Scared and Stressed

Hello,

Just over a month ago I discovered (to my surprise) that I’m pregnant. By the time I found out I was already 8 weeks. I don’t have a regular cycle and have been on the pill for nearly 2 decades so when I started to gain weight I attributed it to a new medication I started (main side effect is weight gain). I also have clinical depression and a relationship that is rife with conflict. I have a history of abusive relationships and have never been pregnant. I saw a gynaecologist last year to determine if I have PCOS - she did not test my hormones as she thought it would be moot while on the pill. Alas, I ended up with a successful healthy pregnancy at the age of 32, despite being on the pill, despite scars on my cervix from LEEP procedure and despite thinking I was infertile. When I found out, I felt as though there was a reason why I didn’t find out until 8 weeks - as though this baby wanted to go unnoticed so that I wouldn’t be tempted to terminate.

Luckily, my current partner of 10 months is not abusive. However, it has been very challenging to have a surprise pregnancy with a man who I was already unsure about. The conflicts we are having are mostly to do with differing temperaments: he is very particular about cleanliness, exercise and general life-rules and is highly critical of others around him. He has a bit of a temper and gets worked up easily. Sadly I have been criticized for a number of infractions such as leaving dishes in the sink, not being energetic enough or not showering after my work in a hospital (I am a psych nurse). Basically, he criticizes me for “not striving to be the best version of myself” and therefore, he struggles to find common ground. This has been very difficult due to my depression and pregnancy hormones. Prior to getting pregnant I had repeatedly tried to end the relationship, due to incompatible personality types/general temperament types. I could sense I was not meeting his standards and yet every time I tried to end things, he broke down and told me he would try harder to not be so critical of me. Every time I would cave and decide to stay. I believe that he truly does love me and wants to make things work, but my history of abusive relationships and being called “crazy” or “lazy” or “too argumentative” on repeat has sensitized me to these themes in my current relationship. My current partner believes that I am too challenging of him and his opinions - we simply do not see eye-to-eye much of the time. I also do not shy away from debate. Because of these frequent conflicts, I have started to wonder if I made a mistake in deciding to keep the baby.

My problem is this: I still feel that I want to end things with my partner more than I want to make things work, because I feel more at peace on my own.

However he insists on being a part of baby’s life and says he will do everything he can to make this relationship work so that he can sleep next to me and baby every night. He is extremely emotional and excited to be a father. He starts sobbing when he imagines a life without me and the baby, even when I console him and reassure him that we would likely fight less in a co-parenting scenario. I can’t seem to find any resources on what to do if my partner WANTS more than anything to be involved in baby’s life, and to make things work, when I’m finding it difficult to cope with being in a relationship with him. I love him and care about him and I’m glad he’s excited and on-board with being a dad, but I’m so overwhelmed at the idea of living with him and staying in this relationship. My

counsellor has encouraged me to set boundaries but it is difficult, as his needs are incompatible with mine. For example, after a fight, he needs closeness and I need space. Typically I cave and grant him closeness while compromising my own need to have time and space apart from him.

My mother has reminded me: “there are worse things than a man who is crazy about you and wants to be with you and love you and the baby”. But I can’t help but feel torn and panicked that I should have had an abortion to simplify things in my life and find a partner who I can get along with. I will also add that he has an amazing and stable job but is completely addicted to smoking weed - often saying he will cut back when baby is born. Also, I am religious and he is not (he says he is spiritual) - though he says he is on board with me taking the child to church.

I read through some of the posts on this forum and instantly felt so much relief and validation.

Any support and guidance is appreciated ❤️ I feel so lost and so scared and sad. Thank you and bless all of you!