Where do you draw the line? The ex wife keeps asking

Hmm I can kind of see both sides. To be stark, this kid is nothing to either of you. However, he is the half brother of your husband's other children and is just a kid, he had no say in the fact his mother likes to put it about and pop out kids like shelling peas. I think it would be the kind thing to do to include him to be honest, even though you don't have an obligation to do so. I think his mother is really rude to keep springing things on you last minute though. It's manipulative and sly. I think she probably feeds off the drama and conflict. I would sidestep her bs by just planning to include the boy in any whole family events, whether she is aware beforehand or not is up to you you don't owe her an explanation. But he is just a kid and in my opinion I wouldn't feel good excluding him from events all his other siblings are a part of.

I totally feel for you here. Whilst arranging what sound like amazing events for your family, blended and biological you are being put in a really difficult position. The child is not biologically related to either you or part of your blended family , and if you had offered to include the child then that would be up to you,but to be forced into it I feel is way out of line.

It is not your job or responsibility to entertain/include her child , you are not a free babysitting service either....even more so when there's threat of assault from the child's dad.

^ this answer, couldn't agree more.

Yes this child technically doesn't have anything to do with either of you but if the only issue is that she is asking last minute then call her bluff and include them in your numbers going forward.

It sounds like you have way more fun in your family than this child would have otherwise so I don't blame them for wanting to come and be a part of it.

This sounds very entitled o.p of the other mother to just assume you will include this child last minute and make it work. The parents don't like you but expect you to to cover the extra cost and such because they are related to your sons child? If they genuinely wanted inclusion they could ask you in advance well in advance and not allow their child to create something ie the gingerbread house evidently in the belief they were part of it but not bothering to inform you of this. You have no obligation to include her other children and by the sound of it you have been friendly enough to this child when at events but you shouldn't be expected to include them just because the mum wants it. By the same logic I could send my 5 to you because it sounds like fun and I've replied to a thread so obviously you have to reciprocate by opening your home . If she wants her other child included she needs to be a grown up and discuss it with you and ask you not send a message to you husbands other child. This feels really sneaky to me personally.

This sounds so humiliating for the kid. And the other kids standing by.

Just include them from the start of your planning in future and let it be.

I have organised an event in the summer but it’s in an open public space so if one of their adult siblings want to bring the child along, then that would be fine. That event could allow a last moment change because they can be involved as little or as much as they want.

The child does have LOTS of local cousin's too though.

Whilst the ex wife sounds irritating AF, the child is your partners kids bio half brother. You said he has lots of local cousins but what are they like? Are they like his drunk abusive dad!?

Regardless, these events you pull together sound AMAZING! Really thoughtful and loads of fun with everyone together, except him. He’s just a child… by your own admission he’s lovely too so why not just include him in the numbers?

He gets healthy exposure to kind and loving family members and to feel wanted and included which is wonderful. Why would you stop that?

Just include him as part of the family, for his sake and his siblings, and then the ex can’t ask last minute anyway because he’s already invited. Just be kind, in this scenario it’s really not that difficult xx

Hmm, such an awkward position to be put in.

I have to say a big part of me would feel the same, that the ex has no right to bring this child along who has nothing to do with you and put on you like this.

On the other hand they are just a child and must be tough for them to see their siblings and the rest of their family doing all these fun things and be the one to be left out of it. That child will feel the embarrassment/that they are imposing and that's sad as its not their fault.

If you know they do this and you don't have much control over it, maybe you could refrained it for yourself- Perhaps you could just plan for them to be there and get that 1 extra egg or house or whatever the next thing is- then it won't be such an issue when they turn up and while it's annoying, it will feel nicer to have done a nice thing for a child out of choice than to feel the negative feelings that they have taken the p*ss! X

Just to add not uploading the child’s photo for the gingerbread house competition was pretty nasty… you said yourself it was great, so he clearly put a lot of effort into it and it would have cost you what? 15 seconds of your time to upload it snd include him. He clearly wanted to be included or he wouldn’t have designed one, so to do what you did is petty AF and really hurtful to that poor child.

It shouldn’t matter whose child it is, yours, his, a neighbours. He’s just A CHILD seeking inclusion and love. Given the size of these events and the amount of people and kids invited I think you’re behaviour isn’t pretty shocking tbh.

Please can you read that back to yourself

If not before, after the first request to be involved I’d have invited him to be involved with everything going forward regardless. He’s showing he wants to be part of the family his half-siblings are in, and who wouldn’t it sounds great! It must feel like such rejection if he’s left out, and he might wonder what he’s done wrong. His origin is not his fault, you can either make a child’s life better or not. Sounds like it needs to be with the caveat that one of the older siblings brings him so mum and dad don’t have to go but that’s fine, surely.

I don’t believe in punishing a child for something and adult has done so for for me I’d be more uncomfortable leaving him out than I would just sucking it up and including him even if it’s a bit inconvenient and his dads a d***.

I’m starting to think I am a D**k but then equally here’s some additional info and food for thought.

1. The child wouldn’t be any the wiser about the events unless his parents mentioned it to him because his siblings are not spiteful like that.
2. The child has additional needs, his older siblings know this and don’t take him out to other things they do because he can be a handful.

He is sweet and I have played games at cross family events but he did start hitting me like ‘play hitting’ until one of his other family members stepped in.

I mean if his adult siblings have their own babies to look after, I’m running around cooking, organising, cleaning (as I’m the host) - who’s in charge of the child? The child who’s needs I don’t understand and also who’s parents dislike me. What if something happened to him?

We were at a private place for Easter and tbh unless watched or responsible isn’t a place I’d leave a child unattended.

The adult siblings went round their mums after our event too, so they saw their brother.

Also the adult brother and his children did not attend.

3 The gingerbread house was our Christmas present giving - one person gets the cash rather than spend on every adult.

It’s a way the adult couples can work together and spend time as a family. We had rules, certain kits and yes maybe it was petty but why should he be entered into the competition meant for our family only. It was nice his dad spent time and made the gingerbread house with him.

The challenge rules were about fairness and in a roundabout way it’s is not fair allowing someone to enter who has not done the design themselves and had a different kit from all the other under 18’s.

4 It’s Easter, his parents co-parent, are together (or at least they are on and off), why aren’t they spending that time with him doing something, there’s events all over? 1 to 1 time is precious - I wish I got more of it with mine. Or gone somewhere with his big family on his mothers side?

5 - Our next family event is in a public space so if his adult siblings would like to bring him that’s ok but they’d have to be responsible for him or even his own parents. It’s 35 miles from where we live and our car is not big enough to fit anyone else in. - again I don’t think that’s unfair considering the responsibilities I already have for the day.

6- this is only the 2nd time in 10-11years this has started happening (although both events within 5 months of each other).

7- If he starts getting included (I’m thinking out loud), our money is already limited that’s why we try to do activities and only buy for under 18’s - is that another cost we have to include until he’s also 18?

I’m autistic and have ADHD , whilst I’m not using this as an excuse- I feel I might be missing something. I just want to make some nice memories but the line has to be drawn somewhere, without feeling I’m being used or guilted into it.

My husband is adamant that actually it’s ok to draw the line on this one and he is a very reasonable man.

You’re not a dick. But it’s naive to assume the child would be none the wiser because even without their mother saying something, people talk, anyone of the other family members could bring up the great day they had or the thing they’re doing in preparation.

I’m sure it’s confusing for the kid whose siblings call this man, ‘Dad’. Is there any danger he is the child’s father also?

Even if the ex wife is playing things to her advantage and is possibly threatened by your ability to provide such elaborate memories in the home, it’s always better to rise above it and be inclusive for the kid’s sake in case she fears division among her siblings knowing she doesn’t have the tools to give all her kids these experiences on her own time. I wouldn’t see it as doing for her but rather doing for all the children.

It’s great that you have these ideas but in my opinion, take it or leave it, shouldn’t you AND your husband be the hostS? You sound under unnecessary pressure.

It’s totally reasonable to consider all aspects like the cost and practicalities etc but I wonder, can you in preparation for the next and the next… say to the older siblings, ‘can you coordinate with your mum and work out who’s bringing (insert child’s name)?’

That way you’re presenting the event as inclusive of all (and well

prepared, no sudden surprises) and saving the child from humiliation and delegating responsibility.

I too come from a blended family and although it’s unlikely this would happen, if my kid brother wanted to come, as the older siblings we would assume responsibility rather than some woman (being our step mother but nothing to our kid brother). More to the point though, we’d discuss it with our Dad.

I would fear that if it’s not made entirely clear to the mother that never will her child be welcome and stop asking then history may repeat itself. Alternatively, just include them at all traditions, no caveats or conditions, but with the siblings sharing responsibility. If the former is preferred, I’d imagine ex wife needs all parties, **minus you**, to express their wishes for the child not to be present, she is HIS ex wife and THEIR mother.

Everyone needs boundaries but no child should be humiliated because adults can’t communicate. It’s not good to say yes to something if the kid is going to pick up on being unwelcome, even if it is last minute. Better to just say no. That’s what upset me reading your original post.

I reiterate though, I think it’s up to the others to be proactive one way or the other, not you. Nothing wrong with calling a family meeting and getting it all out and then having a discussion planned with the ex wife.

I think the biggest issue is the boundary. It either is or it isn’t. When we flounder things get messy and kids get hurt.

As for the child’s conduct, put yourself in their shoes, how confused and isolated do you think they could feel in their own family? Sounds like they’re this ‘issue’ no one wants to address. Of course they’re going to struggle socially. Takes a village, just saying.

I really hope it gets resolved and moving forward, your family boundaries, whatever they look like, remain firm and that your traditions continue.

My husband is not the child’s dad.

My husband actually never wanted children, we have none of our own but happily accepts the other 7.

After his only daughter he had the snip, she’s now 16 and they were separated for 5 years before he met me and not many years after she was born to the point living well apart and only seeing the kids. The mother does snap at the fact the older ones call him Dad.

My husband has really bad sight issues which would of been passed down to a male - there’s no avoiding it (another reason he didn’t want children, his daughter will carry the gene too and pass it to any males she has or the gene to her daughters). The sight will be the same or if not worse for any future boys.

I think perhaps going forward - I need to be clear from the get go. Yes this event is suitable to include the child -

Or No this is for invited persons only because of what ever limitations there might be- cost, space, ect