Relationship problems

Wait till your partner isn't around, and get in touch with Women's Aid. They'll be able to give you good advice about how to deal with this situation.

Try not to bring the subject up with this man again. When you leave, do it secretly and quickly.

If you have a safeguarding lead at your place of work, let them know what your situation is. If you don't have one, consider telling your manager or someone else in authority who you trust.

As soon as you can get some proper legal advice about child arrangements, property, and so on.

Hi Ann,

We've moved your thread to our unhealthy relationships board, as we think it's a more appropriate place for this topic and you’re more likely to get responses here.

Hi Ann H,

I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for reaching out to us on here, sending you gentle hugs this morning. I can hear how upsetting this is for you and overwhelming as you have just made this decision and are now faced with the unknown and threats from your partner.

It must have been a long and difficult road to come to this decision so it sounds like you have made the right one for you and your family but you are concerned for what this may mean for you and your children if you move out, is that right Ann?

Your partner sounds like he is acting hurtfully right now in an attempt to keep you at home but he has no grounds to be able to get your fired or put your children into care. I would suggest seeking out legal advice about what your options are regarding contact. You sound like a loving and caring Mum and the courts will want to keep your children under the care of both of you separately as long as there are no domestic violence or safety concerns. You mentioned your ex's verbal threats, has he ever acted out in a way you would consider as unsafe to you or your children Ann?

I am going to link with an article we have published on our site regarding emotional, financial and practical support for you whilst you navigate this step Ann, 7 things to know about separating from your partner - Netmums

I know some of our other lovely Mums will be able to relate to your concerns Ann and hopefully they will be along shortly to offer their own experiences also.

Do let us know how you are getting on and if we can help further.

Take care,

Emma

You can't just "put children into care" nowadays it doesn't work like that anymore. Social services are overstretched as it is and if he was to try anything like that they'd contact you first to see if the children could live with you. In which case you would be given special leave from work until you could arrange childcare. However, as somebody else advised, I wouldn't do anything just yet before contacting women's aid, and I certainly wouldn't leave the children with him if he's making threats like this. You do need to leave but make sure you get advice first.

he is wrong to threatened you. But also you can’t tell him when you will have kids, it needs to be worked on together.

Just because it suits you, it needs to be on best interests in children. Perhaps 50/50, yes you might need to change your work pattern. Personally I wouldn’t leave my children with someone who is threatening to put them in care, actually I wouldn’t leave my kids. I would move them out with you then come up with a plan for shared custody that suits the kids and both of you.

good luck

He is not acting abusively . He is acting out as he is rightfully hurt . As your basically saying leaving him and abandoning your children as you work and can’t have them other than at weekends. How can he abusive if your willing to leave the kids with him ?

Have you met someone else and thats why you want to leave ?

Most mothers would work their jobs around their children not say I can’t have them because of it .

When you break up and children are involved it has to be a happy medium for you both. Can you not swap to day shifts and have 50 50 care? How old are your children too because they could act out with this kind of set up and that is not their fault. Kids have to come at the forefront and both of you will most likely have to sacrifice something to accomadate their wellbeing

You are saying your husband is abusive yet. Choose to leave your children with him …. Your children’s need should always come before work surely ….

I can understand your having problems and need to leave, but you have told your partner that he has to have the children during the week as you work and can only have them at weekends. I'm sorry but no wonder your partner is angry. You are saying you don't want your children because of your job and have to work night shifts. Can't you speak to your job about changing your shifts because of your situation. Or sorry to say but you may have to give the job up altogether to look after your children. I hate to say this but you sound quite selfish and you may not like what I say but your children come first before a job

Let's put it this way. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you want to leave then leave but you are their mother and you are telling them that yourself and job are more important than them. That's gonna mess up their head. Why can't you take them with you when you leave and speak to work about your hours or get another job? If he isn't abusive (it says no where in your post) and you just want to leave, then womens aid can't help you as others have suggested as that would be a waste of their precious resources. Him saying that isn't abusive. It's him being hurt. And he won't be able to put them in care just like that. They'd contact you to see if you can take them first and any other family that might be able to help. If he is abusive, why would you want to leave them with him?

On a side note, are you sure it's worth leaving your children? You need to think about the financial aspect of leaving them aswell, although money shouldnt come into the factor of whether you keep your children or not. He'd be able to claim CS straight from your wages and I'm assuming you get quite abit for night shift considering you are wanting to leave your children to continue it. Not to mention you will lose any benefits that you claim for your children as they will go to the dad or anyone else who takes them.

Try to ask your manager if you can swap to day shift instead of night shift. If not a change of job sounds like the only solution. If I was you I wouldn't leave your kids with someone who's threatening take your kids off into care anyway.

If it was as simple as everyone thinks to take my children with me I would he wont allow it even though I can support them better emotionally and financially I probably could have worded my question better I have been with this person for 14 years and since day one of having our first child he abused me I wasn't allowed friends and even my family were pushed out to the point only my sister will talk to me occasionally I have I support network hense why I stayed for 14 years I came on here for some support and to help me with some ideas as to what to do not be made to feel like hes the victim not me and my children I would never leave my kids my mum put up with my dad and his alcohol abuse until we were grown and left home and I feel like that is my only option right now to stick out this controlling behaviour until my children are old enough to understand or move out which will be atleast another 12 years

Hi Ann,

I'm Loraine, another of the Netmums' Parent Supporters and I work alongside Emma.

I can hear that you feel you have no other option but to stay in this relationship, but honestly Ann, you really do have choices.

No one is suggesting that it's easy to leave a 14 year relationship, especially when there are children involved, it's not, but sadly, there is evidence to show that children who are brought up in this kind of environment, can go on to be detrimentally affected right through to adulthood, so you're right to reach out for support and advice.

You said: 'my mum put up with my dad and his alcohol abuse until we were grown and left home' - can I ask how that made you feel both as a child and now as an adult Ann?

Kirk mentioned Women's Aid, who are the experts in supporting women who are living in similar circumstances. Don't worry, they won't ask you to do anything you're not comfortable with and you can confide in them in complete confidence, but they will talk through all the options you have, so that you can make an informed decision about what to do next - does that sound like something that might be helpful right now?

You can access their Live Chat service at: Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

Only you can make the decision to end this relationship Ann, but Women's Aid will help you both emotionally and practically and will also make you aware of your legal rights.

We're here to listen if you want to keep chatting, so come back and let us know how things are and we'll support you in any way we can.

Loraine x