My daughter wants to live with her dad
10 answers /
Last post: 23/03/2023 at 4:00 pm
Hi all, my 12 year old daughter told me yesterday (mothers day) that she wants to go and live with her dad. Apparently they have arranged it all without talking to me. I'm heartbroken. I bought my daughter up on my own from the age of 6 months while he was out partying, stealing money from me to fund his coke habit. He is 40 years old, lives with his mother and is on benefits- Apparently you don't need to work, as he's told our daughter. I feel I have no choice but to let her go. Part of me hopes that it'll last a few weeks and she'll realise what she is missing. She asked me to ring her dad last night to discuss and he just sounded like he is the dogs *****. I was shaking with anger. I am literally crying writing this as it hurts so much.
Hi Becka,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - maternal mental health board, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Becka,
I am so sorry to read that you are going through such a painful situation with your daughter wanting to live with her dad.
Often, the grass seems so much greener, but in reality, will he be able to live up to the expectations that he has given her?
You sound like such a caring and loving mum and by keeping your arms open to her, she will know that you are her safe and secure place if things don't go to plan.
It must be so hard not to take it personally, but from what you have shared it does sound like this decision isn't one that she has come up with by herself. I'm sure in time, you will have the relationship with her that you hope for.
Do you have any support from friends or family Becka?
Katie x
Hi Becka,
I am so sorry to read that you are going through such a painful situation with your daughter wanting to live with her dad.
Often, the grass seems so much greener, but in reality, will he be able to live up to the expectations that he has given her?
You sound like such a caring and loving mum and by keeping your arms open to her, she will know that you are her safe and secure place if things don't go to plan.
It must be so hard not to take it personally, but from what you have shared it does sound like this decision isn't one that she has come up with by herself. I'm sure in time, you will have the relationship with her that you hope for.
Do you have any support from friends or family Becka?
Katie x
Hi Katie.
Thank you for your lovely reply. Since writing this, I have made the decision to stop it and I have told her dad that she won't be leaving my care until she has finished year 11. I haven't told her yet and I am terrified of the fall out that I am sure will come. It is yet another predicament he has put me in, in which I can never win- I will forever be the bad guy. I am just going to take it day by day- maybe sometimes hour by hour. This situation has floored me to be brutally honest. I didn't know some people could be so cruel. I have support from my partner and from my mum and sister who are always on the end of the phone if I need them.
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot- especially after yesterday.
Thank you and take care.
Becka xxx
Hi Katie.
Thank you for your lovely reply. Since writing this, I have made the decision to stop it and I have told her dad that she won't be leaving my care until she has finished year 11. I haven't told her yet and I am terrified of the fall out that I am sure will come. It is yet another predicament he has put me in, in which I can never win- I will forever be the bad guy. I am just going to take it day by day- maybe sometimes hour by hour. This situation has floored me to be brutally honest. I didn't know some people could be so cruel. I have support from my partner and from my mum and sister who are always on the end of the phone if I need them.
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot- especially after yesterday.
Thank you and take care.
Becka xxx
Apply for a prohibited steps order if you haven't already, under the grounds of emotional and financial abuse.
I would let her go. I guarantee she will come running back once she realises that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. He’s the fun parent because he isn’t present. He probably lets her do what she wants and doesn’t discipline her. He is probably encouraging it to piss you off. At 12 think they have all the answers. Leave her to it and let her see for herself. Don’t beat yourself up for it. You know that you have done the best you can.
Apply for a prohibited steps order if you haven't already, under the grounds of emotional and financial abuse.
I am not sure a court would agree with this.
Emotional abuse - No it is not nice for Becka, but the courts only care about whats best for the Child. So if Becka is upset and angry, that is not the courts concern. So don't know where this would factor.
Same for Financial abuse. What has this got to do with anything, there is no mention of anything financial related. She hasn't said she gets money from her ex, and if he is just on benefits, then surely he donesn't pay her child maintenance anyway.
If shes 12, she can make up her own mind, so I believe. But if it doesn't work, then I am sure the child would go straight back to her mum. And her mum (Becka) would have her arms open to welcome her back.
Hi Katie.
Thank you for your lovely reply. Since writing this, I have made the decision to stop it and I have told her dad that she won't be leaving my care until she has finished year 11. I haven't told her yet and I am terrified of the fall out that I am sure will come. It is yet another predicament he has put me in, in which I can never win- I will forever be the bad guy. I am just going to take it day by day- maybe sometimes hour by hour. This situation has floored me to be brutally honest. I didn't know some people could be so cruel. I have support from my partner and from my mum and sister who are always on the end of the phone if I need them.
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot- especially after yesterday.
Thank you and take care.
Becka xxx
I can see where you are coming from. You worry that if you let her go, you will lose her. But personally, I think by trying to block it, you will cause resentment in your daughter and WILL lose her (for the time being anyway).
I think if you let her go, let her know that you love her, and your door is always open to her. Keep dialogue open with her, and if things don't work out you will have her back in a heart beat! Be supportive and say, I will against by best judgement let you go, but I want to speak to you on the phone even if for 5mins every evening just to make sure you are ok.
I think she will realise fast that its not for her, and be back at yours.
But sit her down, just you and her, not your partner, etc. Talk to her, no arguments, open up to her, tell her your concerns, but let her make the mistake herself and let her know you will support her (even if it hurts) no matter what. And when shes ready to come back the door is always open.
Good luck with it. x
Don’t worry, Its her age! I would give it 2 weeks top and she will be back home to you Xx
I am not sure a court would agree with this.
Emotional abuse - No it is not nice for Becka, but the courts only care about whats best for the Child. So if Becka is upset and angry, that is not the courts concern. So don't know where this would factor.
Same for Financial abuse. What has this got to do with anything, there is no mention of anything financial related. She hasn't said she gets money from her ex, and if he is just on benefits, then surely he donesn't pay her child maintenance anyway.
If shes 12, she can make up her own mind, so I believe. But if it doesn't work, then I am sure the child would go straight back to her mum. And her mum (Becka) would have her arms open to welcome her back.
Emotional abuse includes bad mouthing the other parent to the child, which if you read Becka's OP he appears to be doing.
As for financial abuse, again, I suggest you refer back to the OP, as she clearly states that he has stolen money from her in the past to fund his drug habit. So if nothing else, a prohibited steps order would most likely be granted on the basis of that. I'm pretty sure no court in the land would see an habitual drug user as a suitable custodial parent.