you're absolutely bossing it on your own and I bet you're doing an amazing job raising your little girl. You need to get rid of this loser and I bet a huge weight will be lifted for you - yes you'll have the responsibility of raising 2 children alone but it sounds like you're doing that anyway so it wouldn't make much of a difference!!