LIFE

The single parent's guide to dating

Last modified on Tuesday 19 January 2021

Dating is always a minefield - but even more so when you have kids. Every Tinder-swipe and blind date is not just a potential life partner, but also a potential parent figure to your children.

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Once upon a time, you had all day to get ready for a night out; now, you’re more likely to be picking encrusted fish finger off your skinnies en route to your date.

And that's assuming you manage to make it out the door at all!

So what’s it like to get back into the relationships saddle after a break-up – and can you really find love as a single parent?

Our guide to getting back out there reveals all ...

How to meet someone

Before you had children, there were endless opportunities to meet guys: at work, at the gym, in the bar on a night out. But now your social life revolves around the park and soft play, you’re less likely to spontaneously cross paths with eligible men.

So when you spot the sexy dad lurking in the corner at a toddler group, your heart skips a beat… This could be the one!

It’s only when you sidle up to him in the coffee queue that you spot the wedding ring on his finger.

Okay, plan B …

The online dating game

Dating websites and apps are a lifesaver when it comes to pulling as a single mum. What’s not to love about indulging in a bit of online flirtation while your toddler naps – especially since you heard Leonardo DiCaprio was on Tinder …

Cue hours spent practising your selfie pout in the bathroom mirror; no one need know you’re still in your porridge-splattered PJs from the neck down.

To date or not to date?

Dating as a single mum is a constant dilemma. On the one hand, you’re so pathetically grateful for any romantic interest that you want to snap up every date that’s offered – but on the other, your free time is so limited that you don’t want to waste a rare night of babysitting on a no-hoper.

Should you go out with that sexy but vapid topless guy just for the fun of it, even though you’re 99 per cent certain that he’ll bore you to death within minutes (despite being very easy on the eye)?

The key is to ask questions – LOADS of questions – before agreeing to a date. No common ground? Don’t waste your time. Even if he is pretty.

The big reveal

So, you’ve swiped right and there are definite sparks flying around cyberspace, but when do you 'fess up to having kids?

It all depends on what you’re looking for in a relationship. If it’s just a casual hook-up (naughty but so nice!) you might decide to pretend to be blissfully child-free. But if you’re looking for 'The One', honesty is the best policy from the word go.

Mentioning your children in your dating site profile at least means everything is out in the open from the start: no awkward conversations later, or wasted dates with guys who model themselves on the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

But you don’t have to opt for full disclosure, as long as you’re prepared to tackle the subject later down the line if things get serious.

The struggles of dating with kids

The logistics of going on a date when you have children can be a nightmare. Spontaneous drinks this evening with the guy you were chatting with while your toddler watched Octonauts? Not a bloody chance.

No, as a single mum every date requires military planning.

You need to find a babysitter, shave legs that haven’t seen a razor in three months, book a taxi home by 10pm because you know you’ll be getting up at five o'clock in the morning – and then your child wakes up on the day with a vomiting bug. FFS!

The first date

Finally, you find a window in your diary and it’s date night – eek! In the distant past, you had all the time in the world to primp and preen ready for your date, but not any more.

Now, getting ready for a date means running around the house with no top on (it’ll only get covered in baby snot if you put it on too early), trying to keep your toddler away from your hair straighteners and squeezing your wobbly belly into Spanx. Then the kids pick up on the fact that you’re going out and create merry hell at bedtime – argh!

By the time you get to the bar, you’re so flustered you can barely remember your own name, let alone your date’s, and down your first two glasses of pinot so quickly that you’re half-cut within half an hour – and falling asleep by 10pm. Classy.

Taking it further

Even if you’re head over heels (in love – not inebriated) after your first date, relationships progress slowly when you can only manage a night out once a month, if you’re lucky.

Expect your relationship to blossom not over drunken nights out and wild sex, but whispered phone calls after your kids are in bed and the occasional takeaway in front of the TV.

Aww, you're like old marrieds already!

Sex; single mum style

Let’s face it, sex with a new partner can be pretty nerve-racking even if you’re waxed from top-to-toe and with lovely toned pre-baby abs – and once you’ve had kids, it’s downright terrifying.

What’s he going to think of your stretchmarks and saggy boobs? Is he going to discover that your flat stomach was achieved with the help of industrial-strength underwear? And what happens if your two-year-old wanders in for a midnight snuggle halfway through?

One thing that is for certain?

The lights are staying OFF.

Do you have any tips for dating as a single mum? Have you given online dating apps a go? Let us know in the chat thread, below.

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